Bob script
Saturday, February 17, 2007


Tim Russell (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents...The Story of Bob, A Young Artist. (PLATES, SCRAPING OF SPOON. TR MUTTERING)

Sue Scott: Here. Have some more green bean casserole with melted mozzarella, Bob. There's plenty more. And cornbread. And then banana cream pie a la mode for dessert.

Garrison Keillor: I'm stuffed, Berniece. I couldn't possibly.

SS: You've got to eat when it's cold out, Bob.

GK: I'm trying to cut down on the cream-based foods for a while.

SS: But that's all we have, Bob. What will you eat?

TR (POPS): Hand me his green bean salad casserole. Rex and me'll finish it up, won't we, boy. (DOG COLLAR JINGLE, LEG THUMP, PANTING) Here you go, boy. (SNARFING)

GK: Oh for disgusting—

SS: I was going to save that for lunch tomorrow. I had the baggies all laid out.

TR (POPS): Too late, Berniece. (PANTING, SLURP) Rex sure loves his melted cheese.

GK: Would you mind—?

TR (POPS): There's an idea — Puppy Chow with Cheese.

GK: Can you please try to control him, Berniece? I'm expecting Mr. Fellows to come over. The music director at Third Lutheran.

SS: Oh? Where is Third Lutheran? I never heard of it.

GK: Well, it used to be called First Lutheran, but — you know — they're Lutherans. They were more comfortable with being Third.

SS: Oh. That sort of big boxy church that looks like a storage facility.

GK: That's it. Anyway, they've asked me to compose an anthem for Lent.

TR (POPS): Who lent you their clothes?

SS: Lent, Pops. Lent.

TR (POPS): That's what I said— whoever you lent you those pants did you no favors, that's for sure.

SS: Bob is composing an anthem for the Lutherans!

TR (POPS): What's wrong with the one we got? Huh?

SS: It's for Lent.

TR (POPS): (SINGING W. DOG HOWLING) "O say can you see—by the dogs curly tails—"

GK: Oh for pity sake— stop that —

SS: When is this Mr. Fellows coming over, Bob?

GK: Any minute, so if you wouldn't mind, Berniece — could you take the plastic cover off the sofa?

SS: Well, that's my best sofa, Bob—

GK: I know, it just looks so tacky—

SS: It looks beautiful. I've had that sofa for twenty years and it looks brand-new—!


GK: There he is—could you get Pops and Rex out of here? And the casserole. Please?

TR (POPS): Who are you to talk, Wide Ride? (DOG PANTING, COLLAR JINGLE, LEG THUMPING) Look— you upset Rex and he took a little tinkle on the carpet—

GK: Oh boy.

TR (POPS): Good thing he didn't poop. — Whoops. Spoke too soon. (DOORBELL)

SS: Now Pops, take Rex outside. Let me get some paper towels...(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

TR (POPS): How long have you been wearing those expandable trousers, Bob?

GK: Would you take the dog and remove yourself?

TR (POPS): You couldn't write an anthem — not one that anybody's care to sing. That's for sure.

SS: Pops, Bob is an artist. Let's have a little respect. (DOORBELL, MORE URGENT)

TR (POPS): Artist, my aunt Fanny.

GK: I have a guest at the door— could you please all just go someplace else? Please?

SS: Hush, Pops. Let me finish picking up this dog doo.

GK: Berniece! Please—

TR (POPS): Think you're too good for us, do you? Well, I'll show you a thing or two.

GK: Get the dog out of here. (WOOFING). Beat it, Rex. (GROWLING, SNAPPING) (DOORBELL) Why can't I have guests over with a little privacy, for crying out loud?

SS: I'll go open the door— (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

GK: Berniece! No! (DOOR OPEN)

TR: Where you going?

SS: Hello— you must be Mr. Jell-O.

Vern Sutton: Hello. Actually the name is Fellows.

SS: Oh. Well, silly me. Come in. This is Pops, and Rex (WOOF). So nice to meet you. You must be Lutheran.

VS: Well—

SS: I could tell by your cardigan sweater. I'm Berniece. Would you care for some green bean casserole, Mr. Fellows? It's got melted mozzarella on it.

VS: No, thanks.

