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Mrs. Claus script
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Listen
Garrison Keillor: — Is she on the phone now? She is? Okay. Mrs. Santa Claus is on the phone from the North Pole. (PICKUP) Hello? Mrs. Claus?
Walter Bobbie (ON PHONE): Yes, hello?
GK: Mrs. Santa Claus, how are you? Tired, I would think— this is a big time for you.
WB (OLD LADY, ON PHONE): Tired, yes, but happy. Somehow, I don't know how, we got it done again, and now he's off in that crazy sleigh, and now — it's good to be alone.
GK: You're alone on the polar icecap?
WB: I'm fine. I'm used to it.
GK: Isn't it cold up there?
WB: Not as cold as it used to be. That's the worrisome part. But I'm fine. There's some open water just beyond the Workshop —ice isn't as thick as we thought — but I take it one day at a time. (OFF) You get out of there!!! Git!!! Hear me!!!! Leave those cookies alone!!!
GK: Mrs. Claus, what is it?
WB (OFF): You git or I'm going to come and smack you one, you hear?
GK: What is it, Mrs. Claus?
WB: It's those darned elves.
GK: Oh?
WB: (OFF) Those are not for you! Git!
GK: Mrs. Claus—
WB: They get high as a kite and think they own the place— (OFF) Shoo! Git! (DOOR SLAM) There. Got
GK: So what are you doing now, Mrs. Claus?
WB: Right now, I'm whipping up some seal teriyaki— (SIZZLE)
GK: I see.
WB: Hang on, just let me add a little oil here—(FLAMEUP) Whoa! About lost my eyebrows there.
GK: You be careful— are you sure you shouldn't call up an elf or something—
WB: Oh, don't be silly. (CLUMSY KNOCKING) Hang on just a minute, someone's here (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT, DOOR OPENS, POLAR BEAR, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS RETURN) Ok. I'm back.
GK: Sounds like you have another visitor.
(DISTANT BEAR)
WB: Yes. A polar bear.
GK: A polar bear!?
WB: Oh he's a sweetie pie. Aren't you a sweetie pie? Say hello. (BEAR) You hear him?
GK: Mrs. Claus, I don't know about this—
WB: He just likes getting scratched, don't you? Don't you— (HAPPY BEAR) He's lying on his back with a big smile on his face.
GK: He's not going to claw you—
WB: No— I'm the one who has the Claus. Get it? I'm the one who's got the Claus. — (CHUCKLE) I love that joke.
GK: I think maybe we'd better let you go now, Mrs. Claus—
WB: Call me Jennifer. Here-let me just get my hair out of this little bun. Ahhhh. Much better. Curtis loves to dance—(BEAR)
GK: He's a dancing bear?
WB: He is, and when you dance with a bear, remember: he leads and you follow. (BEAR) Come on, honey. Let's dance. (BEAR) (MUSIC)
GK: We're going to say goodbye now, Mrs. Claus—
WB: (SINGS) We'll have a little nightcap
Out on the polar icecap
And dance across the Arctic—
Up here where we parked it.
GK: Merry Christmas to you, dear.
WB (SINGS): Way up here north of Canada
It looks like I've been handed a
Glass of something caloric.
Here's looking at you, New Yorick.
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