Mrs. Claus script
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Listen

Garrison Keillor: — Is she on the phone now? She is? Okay. Mrs. Santa Claus is on the phone from the North Pole. (PICKUP) Hello? Mrs. Claus?

Walter Bobbie (ON PHONE): Yes, hello?

GK: Mrs. Santa Claus, how are you? Tired, I would think— this is a big time for you.

WB (OLD LADY, ON PHONE): Tired, yes, but happy. Somehow, I don't know how, we got it done again, and now he's off in that crazy sleigh, and now — it's good to be alone.

GK: You're alone on the polar icecap?

WB: I'm fine. I'm used to it.

GK: Isn't it cold up there?

WB: Not as cold as it used to be. That's the worrisome part. But I'm fine. There's some open water just beyond the Workshop —ice isn't as thick as we thought — but I take it one day at a time. (OFF) You get out of there!!! Git!!! Hear me!!!! Leave those cookies alone!!!

GK: Mrs. Claus, what is it?

WB (OFF): You git or I'm going to come and smack you one, you hear?

GK: What is it, Mrs. Claus?

WB: It's those darned elves.

GK: Oh?

WB: (OFF) Those are not for you! Git!

GK: Mrs. Claus—

WB: They get high as a kite and think they own the place— (OFF) Shoo! Git! (DOOR SLAM) There. Got

GK: So what are you doing now, Mrs. Claus?

WB: Right now, I'm whipping up some seal teriyaki— (SIZZLE)

GK: I see.

WB: Hang on, just let me add a little oil here—(FLAMEUP) Whoa! About lost my eyebrows there.

GK: You be careful— are you sure you shouldn't call up an elf or something—

WB: Oh, don't be silly. (CLUMSY KNOCKING) Hang on just a minute, someone's here (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT, DOOR OPENS, POLAR BEAR, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS RETURN) Ok. I'm back.

GK: Sounds like you have another visitor.

(DISTANT BEAR)

WB: Yes. A polar bear.

GK: A polar bear!?

WB: Oh he's a sweetie pie. Aren't you a sweetie pie? Say hello. (BEAR) You hear him?

GK: Mrs. Claus, I don't know about this—

WB: He just likes getting scratched, don't you? Don't you— (HAPPY BEAR) He's lying on his back with a big smile on his face.

GK: He's not going to claw you—

WB: No— I'm the one who has the Claus. Get it? I'm the one who's got the Claus. — (CHUCKLE) I love that joke.

GK: I think maybe we'd better let you go now, Mrs. Claus—

WB: Call me Jennifer. Here-let me just get my hair out of this little bun. Ahhhh. Much better. Curtis loves to dance—(BEAR)

GK: He's a dancing bear?

WB: He is, and when you dance with a bear, remember: he leads and you follow. (BEAR) Come on, honey. Let's dance. (BEAR) (MUSIC)

GK: We're going to say goodbye now, Mrs. Claus—

WB: (SINGS) We'll have a little nightcap
Out on the polar icecap
And dance across the Arctic—
Up here where we parked it.

GK: Merry Christmas to you, dear.

WB (SINGS): Way up here north of Canada
It looks like I've been handed a
Glass of something caloric.
Here's looking at you, New Yorick.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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