The Story of Bob script
Saturday, March 24, 2007
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(THEME)

Tim Russell (ANNC): And now--Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products, brings you: The Story of Bob, a Young Artist.

(CLATTER OF DISHES, DOG, POPS IN BACKGROUND)

Sue Scott: Have some more egg salad, Bob. I've got whole other big tub of it in the fridge, so go ahead and take that last scoop. And don't be shy about the chow mein either. We've got lots. You know me.

Garrison Keillor: No thanks, Berniece. I've had enough.

SS: You've hardly eaten anything, Bob. And today's the day you're going away to that artist's colony, isn't it?

GK: That's right.

Tim Russell (POPS): Who's getting a colonoscopy?

SS: I said colony, Pops. Not colonoscopy.

TR (POPS): They're no big deal, you know. I've had five. Put you on your side and give you a tranquilizer and you lie there looking at the TV screen — (DOG SNIFFING, PANTING)

GK: Do you mind? We're eating—

TR (POPS): And it looks like the Tunnel of Love.

GK: Oh, for heaven's sake. (WOOF, PANTING)

TR (POPS): Just telling you what it looks like—

GK: Where is that taxi anyway? Could you watch from the kitchen, Berniece? Maybe he pulled into the driveway—

SS: Well how long are you going to be at this writer's retreat, Bob?

GK: I'm gone for four weeks.

SS: Four weeks! That's nice.

GK: They only give out six of these fellowships a year so it's quite a feather in my cap. A lot of big writers'll be there. Jim Harrison. Richard Ford. Peter Matthiesen. Big names. And me.

TR (POPS): Boy, they must be running short on writers if they picked you—

SS: Now, Pops. —Well, that's wonderful. So you think you can finish up that novel? You've been working on that for 12 years.

GK: Well, it's a novel about a man caught in a blizzard and we haven't had many blizzards lately.

TR (POPS): It's called Buried in a Blizzard.

GK: How did you know that?

TR (POPS): I know a thing or two.

GK: Did you go into my studio and read that?

SS: Pops—

TR (POPS): It's about a guy in a cabin in a blizzard and all of a sudden this woman walks in. "Her black eyes flashed as she unwrapped the plaid scarf from around her neck which was long, like a dancer's."

GK: I have told you a hundred times to stay out of my stuff! Berniece?

TR (POPS): What a piece of crap.

GK: Berniece, would you lend a hand here?

SS: Sounds interesting to me. What happens then?

TR (POPS): Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

SS: Nothing? What do you mean nothing, Pops? Sounds like something's happening to me.

TR (POPS): They stand there staring at each other. Big whoop. Do something.

GK: I'm not done with it.

TR (POPS): What you need is a dog. Bring a dog into it. (DOG WHINES) A rescue dog. Like Rex.

GK: Rex is hardly a rescue dog.

TR (POPS): Sure he is. He rescued all those wieners from getting thrown away last night. Didn't you boy? (BARKING, PANTING) They almost went in the garbage disposal and he jumped up and saved them from the maw of death.

GK: A dog who rescues wieners. Good.

TR (POPS): Well it's more exciting than what you've got now. He could bring in some wieners and help old Wide Ride find his way to safety. (PANTING, TAG JINGLES)

SS: Oh, come on now, Pops. Bob is going away for four weeks. Let's try to be nice, okay?

GK: Thank you, Berniece.

SS: Where are you going, Bob?

GK: Just going to use the toilet. (FOOTSTEPS) Watch for my cab, wouldja? (DOOR CLOSE) (PAUSE) Am I fat? I don't feel fat. Wide Ride— (BLIZZARD) He was down to his last energy bar and the storm showed no signs of abatement. He had come to the remote mountain cabin to be alone, to reflect, to confront the empty chasm in his heart, and now — the thought that he might die here struck him as such a piece of irony, he laughed, despite himself. HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA. (HEAVY THUMPS ON DOOR) Was that a knock he heard? Or the lunatic fantasies of a man near death? Suddenly (DOOR OPEN, BLAST OF BLIZZARD, DOOR CLOSE) a woman in a fashionable black coat and black stockings fell through the door and into his arms. (GK: OOOOMMPH)

SS (WOMAN): O thank God I found you. I was almost about to lie down in the snow and then I saw your cabin. — My hands are frozen. Help me off with my clothing.

