Rhubarb script
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: So you're in San Francisco in January. Not peak season, so you save some money, and you get an ocean view room at the Sheraton Stinson Beach (SURF, SEAGULLS) and the waiter brings the Honeymoon Lunch for Two (

FN: Shall I open the wine, sir? (CORKSCREW) — and opens a bottle of wine, even though there's only one of you. (QUIET SOBBING) Jackie left you. This morning. On California Street. You rented a car at the airport and you came into the city (TRAFFIC) and you thought you knew a shortcut to the Golden Gate Bridge —

Sue Scott: What are you doing? The street goes straight up!! (CAR REVS)

Tim Russell: Trust me. (REV AND CAR HEADS UP STEEP HILL)

SS: Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

TR: It's okay, it's okay.

SS: Why are you stopping????

TR: There's a stop sign!! (BRAKES)

SS: The car is perpendicular!

TR: Lean forward—

SS: Lean forward???

TR: Don't lean back. Okay, here we go—

SS: Don't take your foot off the brake, the car is going to— (CAR ROLLS BACK AS SHE CRIES OUT, CRUNCH AND GLASS BREAKAGE)—

TR: That's how you stop in reverse. (REV, SQUEAL OF TIRES, CAR JUMPS FORWARD, THEN DINGING)

SS: Stop! Stop! Cable car. STOP! (BRAKES, CABLE CAR GOES DINGING PAST, GRINDING, SQUEALING)

TR: Okay. Here we go. (REV)

SS: I can't see the street.

TR: It's there. Trust me, it's there.

SS: Where are you going? We're going over a cliff — (FALLING, SS CRIES OUT, DESCENDING) — (IT'S AIRBORNE, THEN SCREECH OF TIRES AS IT LANDS)

TR: Okay, back on the ground again. We're okay.

SS: Stop.

TR: What?

SS: I said stop.

TR: Why?

SS: Let me out.

TR: Where?

SS: Here. (BRIDGE) So you let her out there. And now you're here. (SURF, GULLS) And the waiter is pouring you a glass of wine.

Fred Newman: This is the '98, which has an elegant structure-with an extracted palate that's plush and meaty, yet complex and bright on a tannic frame, nicely oaked with a lingering finish of boysenberries, leather and pencil shavings. You'll like it. (POURING)

And you do. You like it so much that you finish off the whole thing. (BELCH) And you feel the lure of the sea. (FOGHORN) And you pull on a rubber suit (RUBBER, STRUGGLE), and you wade into the surf (SURF), and you swim which is amazingly easy, and then you see why— (TR GASP OF HORROR) the current is pulling you out to sea and the hotel recedes into the distance (TR: Help!) and you start to panic and suddenly there are dolphins all around you (DOLPHINS). The helper fish! Except, these dolphins aren't like the ones in movies. These are dolphins of evil. (MENACING DOLPHINS). They seem to be herding you farther away from shore, and laughing (DOLPHIN LAUGHTER). They're passing you off to a jellyfish. (ZAP, WINCE). Who passed you off to a giant squid (WEIRD SQUEAKING, SUCKING) — you're part of some sort of food chain. And now— what's this? (JAWS THEME). Fins in the water all around you. And they're not dolphins.

(CELLPHONE RING) It's your cellphone. It's under your wetsuit. (RUBBER STRETCHING, THEN PICKUP.)

TR: Hello?

SS (ON PHONE): Jeff?

TR: Jackie!!!

SS: Where are you?

TR: I'm in the ocean and I'm about to be eaten by sharks.

SS: Are you kidding me?

TR: You want to talk to one of them? Here. (JAWS THEME) Believe me now?

SS: Oh Jeff? What can I do?

TR: For starters, call the Coast Guard! Do something!!!

GK: You're in the water with black fins around you and (FAST FORWARD SFX) suddenly your whole life appears before your eyes — (INFANT CRY. THEN FAST FORWARD. HOME RUN. FAST FORWARD. SAXOPHONE. FF. SS: Oh yes yes yes yes yes. Oh don't stop now. Yes yes yes yes. FF.) And suddenly- (CHOPPER). It's the Coast Guard. Hovering overhead. You raise your arms and wave at them (TR: Hey! Down here!), forgetting that waving your arms in the air is the universal signal for "I'm ok"-and so they give you the thumbs up and head back. (HELICOPTER FADING, PIANO RHYTHM). Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(SINGS)

One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.