A Prairie Home Companion: December 2, 2006

St. Buffalo script
Saturday, December 2, 2006
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(PIANO, I HEARD THE BELLS ON CHRISTMAS DAY)

Garrison Keillor: It's the holidays, that joyous time when families come together. But sometimes families have different goals when it comes to the holidays.

Tim Russell: My mom called today. She wants to know if we prefer turkey or goose for Christmas.

Sue Scott: For Christmas?

TR: Yes.

SS: Since when did we decide we're going to your mother's for Christmas?

TR: Well—aren't we?

SS: What about my parents?

TR: Your parents live in Miami. They're in a nursing home. They suffer from senile dementia. They never celebrated Christmas in their lives.

SS: Does that make them any less human? If you cut them, do they not bleed? What am I supposed to do? Go down there and shoot them? (WEEPING) Is that what you want?? You want me to kill my own family??? Would that make you happy??? Should I just go down there and suffocate them with pillows???

TR: Oh please.

SS: —my own parents— the ones who gave me life (SOBBING)— my people?

TR: And what about the kids? You want to drag them down to Miami to sit in a little room that smells of Lysol and eat canned turkey with their grandparents who don't even know who they are? (SS EXASPERATION) What are you doing with the phone? Who are you calling?

SS: My lawyer!!!! (PIANO PHRASE)

GK: If the holidays threaten to tear your family apart, don't wait until the last minute. Call St. Buffalo today and check yourself in for a holiday retreat.

ALL (CHANT): For families in crisis
St. Buffalo's is the nicest.

GK: St. Buffalo is a monastery on Lake Erie where you experience things that make you appreciate your family more.

TR (OLDER): Here at St. Buffalo, we believe in accepting what God has for us. We take in families and we put them in heavy woollen sweaters and parkas and we feed you sausages that settle you down. Everyday you spend six hours running a snowblower (BLOWER) and after doing that you come to a fuller appreciation of your own family.

GK: If you're feeling the stress of the holidays, call St. Buffalo now and reserve a room for yourself—the number is—

TR & GK & Fred Newman & Rich Dworsky (CHANTING): C L V M C X X V I I —

GK: That number again...

TR & GK & FN & RD (CHANTING): C L V M C X X V I I — (BUTTON)