Rhubarb script
Saturday, November 25, 2006

Garrison Keillor: You went to your girlfriend Chantal's parents' house for Thanksgiving, where you were careful not to eat too much, not to talk about politics, and her dad seemed to like you (JOWLY MALE GIBBERISH) and her mother took a shine to you too (FEMALE GIBBERISH) and now, while they and Chantal go off to visit Aunt Jean in the Good Shepherd Home, you decide to earn extra credit by decorating the new Christmas tree. You bring the tree in from the garage and (FN STRAINING) it's a big tree and it's hard to get it around the corner into the living room (STRAINING, WOOD CRACKING) and you bend it and it sort of springs back and (SPROINNGGG, CRY OF ALARM, MAJOR GLASS BREAKAGE) the trunk wipes out Mrs. Borchert's collection of fine crystal. Oh boy. But if you can get the thing set up and lit, maybe they won't notice. You put it in the tree stand and (RATCHETING) tighten the screws and you get out the lights — (RATTLING) there are four strings of lights and they're all tangled together (RATTLING, FRUSTRATION), and you try to untie the knots (RATTLING), and you get one string wound around the tree and it's a string of musical lights (ELECTRONIC JINGLE BELLS) — from Scotland — (BAGPIPE JINGLE BELLS) and sparks are flying from the socket (SHORTING) and you start to take the lights off the tree (SIGH, SFX), and suddenly you smell smoke (FN CRY OF ALARM)— from the kitchen-(FN: The cookies!) You forgot about the cookies! (CRY OF TERROR) Mrs. Borchert said to be sure to take them out of the oven in fifteen minutes. It's been an hour. (CRY OF HORROR). You dash for the kitchen (FAST FOOTSTEPS) but you're tangled in the Christmas lights (SPROING) and you pull the whole tree right down on top of you (TREE FALLS, KONK, FN FALLS, GLASS BREAKAGE), and you're lying under it (SFX) and you can't crawl out, because the cord is wrapped around your legs, so you have to take off your pants (ZIP) and squirm your way out in your underwear (STRUGGLE), and into the kitchen (RUNNING) you go and open the oven (WHEEZING) — smoke billows out and the smoke alarm goes off (SERIES OF ALARMS), and you try to turn it off but the ceiling's too high, so you take off your shirt and wave it to clear the smoke out (WHIPPING SHIRT AROUND), and you accidentally knock down (CRASH, UH OH) a bottle of olive oil, which leaks all over, which you then (CRY OF ALARM, SLIP, FALL, CRUNCH OF BONE) slip on and fall, which awakens their Pomeranian (SMALL DOG SNARL) who lunges at you and bites your undies (CRY OF ALARM, RIP) and there you are, naked in a smoke-filled kitchen (ALARM) with a singing Christmas tree (BAGPIPE JINGLE BELLS) and the doorknob turns, and it's your girlfriend and her parents—

Sue Scott: Eric? (THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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