A Prairie Home Companion: January 27, 2007

Net script
Saturday, January 27, 2007
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(PIANO TRAGICO AND UNDER)

Sue Scott (SHAKY): I just can't stop myself. Yesterday I was online for twelve hours straight. I didn't have time to eat. I surfed around reading stuff about forsythia and Cary Grant and umbilical cords and salmon fishing and Route 66 and methane and I ordered a wet suit even though I can't swim. I am powerless to resist. I need the help of a higher power.

Fred Newman (JUNKIE): I haven't checked my email in over ten minutes. My hands are shaking, my mouth is dry. Oh man. I'm totally jonesing here.

Garrison Keillor: (HUMMING IN THE BACKGROUND) If the computer has taken over your life, come to the Monastery of St. Xavier of the Screen in Philadelphia.

MONKS CHANTING: (Log off. Step away from the keyboard. Double click on life.)

SS: I take my Blackberry with me to parties or dinners and sneak away every fifteen minutes and check my e-mail.

Tim Russell: We lost power in that big snowstorm last week, and our Internet connection went down. I lost control and punched a hole in the wall, and now I'm in the hospital where surgeons are reassembling my right hand. When I get out, I'm going to Xavier.

MONKS CHANTING: (Power down. Force quit. Open a new window in your mind.)

SS: I knew it had gone too far when my husband and I sat in adjacent rooms and sent Instant Messages to each other.

FN: And then last week I realized that all my friends are people I've never met. And I wasn't in anybody's top 8. I'm going to Xavier.

GK: If you want to get your life back, check into St. Xavier of the Screen in Philadelphia where people still drop in at other people's houses and sit and talk, as odd as that may seem.

MONKS CHANTING: (Clear your search history. Undo. Connect to a higher browser)

GK: St. Xavier of the Screen. It's time. Unplug and come to your senses.

MONKS (CHANT): In Philadelphia.