Rocky script
Saturday, January 27, 2007


Garrison Keillor: Opening next weekend here in Philadelphia, it's Rocky VIII, "Rocky Gets His AARP Card."

Tim Russell (ROCKY): What is this? AARP? What gives? Huh?

Sue Scott: It's the American Association of Retired Peo—

TR (ROCKY): Retired!!! Who they talking about? Me? Get outta here.

SS: Sorry. Wrong AARP. This is the Association for the Advancement of Revered Prizefighters.

TR (ROCKY): That's more like it. Hey, where are my sweatpants?

SS: You're wearing your sweatpants.

TR (ROCKY): Oh. Big deal. Now. If you'll excuse me. I gotta go.

SS: Ok. Good luck honey. (A BEAT)

TR (ROCKY): Shoot.

SS: What's wrong now?

TR (ROCKY): Have you seen my keys?

GK: It's the story of an older guy who has taken a lot of punches to the head and kidneys, especially from movie critics. But he keeps on coming.

TR (ROCKY): Yo. One bagel with cream cheese.

Fred Newman (TEEN): What kind of cream cheese?

TR (ROCKY): Just the regular kind.

FN (TEEN): It's named for a city. The city you're in right now.

TR (ROCKY): Give me a hint. What does it start with?—

FN (TEEN): Hey, you're that old boxer from like, a million years ago who like, ran all those steps in front of the art museum?

TR (ROCKY): Thanks, kid. Now I remember where I was going.


GK: Rocky VIII — in which Rocky Balboa takes on Ed McMahon (STING)

TR (ED MCMAHON): And heeeeeeeeeeere's Ed McMahon!!! (LAUGHS) I just get a big kick out of being me, Ed McMahon, and selling various scams on TV to all those geezers out there— (LAUGHS) who weren't that bright to begin with.

TR (ROCKY): Why I oughta knock your lights out.

GK: And Rocky goes hunting with Dick Cheney. (SHOTGUN BLAST)

TR (ROCKY): Hey. What was that about? Friends don't shoot friends in the face.

TR (CHENEY): Well, I operate on the principle that if there's even a one percent chance that it's a quail, I have to shoot.

TR (ROCKY): You do that again and I'm going to knock that smirk over to the other side of your mouth.

GK: It's Rocky VIII and coming soon, Rocky XIX — "Rocky Finds A Rest Home"

TR (ROCKY): We got water aerobics here and hatha yoga and they give you a good breakfast with fruit and fiber. I stay away from big flights of stairs. Too hard on your knees. Use the elevator.

GK: And so the saga of Rocky Balboa continues to unfold here in the great city of Philadelphia.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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