Shampoo script
Saturday, December 9, 2006


Garrison Keillor: Adventures in American Aviation...(JET AIRPLANE LANDING) every day, thousands of stories criss-cross at the airport. Stories you and I will never know. Stories we can only imagine. Here on Adventures in American Aviation. (THEME UNDER)

It was a bottle of shampoo — a very nice French shampoo — (Sue Scott FRENCH MURMURS) — with just a hint of fennel— and it was on its way to New York City and then — at the airport—

Fred Newman: You got any toiletries in the bag? Any creams or balms? Gels? Anything liquid?

Tim Russell: Just a bottle of shampoo. (SS FRENCH MURMUR) Gift for my girlfriend. Got it in the airport.

FN: Sorry. Gotta throw it in the trash. (SS FRENCH ALARM).

TR: Okay. (SS FRENCH: Non non non. Non non non. Non non.) (BOTTLE LANDS IN JUNK)

GK: And there she lay, a little dazed. (SS FRENCH CONFUSION) She was in with a lot of cans of half-finished soda pop (BURBLING OF LIQUIDS, AND BELCH) and a bottle of aquavit (TR SWEDISH) and some face cream (SQUORTS) and a bottle of Old Spice aftershave.

FN (ROUGH): Hey kid.

SS: Are you talking to moi? You? A jar of hair gel?

FN: Hey, we're the only toiletries in here. You smell nice. Like fennel.

SS: What will become of us?

FN: Hey relax. Go ahead, loosen your cap.

SS: How do I get out of here?

FN: Out of the barrel? It ain't easy. I met a hair spray once, she almost got out, she was able to see over the edge anyway, and then they threw her back in.

SS: I was going to New York. I was a gift. It's not fair. I did nothing.

FN: Yeah, it's sad the stigma attached to being a lotion these days. Honest, hard-working toiletries but it only take one bad apple to spoil it, I guess.

TR (DEEP, ROUGH): Hey. Quit squeezing me.

FN: I ain't squeezing you.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): You are too.

FN: Why would I be squeezing you?

TR (DEEP ROUGH): That's what I'd like to know.

FN: You're a skin salve. We hair gels have nothing to do with you people.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): Get out of my face.

SS: Please. Let's not fight among ourselves.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): Who's she? Your girlfriend?

FN: Oh please.

SS: Listen. I've been reading that warning notice up there and you know why they're afraid of us? Because if we mix our stuff together it makes an explosive.

FN: You gotta be kidding.

SS: They think we're explosive. So— let's explode.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): What's she talking about?

SS: I'm talking about taking off our caps and mixing our stuff together.

FN: Mixing our stuff together???? Do you know what you're suggesting???

TR (DEEP ROUGH): That's sex.

FN: How did a nice shampoo like you come up with a dirty filthy idea like that?

SS: What do we have to lose? They're never going to let us out.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): I thought they sent us to an orphanage or something.

SS: Why would they blow up orphans?

FN: She's got a point. What do we have to lose? Let's show em. (MURMURS OF AGREEMENT) Let's show em they can't push us toiletries around anymore!

SS (EFFORT): There. I've got my cap off.

FN: Don't stare at her.

TR (DEEP ROUGH): I'm not staring.

SS: Take off your cap.

FN: (EFFORT) There. It's off. I'm naked.

SS: I'm going to squirt on you. Ready?

FN: I think so. What if I explode though?

SS: Are you afraid?

FN: No!

SS: Good. (SPLORT) There. Some more? (SPLORT)

TR (DEEP ROUGH): Here. Some skin salve. (SPLORT, SQUORT) It says on your label to rub gently, rinse, and repeat. You want me to?

SS: Mmmmmm. That felt good.

FN: But we didn't explode.

SS: Maybe we need some soda pop. Hey you Cola—

TR (HIGH): Yeah?

SS: Shake yourself up. C'mon. Dance.


SS: I've got soda all over me and salve and hair gel and — nothing.

FN: Maybe you have to wait.

SS: I donno. I think I was wrong. We shouldn't have done it.

FN: Why not?

SS: You're not going to respect me tomorrow. Are you?

FN: No, I will. I do.

SS: But you won't.

FN: I will. Honest. Take a look at my label.

SS: Satisfaction guaranteed. Hmmmm. Okay.


GK: Thousands of stories criss-cross every day at the airport, and you've just heard one of them...on Adventures in American Aviation. (THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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