President script
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: ..after this message from the Federated Organization of Associations.

If you're interested in running for president, now is the time to step up and say so —

Fred Newman (BARRY, SINGING): Start spreadin' the news-I'm running today-I want to be a part of it—Washington, D.C.

('FOR THE LOVE OF MONEY' UNDER)

Tim Russell (TRUMP): Every day dozens of people walk up to me, people of all walks of life, and they say, "Mr. Trump," they say, "if you ran for president we'd be the happiest people in the world." I'm thinking about it. I know this much. If I decided to go for it, I'd win it, and I'd win it big. Hands down. Landslide. Mudslide. I'd win in a giant crushing avalanche of votes. Huge. I don't know that I'm gonna run, but if I do, I would absolutely 100% win.

GK: Two New Yorkers are already in the race and why shouldn't you join them? You're eligible.

TR (CLINTON): Actually I'm not. I would if I could but I can't so I won't.

GK: But most of you are. If you're over 35 and born in the U.S.A. —

TR (ARNOLD): We got to change that part — we're working on that right now because it is not fair—what about me?

GK: If you're over 35 and a citizen, you're eligible, so why not form an exploratory committee?

(CLARINET WARBLES)

TR (WOODY ALLEN): Why not? I'll tell you why not. The hours, for one thing. Terrible. I need my sleep, or I fall apart. I'm not kidding. I'd be hallucinating in the war room, ordering an attack on Canada, and then what if they won? How can you fight Canadians? I mean — I'd just give up. Go ahead, take Mount Rushmore. It's tacky anyway. And while you're at it, take one of the Great Lakes. We've got five, more than enough. And New Yorkers would hate me! Have you ever tried to get uptown on the East side when the president is giving a speech at the UN? Now there's a disaster.

GK: Think about it. Form an exploratory committee and think about running for president.

Sue Scott (MIDWESTERN): I used to think you had to be, like, a giant to run for president and be some sort of superman, and then gradually over the past six years I've sorta thought to myself, I could do this. I mean, I've taken fifty third-graders on field trips, and I've made Thanksgiving dinner for 24-it's just time management, right? And so I'm starting a Karen Olson for President Exploratory Committee. I don't know if I'm going to run or not but it's nice to think about.

TR (BUSH): This is George W. Bush. Democracy means people taking apart public affairs. I mean taking a part in public affairs. I ran for president so that I could learn more about the peoples of faraway lands. And I have. I've traveled far and wide, to places such as England, France, Switzerland, and England. I've learned about things I never knew about, such as the environment and the Constitution — being president has expanded my horizon to much farther away than it ever used to be, and it can for you too. So why not form an exploratory committee. I did. And look what happened.

GK: A message from The Committee for Exploratory Committees, part of the Federated Association of Organizations.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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