SS: How about a banana cream pie a la mode?

VS: Well—

SS: Here. Let me cut you a piece. (BIG SPLORTS)

VS: Is Bob home by any chance? I dropped by to talk to him about—

GK: I'm here, crouched under the dining room table, Mr. Fellows.

VS: Oh. — Hi.

GK: I like to sit down here and think once in awhile.

VS: Oh. Okay.

GK: My studio is this way—

SS: Two scoops of ice cream or three, Mr. Bellow?

VS: What kind is that?

SS: It's Rocky Road.

VS: Maybe one small scoop.

SS: Okay— (SPLORT) There you go. Bone appetite!

GK: This way— (FOOTSTEPS) Don't disturb us, Berniece. Thank you. (DOOR CLOSE) There. Sorry about the chaos out there. A couple of relatives. They dropped in unexpectedly and I don't know when they're planning to leave. Here— have a seat.

VS: Thanks— Bob, I was trying to call you—

GK: This is where I do all of my composing. Other people do it on computers. I don't. I just feel that you lose that tactile connection with the music that you get with a pencil on paper, you know?

VS: Right — Bob, it's about the—

GK: I finished the first draft this morning—and I know you need it for choir practice Wednesday night— but I work very fast when I get close to deadline. I'm like a whirling dervish.

VS: Bob— I wanted to explain that—

GK: Just sit down at the piano and have a look and tell me what you think.


It is Lent
According to the New Testament,
An event that is meant
As a time to repent.
Repent! Repent!
And lament
Man's descent.
And as a time to sacrifice,
Like instead of sirloin steak you could eat brown rice.
To embrace poverty in a land of plenty—
Like instead of a venti
You could have a grande latte, and instead of whole
milk, you could ask for two percent.

GK: There's more on page two.

VS: I see that.

GK: Is it okay?

VS: It's fine, Bob. It's just that— we won't be singing it this week.

GK: No?

VS: No, I've quit as music director of Third Lutheran, Bob, and I've gone over to United Unitarian.

GK: Oh.

VS: I lost my faith. Last week. I read that book — "The Luther File"?

GK: The new Dan Brown book?

VS: Right.

GK: But it's a novel.

VS: I don't know. He did a lot of research for it. And it shows that the chorales of Johann Sebastian Bach are actually a code version of an old Masonic document that tells the location of the Holy Casserole Dish from the Last Supper — and it has a piece of masking tape with Mary Magdalene's initials on it — M.M.C. —

GK: M.M.C.?

VS: She took his last name when she married him. Mary M. Christ.

GK: So you left the Lutherans on account of that?

VS: And the Unitarians offered me more money. Because I can play show tunes as well as hymns.

GK: Who's taking over at Third Lutheran?

VS: Janis Rice.

GK: Oh.

VS: Pretty traditional. She's from St. Olaf, you know.

GK: So she won't be using my anthem—

VS: I told her you were writing one and she took two fingers and stuck them down her throat.

GK: I see.

VS: I don't think she meant it in a cruel way —

GK: No, I'm sure not. Do the Unitarians need a Lenten anthem?

VS: Unitarians don't do Lent, Bob.

GK: Oh.

VS: They figured since they don't do Easter, they shouldn't do Lent. They do spring equinox instead.

GK: Oh. I could write an anthem for that—

VS: Already got one. (HE SINGS) "Spring and the world is new/It's springtime for U and U./ Tree and flower, fruit and lentil/ Springtime breezes, soft and gentle/Let us all be transcendental/And give praise to you know who."

GK: So I won't get paid for this probably—

VS: I don't think so.

GK: That's too bad. Not that I need the money. I was looking forward to hearing it, that's all. Oh well.

VS: Here—

GK: What? No, I don't want your money.

VS: It's just twenty bucks.

GK: No, you shouldn't do that. Put that away.

VS: Please. Take it. I feel bad.

GK: No, I can't take that—

VS: Okay. How about ten dollars?

GK: Well, if you insist.

VS: Here.

GK: Okay. Thanks. You want a copy of the —

VS: No, you keep it. Well— see you around.

GK: Yeah. See you. (THEME)

TR (ANNC): The story of Bob, a young... was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.(MUSIC UP AND OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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