Listener-Submitted Jokes
Saturday, February 3, 2007

Read more jokes, and submit your own >>

Do you know why one side of the V formation of migrating geese is longer than the other?

Because there are more geese on that side.

-Greetings and thanks to Gary Decker in Syracuse NY who can recite every joke he has heard since the 3rd grade.


Both Dolly Parton and the Queen die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the pearly gates and looks in his big book and says "Sorry ladies but there is only room for one of you". Without hesitation Dolly lifts up her sweater and says "These should get me in"!!

A bit taken back St Peter turns to the Queen and without a word she goes to the commode at the pearly gates, lifts her skirt and does a pee and pulls the handle.

Still flashing her bare chest Dolly says "These should still get me in"

Sadly St Peter shakes his head and says "Sorry Dolly but a Royal flush will always beat a pair" !!


Did you hear about the new movie called "Constipated"? It hasn't come out yet.

-Submitted by Kyle Hansen, age 11, Millwood, Washington. I'd like to say hi to my teacher, Miss Pearson. I'll do my homework as soon as the joke show is over.


A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband tying a pair of toothpicks to each pea in a bag of frozen peas with tiny strips of gauze.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asks.

He looks up from what his work and says, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm making splint pea soup."

A few days later she finds him in the kitchen again, this time stabbing potatoes repeatedly with a pencil.

"Now what to you think you're doing?" she asks.

"What else," he answered. "I'm making potato leak soup."

-Greg Porter - Chicago


If a Jewish boy marries a Catholic girl, what music do they play at the wedding? Oy Vey Maria.

-To Elaine from Chuck Allan Jacksonville, Florida


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

- Happy Birthday to my parents Tom and Linda Sodden from Patrick


Our friend Rod Lowe attended a fun party this past weekend. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, he spotted an attractive woman standing alone across the room. When he approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen." Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, he responded with "That's beautiful. Is 'Carmen' a family name?" "No," she said. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world, cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golf-tits," Rod replied.

-Lauren Bigelow


Did you hear about the veterinarian who is also a taxidermist? The sign outside his office reads, "Either way, you get your dog back."

-Chuck Coffey


Why did Jesus go to Chinatown? Because he loved Miso.

-Hello to Coastal Texas, Savannah isn't supposed to be this cold. Phillip.


What do you call a fish without an eye? A Fsh.

-Christian B says hello to Jen and Pop, Garry, B3 and Mr. Lipowitz the special English Major in my life.


Marriage is like a three ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

-David and Kim Boyd are here from Chicago celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.


What did the bra say to the top hat. You go a head I'll give these two a lift.

-Luke says hello to dad and mom otherwise known as Pastor Kristy


Did you hear about the two peanuts on the subway? One of them was a-salted.

-Hey Pascal, Mom and Dad are having a great time.


Where do boats go when they're sick? The Dock.

-Stella


If H-2-O in on the inside of a fire hydrant... What is on the inside? K-9-P!

-From Dad and two boys who were going to camp out in northern MN tonight until we heard the joke show was on!


Three trombone players are in a car. Who's driving?

The police.

-From Andrew Unruh


"Henry", the old woman says, "Your fires don't burn as hot as they used to!"

"Martha", he says, "Your flue don't draw the way it used to!"

-For Carmen, the love of my life, early happy Valentines day, from Michael Daft.


What's brown and sits on a piano? Beethoven's last movement

-Helen Gallagher


What does Billy Graham and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?

They both can get 65,000 people on their knees screaming "Jesus Christ"

Michael Rosas-Walsh Anchorage Alaska


I'm nice to both of my wives. Isn't that bigamy?

-Greetings to my sister, Dr. Susan Olmstead, an English teacher at Johns Hopkins University, and to Sharon, my best friend in Camas, Washington. Rob Olmstead


How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a light bulb

Never enough, they -screw 'em in backwards.

-A Fred Garrett Original!


A man went to heaven and St. Peter was showing him around. The man saw a group of people milling around and asked who they were. St. Peter said, "Oh, those are the Unitarians - they are arguing about whether or not they are here!"

-Shirley in Atlanta


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Absent minded
Absent minded who?
I'm sorry, what?

-Levi Squier


How do you introduce a hamburger? Meet Patty.

-JJ Lender, I am a 16 year old girl that lives in Alaska.


Two flies fly into the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy? The one on the range.

-Greetings from Chilliwack, British Columbia, Canada - about an hour east of Vancouver. Pam Pederson


What is brown shriveled and carries a machine gun in its hand? Al caprune.

-William McCausland


If your not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate.


-Phil Nicholls. Hello to my wife Julia and Daughter Alicia. I couldn't do winter without you.


Joke: What is the main advantage to being a test tube baby?

You get a womb with a view.

- Greeting; we want Gus and Mitch back!


The snake pit in the Los Angeles zoo was accidentally filled in recently, now the snakes don't have a pit to hiss in.

-Mark Bradshaw says hello to Ed and Pammie Janssen in Bloomington Illinois.


At 50 below your spit freezes before it hits the ground, and at 65 below Jehovah's witnesses stick to your screen door.

-Message: Marnie says hi to everyone in Livingston, MT


Three men - quite drunk - stumbled out of a public house. They crawled across the street and on to the railroad tracks.

First drunk says: these stairs don't seem to end
Second drunk says: yeah, and the handrails a really low.
Third drunk says: not to worry, here comes the elevator...

-the Valcourts


Why do married women weigh more than single women?

Single women get home from work, take a look to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women get home from work, take a look to see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.

-Love you, Cal!! From Phyllis in Oberlin, Ohio


Bumper sticker seen on the tailgate of a rusted pick-up truck: If Dolly Parton was a farmer, she'd be flat busted, too.

-Becky Lloyd Sunman, IN Says hello and love to Jack--you light up my life.


A lady was caught knitting while driving. A cop pulled up beside her and hollered, "Pull over!" The lady yelled back, "No! Cardigan!"

-Tim Ephrata, PA




Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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