Wanda script
Saturday, October 28, 2006
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(THEME)

Tim Russell: And now Scotty's Cough Syrup for Dogs — (DOG WOOF, COUGH) — brings you the Adventures of Wanda, Teen-Age Christian, and her helper dog Buddy. (MUSIC)

TR (MOM, OFF): Wanda!! We're eating supper in half an hour so if you could fix the centerpiece for the table—

Sue Scott: Okay, mom! Be right down!!!

Garrison Keillor: Oh, hi, Wanda, how are you?

SS: I'm fine, Dad.

GK: I just got home a few minutes ago. Looking for Sonny. Is he in here?

SS: Sonny went away to college, Dad.

GK: Oh. I see. Well, how old are you? I keep forgetting—

SS: I'm sixteen, Dad.

GK: Oh right. I've been gone so much— on the road and so forth — so you're still in school, right?

SS: Yes, Dad. I'm a junior at Holy Angels.

GK: Oh. Sure. I was wondering why I was making out those checks— And who is this? (DOG PANTING, COLLAR JINGLING, LEG THUMPING)

SS: This is Buddy, Dad. My helper dog. I've had him since I was ten.

GK: Oh. Of course. I guess I must have heard about that. And what does he help you with, Wanda?

SS: Did you notice the wheelchair, Dad?

GK: Oh. Those are wheels—

SS: Yes, dad. I'm in a wheelchair—remember — you were backing out of the driveway?

GK: Oh really....

SS: You were on your cellphone and got distracted and you ran right over me and crushed my legs.

GK: Oh yes. Now I remember. — well, I'm off on another trip — I'll be back in a month or two — bye, honey.

SS: Bye, dad. (DOOR CLOSE) Grownups. They're such a disappointment most of the time. Glad I have you, Buddy. (DOG PANTING) Go get my cellphone, Buddy. (WOOFS) — I have to call Ashton. He's going through emotional distress on account of his tumor. (WOOF) It's pressing on his neck and making him really really weird (WOOF WOOF) Good dog. Put it on speaker phone. (DIAL TONE) And dial Ashton. (KEYPAD TONES) (RING)

TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): Yeah?

SS: Ashton, it's Wanda.

TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): I can't stand it anymore. I gotta get out of here.

SS: Is the tumor worse?

TK (TEEN ON PHONE): The tumor is acting up, and Lisa broke up with me. And my dad. He's acting like a Nazi or something!

SS: I'll be right over. (CLICK) Open the window, Buddy. It's time to fly. (WOOF) (MUSIC UNDER)

TR (ANNC): Moving her wheelchair close to the window, Wanda reached under the seat and turned on the power boosters and the afterburners. (FLAMES) She turned on the flashing neon lights (BLIPS). She and Buddy put on their crash helmet and goggles, and she put her hand on the throttle.

SS: All set, Buddy? (WOOF) Here we go. (POWERFUL ROCKET THRUST, ZOOMING UP AND AWAY. MUSIC)

TR (ANNC): The flying wheelchair made the quarter-mile trip to Ashton's house in 3.5 seconds and landed on Ashton's patio where her father was about to tie her to a tree. (ROCKET LANDING)

SS: Okay, Mr. Fuehrer— back up and keep your hands where I can see them.

TR: (ANGRY GERMAN)

SS: I've got this paintball gun aimed at your belt buckle, Mr. Fuehrer. One false move and you're going to have a maroon bellybutton.

TK (TEEN): You saved my life, Wanda.

SS: You can't treat your kids this way, mister. Yelling at em and waving that whip and everything.

TR (ANGRY GERMAN)

SS: I think it's time we sent you off to Parent Prison. Take him, Buddy. (DOG SNARLS, ATTACKS. GERMAN WHIMPERING)

TK (TEEN): You're my best friend, Wanda. Especially now that Lisa dumped me on account of my tumor. She is so mean! (SOBS)

SS: I think it's time we got you out of here, Ashton. I have friends in Hawaii. They have a big house on the beach with plenty of extra room and there's a pizza place ten minutes away. Let's go there and chill.

TK (TEEN): But I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. He's going to look at my neck tumor.

SS: It's not a neck tumor, Ashton. I checked the x-rays. The x-ray technicians didn't notice your earring.

TK (TEEN): My earring. You're right. Oh gosh, Wanda. You're such a whiz.

SS: Hop on, Ashton. Hawaii, here we come. (ROCKET BLAST TAKE OFF) (HAWAIIAN PIANO)

TR: One week later, in a little grass shack within sight of the beach— (SURF, GULLS)

TK (TEEN): Boy, I gotta say. For a girl from Minnesota, you sure know how to handle a surfboard. And to do it on a wheelchair— gosh, Wanda— you're the greatest.

SS: I'm just thinking — I might stay here on Maui. Why not? I love the fresh fruit. The sunny weather. It's paradise. And Buddy loves it too. (DOG WHINE) What's wrong, Buddy? Huh? What are you trying to say? (WOOF) He's writing something in the sand with his paw. —H—E—L— Help? — What does that mean?

TK (TEEN): I think Buddy is trying to say that, as wonderful as Maui may be, there are people back in Minnesota who need your help, Wanda. People in trouble. People who don't know who to turn to. Like me. I had given up hope. And then I saw that rocket wheelchair come flying in with the flashing neon lights— .

SS: Guess you're right. I forgot. We can't just live for ourselves, can we. Come on, Buddy. Let's go surfing one more time and then— head home. (WOOF, SURF, GULLS, THEME)

TR: The Adventures of Wanda, Christian Teenager, and her helper dog Buddy.....was brought to you by Scotty's Cough Syrup for Dogs. (WOOF, COUGH) Join us again next week when we hear Wanda say—

SS: It's a text message from Hillary. She's stranded on the West Side of New York. Let's go, Buddy. (WOOF)

(THEME OUT)