A Prairie Home Companion: January 27, 2007

Rocky script
Saturday, January 27, 2007
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(THEME FROM "ROCKY")

Garrison Keillor: Opening next weekend here in Philadelphia, it's Rocky VIII, "Rocky Gets His AARP Card."

Tim Russell (ROCKY): What is this? AARP? What gives? Huh?

Sue Scott: It's the American Association of Retired Peo—

TR (ROCKY): Retired!!! Who they talking about? Me? Get outta here.

SS: Sorry. Wrong AARP. This is the Association for the Advancement of Revered Prizefighters.

TR (ROCKY): That's more like it. Hey, where are my sweatpants?

SS: You're wearing your sweatpants.

TR (ROCKY): Oh. Big deal. Now. If you'll excuse me. I gotta go.

SS: Ok. Good luck honey. (A BEAT)

TR (ROCKY): Shoot.

SS: What's wrong now?

TR (ROCKY): Have you seen my keys?

GK: It's the story of an older guy who has taken a lot of punches to the head and kidneys, especially from movie critics. But he keeps on coming.

TR (ROCKY): Yo. One bagel with cream cheese.

Fred Newman (TEEN): What kind of cream cheese?

TR (ROCKY): Just the regular kind.

FN (TEEN): It's named for a city. The city you're in right now.

TR (ROCKY): Give me a hint. What does it start with?—

FN (TEEN): Hey, you're that old boxer from like, a million years ago who like, ran all those steps in front of the art museum?

TR (ROCKY): Thanks, kid. Now I remember where I was going.

(DOOR JINGLES OPEN, SHUTS)

GK: Rocky VIII — in which Rocky Balboa takes on Ed McMahon (STING)

TR (ED MCMAHON): And heeeeeeeeeeere's Ed McMahon!!! (LAUGHS) I just get a big kick out of being me, Ed McMahon, and selling various scams on TV to all those geezers out there— (LAUGHS) who weren't that bright to begin with.

TR (ROCKY): Why I oughta knock your lights out.

GK: And Rocky goes hunting with Dick Cheney. (SHOTGUN BLAST)

TR (ROCKY): Hey. What was that about? Friends don't shoot friends in the face.

TR (CHENEY): Well, I operate on the principle that if there's even a one percent chance that it's a quail, I have to shoot.

TR (ROCKY): You do that again and I'm going to knock that smirk over to the other side of your mouth.

GK: It's Rocky VIII and coming soon, Rocky XIX — "Rocky Finds A Rest Home"

TR (ROCKY): We got water aerobics here and hatha yoga and they give you a good breakfast with fruit and fiber. I stay away from big flights of stairs. Too hard on your knees. Use the elevator.

GK: And so the saga of Rocky Balboa continues to unfold here in the great city of Philadelphia.

(ROCKY THEME OUT)