A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Don't Scratch Your Butt lyrics
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Listen

Mind your manners at all times and places.
Be polite on a regular basis.
Say Buenos dias as someone approaches,
Or, if it's evening, say Buenos noches.
Please and thank you go a long way.
Excuse me and after you and if I may.
And always chew with your mouth shut
And please don't scratch your butt.

No, don't scratch your butt
Though it is satisfying, I know
Nothing feels cheerier than to rub your posterior
But there's no pro and con— it's open and shut.
Don't scratch your butt.

Do Europeans or Swedes or Norwegians
Reach back to scratch at their nether regions?
Do the U.S. Marines at attention reach back
To pull their underwear out of their crack?
It's unthinkable. Even Howard Stern
Regards a butt-scratcher with alarm and concern—
How gauche. In public. To be scratching your tush.
Do Congressmen do it? Does President Bush?

No, don't scratch your butt
Even though it may itch.
Only savage brutes, put a hand to their glutes
Believe me the case is extremely clear-cut
Don't scratch your butt.
As you get older and more distinguished
And you've written some books in very good English
There may come a day — O praise the Lord—
When you get a National Book Award
They call out your name — there's heavy applause
And you walk to the podium slowly because
You feel an itch — a real irritation—
All eyes on you and you feel a temptation

Don't scratch your butt
You're an author, not an old mutt
If you need a reminder— please— not your hinder.
Where were you brought up? In a little mud hut?
Don't scratch your butt.