Shampoo script
Saturday, December 9, 2006
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(PIANO MUSIC)

Garrison Keillor: Adventures in American Aviation...(JET AIRPLANE LANDING) every day, thousands of stories criss-cross at the airport. Stories you and I will never know. Stories we can only imagine. Here on Adventures in American Aviation. (THEME UNDER)

It was a bottle of shampoo — a very nice French shampoo — (Sue Scott FRENCH MURMURS) — with just a hint of fennel— and it was on its way to New York City and then — at the airport—

Fred Newman: You got any toiletries in the bag? Any creams or balms? Gels? Anything liquid?

Tim Russell: Just a bottle of shampoo. (SS FRENCH MURMUR) Gift for my girlfriend. Got it in the airport.

FN: Sorry. Gotta throw it in the trash. (SS FRENCH ALARM).

TR: Okay. (SS FRENCH: Non non non. Non non non. Non non.) (BOTTLE LANDS IN JUNK)

GK: And there she lay, a little dazed. (SS FRENCH CONFUSION) She was in with a lot of cans of half-finished soda pop (BURBLING OF LIQUIDS, AND BELCH) and a bottle of aquavit (TR SWEDISH) and some face cream (SQUORTS) and a bottle of Old Spice aftershave.

FN (ROUGH): Hey kid.

SS: Are you talking to moi? You? A jar of hair gel?

FN: Hey, we're the only toiletries in here. You smell nice. Like fennel.

SS: What will become of us?

FN: Hey relax. Go ahead, loosen your cap.

SS: How do I get out of here?

FN: Out of the barrel? It ain't easy. I met a hair spray once, she almost got out, she was able to see over the edge anyway, and then they threw her back in.

SS: I was going to New York. I was a gift. It's not fair. I did nothing.

FN: Yeah, it's sad the stigma attached to being a lotion these days. Honest, hard-working toiletries but it only take one bad apple to spoil it, I guess.

TR (DEEP, ROUGH): Hey. Quit squeezing me.

FN: I ain't squeezing you.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): You are too.

FN: Why would I be squeezing you?

TR (DEEP ROUGH): That's what I'd like to know.

FN: You're a skin salve. We hair gels have nothing to do with you people.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): Get out of my face.

SS: Please. Let's not fight among ourselves.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): Who's she? Your girlfriend?

FN: Oh please.

SS: Listen. I've been reading that warning notice up there and you know why they're afraid of us? Because if we mix our stuff together it makes an explosive.

FN: You gotta be kidding.

SS: They think we're explosive. So— let's explode.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): What's she talking about?

SS: I'm talking about taking off our caps and mixing our stuff together.

FN: Mixing our stuff together???? Do you know what you're suggesting???

TR (DEEP ROUGH): That's sex.

FN: How did a nice shampoo like you come up with a dirty filthy idea like that?

SS: What do we have to lose? They're never going to let us out.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): I thought they sent us to an orphanage or something.

SS: Why would they blow up orphans?

FN: She's got a point. What do we have to lose? Let's show em. (MURMURS OF AGREEMENT) Let's show em they can't push us toiletries around anymore!

SS (EFFORT): There. I've got my cap off.

FN: Don't stare at her.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): I'm not staring.

SS: Take off your cap.

FN: (EFFORT) There. It's off. I'm naked.

SS: I'm going to squirt on you. Ready?

FN: I think so. What if I explode though?

SS: Are you afraid?

FN: No!

SS: Good. (SPLORT) There. Some more? (SPLORT)

TR (DEEP ROUGH): Here. Some skin salve. (SPLORT, SQUORT) It says on your label to rub gently, rinse, and repeat. You want me to?

SS: Mmmmmm. That felt good.

FN: But we didn't explode.

SS: Maybe we need some soda pop. Hey you Cola—

TR (HIGH): Yeah?

SS: Shake yourself up. C'mon. Dance.

TR (HIGH): Okay. (SHAKES, CHEEKS GO WIBBLEWIBBLE) There. I'm just about to— (POP, SPRAY OF CARBONATED BEVERAGE) Wow. Cool.

SS: I've got soda all over me and salve and hair gel and — nothing.

FN: Maybe you have to wait.

SS: I donno. I think I was wrong. We shouldn't have done it.

FN: Why not?

SS: You're not going to respect me tomorrow. Are you?

FN: No, I will. I do.

SS: But you won't.

FN: I will. Honest. Take a look at my label.

SS: Satisfaction guaranteed. Hmmmm. Okay.

(THEME)

GK: Thousands of stories criss-cross every day at the airport, and you've just heard one of them...on Adventures in American Aviation. (THEME OUT)