Rhubarb script
Saturday, December 31, 2006
Listen

Garrison Keillor: ...this portion of our show brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. (SURF & GULLS) It's New Year's Eve and you think about the past, about your wasted college years (POP-TOP BEER. DRUNKEN WHOOPEES) and your miserable internship running a copier (COPIER) and the fax machine (FAX) and answering the phone (RING.

FN: Associated Federation of Organizations, how may I help you?) and your slow climb up the corporate ladder — (STRUGGLING, HITTING), the battles for supremacy (WHIPPING, CLUBBING) and then the struggle to win a vice-presidency (TOMMY GUN) and finally the corner suite is yours (TRUMPET) — you're No. 1—

Fred Newman: I made it! Ha! I'm the big enchilada! King of the hill!

And you take your corporate rivals and tie them naked to a rock for the buzzards to peck out their livers (BIRD SHRILL CLUCKING. MAN'S HORROR. PROTEST. BIRD SHRIEK. TEARING OF FLESH. MAN'S SCREAM). And you buy a hundred acres in the woods and bring in a bulldozer. (SFX) to dig the foundation of your 100,000 square-foot mansion overlooking the Pacific ocean (SURF, GULLS). And there one drunken New Year's Eve (CHAMPAGNE CORK POP, PARTY CRIES) you do a dumb thing. You decide to get out your BMW and wedge a stick on the gas pedal and run it down the hill and over the cliff and into the ocean below with the horn blowing — you've never done it before and you wonder what it will sound like and so— (CAR REV, HORN BLOW,

OVER CLIFF AND INTO SEA, SPLASH) — and a pod of whales passing by rises from the water (WHALES) and the sound waves drive them mad (WHALES) and also a school of dolphins (SFX) who go berserk and take over a submarine (DOLPHINS, KLAXON. DOLPHIN: Dive! Dive! KLAXON) and the dolphins, who though they are crazed are nonetheless extremely intelligent, see a satellite in the sky and they take it for an incoming meteoroid (DOLPHIN EXCITEMENT) and they aim the forward tubes (PERISCOPE UP) and shoot the guided missiles (TWO TORPEDOES) out into space to hit the satellite (EXPLOSION) and blow it up and it's the satellite that transmits our radio show so we go dead (SFX) and pieces of it head for earth (WHIZZING OF INCOING) one of which hits a chicken coop (BIG SMASH, CHICKEN FRENZY). And another lands outside of Nashville and sets off a rockslide (AVALANCHE) and an earthquake (SFX) and dinosaur eggs deep in the earth's crust (SFX) are opened and giant mutant pterodactyls rise from the earth (SFX) and meanwhile the kids at the nearby Baptist Scout Camp are playing ping pong (KIDS, PING PONG) and the Homeland Security people arrive (CHOPPER) and they make the kids go through a metal detector (SFX) as the pterodactyls come up the Cumberland River (SFX) and nothing stands between them and the city except for a bagpiper (SFX) and the sound of the pipes makes the pterodactyls' brains implode (SFX) and the city is saved — but at a terrible cost, all because of what you did years ago on New Year's Eve. Shame. Shame. (LOW SHAME NOTES) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie?

GK:
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.



Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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