English Majors script
Saturday, November 25, 2006
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Garrison Keillor: And now, a message from the Partnership of English Majors. (TABLEWARE)

Sue Scott: Oh, Frank. This is so wonderful — I never went to a steakhouse before.

Tim Russell: Yeah, well. No biggie.

SS: You suppose they have salads here?

TR: Heck yes. Whatever. — Here, I got you something.

SS: What's this? A little bright blue box wrapped in a white ribbon—

TR: Yeah, the way I see it-- our information-gathering phase is over and it's time to move the relationship into third gear. So I'd like to gift you with this box.

SS: Sorry, you'd like to-what?

TR: Gift you. I'm gifting you here.

SS: Oh. Oh dear-I don't know--

TR: So what do you say, Jessica? Are you in or out?

SS: I like you, Frank...but— when I hear you use "gift" as a verb—

TR: Whatcha talking about?

SS: Gift is a noun, Frank. It shouldn't be used as a verb.

TR: Oh please. You're not going to be one of those people, are you?

SS: I am one of those people, Frank. I'm an English major-I thought you understood that.

TR: I thought you'd get over that, Jessica.

SS: Frank, being an English major is not something you get over. It's who I am. Language matters to me.

GK: Would you two like to see the dessert menu?

TR: Listen, mister, bug off, we got something going on here.

SS: Please, Frank—

GK: We have an audacious cheesecake tonight that is refulgent with cheese, a shimmering and resplendent dessert with plump, one might almost say Rubensesque, cherries on top.

TR: Hey, did you hear me, creep? Amscray.

SS: Did you say "Rubensesque?"

GK: Yes, of course.

SS: Most people would say "Rubenesque"—

GK: I know, but that would be wrong.

SS: Exactly. It refers to the painter. Peter Paul Rubens.

GK: Of course.

SS: You're the first person I know who has used that word correctly. I want to cry.

GK: Please. Here's a fresh napkin.

SS: For a moment, I thought you might be— but o no, I'm being silly—

GK: You thought I might be what?

SS: You're a waiter, but somehow I thought you might be a poet—

GK: I have a book of poems coming out next month. It's called "A Small Salad On The Side".

SS: Oh my gosh.

GK: It's my first collection.

SS: I'd give anything to read it!

GK: It's back at my apartment.

SS: Let me get my coat.

TR: Guess I'll take this ring and get out of here.

SS: Goodbye, Frank.

TR: I could've offered you a lot, Jessica. A lot.

SS: Maybe so. But there was no poetry, Frank.

TR: What????

SS: Poetry. (ROMANTIC VIOLIN) I could never be happy in that enormous condo of yours. That expensive furniture. The pool, the Jacuzzi. You forgot something, Frank.

TR: What was that?

SS: A bookshelf. There were no bookshelves. —Come.

GK: I'll get your coat. And here, sir.

TR: The bill. Oh thanks a lot.

GK: You're welcome.

TR: Don't expect a big tip, bozo.

GK: Eighteen percent. It's included.

TR: Curses! (MUTTERS OF RAGE)

GK: A message from the Partnership of English Majors.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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