All Right script
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Listen

Look for the silver lining
Whene'er a cloud appears in the blue
Remember somewhere the sun is shining
And so the best thing to do is make it shine for you—



Garrison Keillor: I don't have a lot of tolerance for whiny, self centered people so I try not to complain myself — the other morning on the way to work (MUGGING, VOICES, PUNCHES) I was assaulted by three men in black masks and (CAR PULLS AWAY) taken to a warehouse and (DOG BARKS) put in a cell where I managed to pry off a vent cover and squeeze (SQUEEZING) into a heating duct and into a basement full of snakes (SNAKES) and I climbed out a window (GLASS BREAKAGE) and ran across a parking lot (RUNNING, SHOUTS) and over a barbed wire fence (CLIMBING FAST, JUMP) and across a bridge (RUNNING) and I managed to leap on top of the F Train (TRAIN) and rode it, clinging to the roof (TRAIN IN TUNNEL) into midtown and got off and went to the office and (CHEERY VOICES IN PASSING) when people said:

Sue Scott: How are you this morning?

GK: Never better Miss Penobscot.

SS: Your suit is all ripped and dirty and your shirt is torn —

GK: I did some yard work on my way in. How are you?

SS: Oh, okay I guess. I don't know. This boyfriend - he just makes me so mad - I shouldn't talk about it - but he is so clueless. He says he is going to call and he doesn't. So, I am sitting there, waiting. I mean if you don't want to go to a movie, fine, just say so. But he gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of keeping me waiting around — anyway — O my gosh! You're bleeding. And you're lying unconscious on the floor with your eyes staring glassily at the ceiling. Are you all right? (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: I am all right. I come from all right people. When dad lost his right hand in the corn picker, he just picked it up and came back to the house —

Tim Russell: Get me some ice, Mavis.

SS: What for?

TR: Put this hand on.

SS: Oh. Okay. Better get you a bucket of ice. Need a bandage for the stump?

TR: Sure. Dishtowels should be fine.

SS: Maybe the doc can sew it back on.

TR: That's what I am hoping.

SS: You need me to drive you into town?

TR: Naw. I can manage. I'll take your car. It's got automatic transmission.

SS: Sure. Care for a sandwich?

TR: Don't see how I'm going to manage a sandwich, Mavis.

SS: Steer with your knees.

TR: Okay.

SS: Turkey or ham?

TR: Ham.

SS: Want cheese with that?

TR: Sure. (BRIDGE)

GK: These were my people. The more urgent the situation, the more dire the emergency, the calmer they got. And that's my philosophy. I had open heart surgery, which I always said was done at the Mayo Clinic, but actually it was done during Cinco de Mayo by a cabdriver in New York (ARABIC). He'd been a doctor in Baghdad, but a pathologist, so the work was a little rough (ARABIC, STRAINING, CRACKING OF BONE) but he fixed the problem, so what the heck — I'm all right.

SS: You all right? You look pale.

GK: I'm fine.

SS: You were gone for three hours. What took you so long?

GK: I had open heart surgery.

SS: Oh. Okay.

GK: You okay?

SS: Oh, I don't know.

GK: What's wrong?

SS: Oh, it's this landlord of mine - I keep calling and calling - the shower is dripping and he keeps saying he's going to do something and he never does - I just don't understand how people can promise things they have no intention of ever delivering in - you know what I mean? I mean, if you can't do it, then tell me and I'll find someone else.

GK: Is this landlord also your boyfriend?

SS: Yes! How did you know? (BRIDGE)

GK: Life is full of hazards. At any moment, a car could careen out of control (SKIDDING) and you'd swerve to avoid it (SCREECH) and go off the west side highway (CAR IN FLIGHT) and into a garbage dumpster (CRASH OF RUBBISH) that turns out to be a load of illegal prescription drugs from Canada (SHOUTS) and the Canadians come after you with a chainsaw (SHOUTS, CRAINSAWS WAVING) and you dive into the Hudson (DIVE, SWIMMING, PANTING) and you head for the Statue of Liberty and they try to run you down (SHOUTS, BOAT CLOSING) and you dive down deep (UNDERWATER, BOAT PASSING OVER) into the muck of New York Harbor and reach Liberty Island (RUNNING) and you dash into the base of the Statue and up the steps (FAST RUNNING, PANTING) all the way up her arm to the torch where (PANTING) you signal the Staten Island Ferry (BOAT HORN) who sends in a Coast Guard Chopper (CHOPPER) who drops you on the roof of your office and your walk in ten minutes late—

SS: You're all wet. What happened?

GK: Truck splashed me. I'm all right. How are you?

SS: Don't ask. Just don't ask? Okay?

GK: Okay. (BRIDGE) Life is full of crises. That's how I got into radio. I was hired as the stage manager of this show, they guy who stands in the wings and manages everything and it was the first broadcast and I was (FOOTSTEPS) going around to the dressing rooms - (SERIES OF KNOCKS, OK, RESPONSE, FOOTSTEPS) - and finally I knocked on the star's dressing room door (KNOCKS). Sir? Ten minutes. Sir? (KNOCKS, DOOR OPEN) Ten minutes, sir.

TR (JOHN WAYNE): I decided I ain't going to do the show, son.

GK: But it starts in ten minutes, sir.
TR (JOHN): It ain't gonna start with me. That's for sure. It's gonna start with you, son.

GK: Me? I have no desire to do anything of the sort —

TR (JOHN): I got no interest in it either, but this six-gun in my hand says you're gonna host this show.

GK: I'm a stage manager. I can't talk. I can't sing. I can't dance.

TR: I think you can dance. (GUNSHOTS, DANCING) (BRIDGE)

GK: And that's how life goes. People come to the show, they see the panic in my eyes, the beads of sweat on my brow, they wonder: "is he okay?" I'm all right. It's not easy. I work with dangerous animals (TIGER) and when I do my sharpshooter tricks, it's nerve-wracking—

TR (OFF): As Gloria places the lighted cigarette in her left nostril, the amazing Keillorini will now aim the warped rifle barrel over his left shoulder, using the cracked mirror in his left hand to aim it— (DRUMROLL, GUNSHOT) — He did it! Are you okay, Gloria?

Fred Newman (SOUTHERN): I am just fine, Mister Man—

GK: And then they wrap me in chains (SFX) and put the handcuffs on my wrists and ankles (SFX) and they lift me up to throw me into a tank with four killer sharks, and believe me, It wasn't what I thought I'd be doing, but here I am. And I'm okay—

A heart filled with joy and gladness
Can always banish sadness and strife,
So always look for the silver lining
And try to find the sunny side of life.

(FALLING, SPLASH, FROTHY WATER. BAND PLAYOFF)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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