GK: Do you think that's wise, given that you're so cold and there's no fire in the cabin?

SS (WOMAN): I need you to warm me with your body.

GK: You want a big hug?

GK: —Her black eyes flashed as she unwrapped the plaid scarf from around her neck which was long, like a dancer's. She tossed him the scarf as she began to unbutton her long black coat— (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Suddenly he heard — wait a minute—

SS (BERNIECE, OUTSIDE): Bob??? There's a phone call for you. From a Mr. DeNiro or somebody.

GK: DeNiro???? (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS) Okay— where is it? Where's the phone?

SS (BERNIECE): Right here.

GK: DeNiro. Oh my gosh—

SS (BERNIECE): You don't suppose it could be—

GK: Hello? Mr. DeNiro?

TR (ON PHONE, RICH MAN): Bob? This is Craig Demerol from the Fenimore Cooper Artists Colony? Listen— I am so sorry but there's been a terrible mistake — some intern in our office was going through the applications and as a joke he pulled yours and put it on the finalists pile and somehow, I don't know how, it got picked by the committee by mistake — we're dreadfully embarrassed — I think they got you mixed up with someone else — so — it looks like we're not going to be able to welcome you to Fenimore Cooper today — I hope you understand — I'm terribly sorry—

GK: Sure. That's fine. No problem.

TR (ON PHONE): But try us again in the future. Won't you?

GK: Yes, of course.

TR (ON PHONE): Bye. (CLICK)

SS: Who was it, Bob?

GK: It was a wrong number.

SS: A wrong number?

GK: That's what I said.

SS: Kind of long and involved for a wrong number, wasn't it-

GK: I don't think the man had all his marbles. He sounded demented.

TR (POPS): He meant what?

SS: Where you going, Bob?

GK: I changed my mind about the artists' colony, Berniece. I'm going to stay and finish my novel here.

SS: But this is such a big honor for you!!!

GK: It's a pig in a poke, Berniece— I go up there with all those famous novelists and they're hob-nobbing around and drinking — there's a lot of drinking that goes on — and before you know it, I'm waking up bleary-eyed in the morning, and I go to my studio and I've got writers coming in asking me questions and asking me to read their stuff — I don't need it, Berniece. I just plain don't need the aggravation. A writer has to stand on his own and that's what I intend to do. I'm going in my studio. If the guy from the colony calls, tell him No way, I'm not changing my mind. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. BLIZZARD.) The wind howled around the cabin and tore at it like an enormous amorphous animal with sharp claws……enormous amorphous……tore at it like an immense amorphous animal with……..tore at it like a very very big amorphous animal…….tore at it like an enormous animal with sharp but amorphous claws…….It was very windy outdoors but inside the cabin, lying on the bearskin rug, he felt warm and needed.

SS: You give off so much heat….

GK: She said, bringing a bright flush to his face.

SS: It's hard to believe that one person can give off so much heat. You are like a furnace or something.

GK: So I've warmed you up then.

SS: Oh, I'm warm. Thanks to you, I'm very, very warm-there's another word for that—

GK: Suddenly he knew why he had come to the mountain top. It was manifestly clear in his mind.

SS: You know something? You are hot.

GK: Suddenly he knew why he had come to the mountain top. It had been amorphous before but now it was clear.

SS: You know something? You are hot. Steaming hot.

GK: Suddenly what had been enormously amorphous and unclear was now right there in his arms where he lay on the mountain top to which he had come. ……Suddenly, on the mountain top…….With great suddenness, like a shape emerging from an amorphous fog, the purpose of his expedition became clear. She was there. In his arms.

SS: You are the hottest one I ever knew. I want to lie here forever. I want to be with you. I want to be part of you. At one with you. I want to morph into you. (THEME) I hope this never ends. I hope this goes on and on. Forever. (SHE FADES UNDER)

TR: Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products has brought you The Story of Bob: A Young Artist. (THEME UP AND OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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