Haunted script
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Listen

Garrison Keillor: Our theater is haunted. You may know that. (DOOR CREAKING). They were showing a Dracula movie in here one night (TR DRACULA ON MOVIE, FILM IN SPROCKETS) and the next morning the cleaning lady came in and the reel of film was going around (FLAPPING OF FILM) and the projectionist was gone, only his dog was in the booth (HOWL) and the audience was gone, but all their cars were still parked outside. And there was a cat (MEOW) somewhere in the theater and nobody could find it, they could only hear it in the walls somewhere. (MEOW). Anyway, the theater was renovated then and made into apartments and a family lived in an apartment up there in the second balcony for years. It was a nice apartment. I don't know what happened to them. (SOMBER PIANO) Well, actually I do. They had a little accident. (SCREAMS). And the building sat vacant for years (CRICKETS). Until one day...there was a thunderstorm (THUNDER / LIGHTNING) and a family was coming through St. Paul and their car broke down (CAR ENGINE FAILING) as they always do in a thunderstorm. And they needed a place to stay and there was the house (

TR: Hello???? Anybody home??? SS GIRL: I don't like the looks of this, Daddy.

TR: It's okay. It's empty.) So they came in as people always do when there's a deserted building. And they've been here ever since. Eighty years. And they don't look a year older.

Tim Russell: Why, thank you.

GK: And they were the ones who made it back into a theater.

TR: You like it? It's good?

GK: It's lovely. And every year as a benefit for public radio, we turn it into a haunted house and people pay money to come through it and be scared. (ORGAN, D MINOR TOCCATA INTRO.....) There he is, up in the fly gallery. The old hunchback.

Sue Scott: Yes, once a year we get to dress up in these scary costumes and jump out and say Boo. (CATS MEOWING) Us and our cats. Come here, Mittens, Come, Snowball.

GK: What are you feeding those cats?

SS: That's a secret. (CATS SCARFING FOOD)

GK: They seem to enjoy it.

TR: Yes, of course.

GK: That wasn't a fingernail I saw, was it?

SS: What was what?

TR: Come, let us show you the grotto. (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

GK: What's down there?

TR: Go have a look.

GK: It's all dark.

TR: The light switch is on the wall. (DOOR SLAM)

GK: (REVERB) Oh my gosh. It's pitch black. (SLOW STEPS ON CREAKING STAIRS) These stairs feel like they might give way. Where's the light switch? Here? (BAT WINGS) Something flew past. (CLICKING OF SWITCH) The light switch doesn't work. There seems to be a light way down there though. (FOOTSTEPS ON CREAKING STAIRS) If I can just make my way down here— no railing or anything — I feel like it's a five-hundred foot drop to the bottom (FOOTSTEPS QUICKER) almost there— Whewwww. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) The light seems to be coming from around the corner. Maybe there's a phone or something. I don't think my cellphone is going to work down this far in the ground.

Tom Keith (LARRY) (REVERB): No, it won't.

GK: Larry? Is that you?

TK (LARRY): You remember me. We used to be best friends. Before you became a big shot and you made that movie.

GK: Are you okay, Larry?

TK (LARRY): I didn't like the movie at all. Except for the Angel of Death. I liked her a lot.

GK: What's that in your hand, Larry?

TK (LARRY): Oh— you mean, this? (THIN BOINGGG OF KNIFE POINT)

GK: It's a fork for grilling a marshmallow, isn't it— did you wander away from your church youth group?

TK (LARRY): Me? No—

GK: I'm going to head back upstairs now, Larry. I'm in the middle of a show.

TK (LARRY): You think I'm weird, don't you.

GK: No, not at all.

TK (LARRY): You're not so different from me. You know that?

GK: I'm a very happy guy inside, Larry.

TK (LARRY): I think that someday you and I are going to be roommates again. Someplace where you do crafts and group therapy all day and they lock the doors at night

GK: I don't think so, Larry.

TK (LARRY): I think you and I are going to be in a program together.

GK: No, Larry. Really—

TK (LARRY): We're going to sit in a circle and talk about our bad thoughts and I know what your bad thoughts are. Want me to tell you?

GK: "Look for the silver lining, whene'er a cloud appears in the blue (FOOTSTEPS) Remember somewhere the sun is shining (FOOTSTEPS FASTER) And so the best thing to do is let it shine on you. (RUNNING)

A heart filled with joy and gladness
Can always banish sadness and strife,
So always look for the silver lining
And try to find the sunny side of life. (DOOR OPEN, SLAM SHUT) (GK BREATHING)


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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