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Vote script
Saturday, November 4, 2006
Listen
Garrison Keillor: Election Day is next Tuesday and we're glad to welcome to our show, Mr. Al W. Anastasia, the owner of most of the voting machines used in America.
Tim Russell: Thank you. It's a real pleasure for me to be here.
GK: I guess most of us thought that voting machines were owned by the government, Mr. Anastasia. By cities and counties and so forth—
TR: No, they used to be but they were experiencing too many problems so they decided to lease the machines from my company, the Lucky Anastasia Company, so we now got the voting machines that are used by 3/4 of the 51 states.
GK: You mean 50 states?
TR: 50, 51. It's within our 2% margin of error.
GK: Let's talk about that. How reliable are these things?
TR: They are extremely reliable. A voting machine is a computer. A computer is designed so it's virtually impossible to make a mistake. Let me demonstrate on this machine I brought with me. As you can see, the candidates' names are clearly displayed on the touch screen (BEEPS). When a name is touched (BIP) sensors inside the screen register which area was pressed (SENSORS), that area is then isolated by means of a grid of electromagnetic pulses that run on an "X" and "Y" axis, thus allowing us to pinpoint (HOMING IN) one particular name. That impulse is then run through a series of gold-plated semiconductors (ELECTRONIC STATIC) and then split into 3 different signals (ZAP, ZAP, ZAP) and those are beamed to three different satellites we have 8 miles above the earth. This is to protect the anonymity of the voter. One of those signals is then relayed back to the machine while the other two are broadcast into outer space as "decoy signals" . The signal is then run through a 300-foot copper tube filled with freon (ARCTIC WIND) which freezes the electrodes and locks in your vote. (BURP). It goes down a chute (TRAP DOOR / FALLING) into a vacuum (VACUUM CLEANER) where radiation is shot through it to separate the protons from the neutrons (ELECTRIC CHAOS). The protons go down another chute (WHOOSH) while the neutrons go down yet another (WHISH). The protons are measured against the neutrons. Those protons and neutrons are then reassembled into zeroes or ones and this can be communicated to the CPU as a vote.
GK: It sounds complicated.
TR: It actually is simple. And there is no possibility of error. None. Almost none.
GK: But some?
TR: Nothing that you need to worry about.
GK: Where are the machines now?
TR: They're being loaded onto the trucks.
GK: Where?
TR: In Texas. That's where we keep em.
GK: I see.
TR: It's cheaper to store em down there and program em down there.
GK: Program them?
TR: Yeah. (PHONE RING) Excuse me. (PICK UP) Yeah? ...Who's this??? ...Oh. Yes, sir...I certainly will...Right away, sir...I'm on it... Ciao. —Hey, I gotta run.
GK: Al W. Anastasia, owner of 3/4 of the voting machines in all 50 or 51 states, thank you.
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