Rhubarb script
Saturday, November 11, 2006
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Garrison Keillor: This portion of our show brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie and frozen rhubarb pie filling.

(WIND)

GK: The day we left for Hawaii, Minnesota got its first dusting of snow, which means that at any minute blinding blizzards could sweep down out of the north, giving camouflage to the rapacious Canadians to sweep over the border in their white parkas and pillage hither and yon and carry our women back to Canada to become pre-school teachers. And so we do what we must for our country — we keep the roads clear (TRUCK GUNNING ENGINE), we carry cellphones so that we can phone in an emergency alert should we spot the wily invaders (

FN: HQ, this is Bravo Bravo, reporting two frostbacks coming in at 2 o'clock...over. STATIC), and we dress warmly ourselves.

Sue Scott (OLDER): Long underwear?

Tim Russell (TEEN): Check.

SS: Thinsulate hat and mittens?

TR: Check.

SS: Scarf, facemask, legwarmers? And what about chapstick?

TR: I'm only going out to the mailbox, mom.

SS: You never know. Those Canucks can sneak up and brain you with a hockey stick. You lie there senseless in the snow and you get chapped painful lips. You might be unable to speak to give Homeland Security a good description.

GK: So you trudge out to the mailbox (TRUDGING THROUGH SNOW), and you open it (SQUEAK), and there's a letter from an ex-girlfriend—

SS (TEEN): Dear Trevor: it's been approximately 9 months since we broke up, and I thought I was just getting fat, but it turns out that I'm-(WIND)

GK: And that's when the blizzard hits (WIND), and whips the letter out of your hand (FWIP)- and you run after it (FAST FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW, TR PANTING) and you run into the storm (BLIZZARD) and you fall down a rocky slope — (TR CRY, FALLING) which you didn't know was there — this is the prairie, after all — what's a rocky slope doing there? — and you land at the bottom (THUD, CRUNCH, GROAN) and you've broken your leg or something — and now, wouldn't you know it? (WOLVES) Carnivorous predators are closing in. It's an enormous wolf. (SNARL) What big teeth it has. (WOLF LOW SNARL) And in its mouth — (

TR: The letter!!!)

GK: The letter from your old girlfriend— you grab at the wolf and suddenly (HISS) a snow snake comes out of the drift and (WOLF WHINE) grabs the wolf and drags it away (FADING HOWL) What was she going to say? (TR SOBBING) You're blinded by the snow, plus which your leg is broken (SCRITCH, TR GASP OF PAIN), plus which you're delusional — (HAWAIIAN GUITAR, SS SIREN SONG) you imagine you're on a beach and a beautiful woman is dancing — maybe you've died and this is heaven-and then (DOG WOOFING) — it's your dog, Old Pete — he goes for help (WOOFING IN DISTANCE) and the police come (MANLY TALK) and put you on a toboggan (SLIDING OVER SNOW) and off to the hospital (SIREN) and a kindly doctor bends over you —

Fred Newman: You're going to be okay, son. You've suffered a very serious fratulation of the tibial obladula which, unless properly treated, would leave you unable to wave goodbye or make a G-chord on a guitar, but luckily there's a hospital that specializes in tibial obladulas. It's on Maui.

TR: Maui?

FN: Yes, son. I realize that's a long way from home and you may have to spend six to eight months there in rehab, but— there's just no other way. I'm afraid that Maui is your only option.

TR: Well— I'll think about it. (BRIDGE)

GK: Maui being your only option of course makes other places suddenly attractive to you — they weren't before but now that they've been crossed off the list—

TR: East St. Louis...Wichita...Aurora, Illinois...

GK: But Maui it is and so (JET TAKING OFF) you're flown there, you and your fratulated tibial obladula — and it's 80 degrees-so you relax. But relaxation makes you uneasy, because you're from the Midwest. Hawaii is on top of volcanoes. What if?

TR: I should get some lava-proof boots...a magma-repellant raincoat...an ash filter. What if the volcano blows? It could happen anytime.

GK: And the next day (RUMBLING OF VOLCANO) — you wake up to a volcano attack — except it's your roommate (VOLCANO SNORING) — another guy with a tibial obladula problem— (SNORING) — rehab is lovely on Maui (SURF) and soon you're feeling well enough to play ping-pong (SFX) and tennis (SFX) and badminton (SFX) and on Maui they play badminton with a real bird, a small puffin (SFX) — and you're even well enough to play golf (SWING, HIT, FLIGHT) although your tibial obladula problem gives you something of a slice (FLIGHT OFF, SPLASH IN MUCK) and you shank one off in the weeds and you go to fetch it —(THROUGH HEAVY BRUSH, JUNGLE BIRDS) and it's way back in there — beyond vines and enormous trees and -

SS: Oh! Hi!

TR: Trish!!!!

GK: It's your ex-girlfriend. The one who wrote you that interesting letter.

SS: Did you get my letter?

TR: I did but I wasn't sure what it meant—

SS: Oh. (INFANT CRY)

TR: I was sort of thinking that's what it was.

GK: And suddenly (THICK POPPING) big black bubbles are coming up out of the ground, (DEEP RUMBLE), and the ground is opening at your feet (CRACKING OF EARTH'S CRUST) and steam is rising (HISS), and she hands you the baby (

SS: HERE.) and hot lava is flowing (LAVA) and a gigantic prehistoric pterodactyl rises from the earth (SHRIEK) and guess what? You're a daddy. (INFANT CRY) (THEME)

Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(THEME)


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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