Crispy script
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Listen

Tim Russell (ANNC): And now, the Adventures of Crispy the Rescue Dog. (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cerealů..with a valuable prize in every single box. And now, Crispy the Rescue Dog (MUSIC UP AND FADE FORů..)

Garrison Keillor: (ECHOES) Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me? (GROANING) I'm down here in the mineshaft. Crispy? I'm pinned under a beam that fell on my leg and something's crawling on my face--

Sue Scott: Hello? Is someone down there? Hello?

GK: (ECHOES) Yes! I'm down here--

SS: What are you doing down there?

GK: (ECHOES) I was looking for mushrooms. Now I'm pinned underneath a log and a scorpion or something is on my leg (SCORPION CHITTERING)— can you lower a rope or something?

SS: How far down are you?

GK: (ECHOES) I don't know, can you just lower the rope? Call Crispy or something? I've been here before-Crispy knows what to do.

SS: You've been here before? Trapped at the bottom of a mineshaft?

GK: (ECHOES) It's a long story-we don't have time for it now.

SS: Well how did that happen?

GK (ECHOES): Could you just go and get some help please?

SS: I mean, what's going on?

GK (ECHOES): Crispy! Crispy! Where are you Crispy? Oh, help.

SS: Crispy couldn't come. He sent me in his place.

GK: (ECHOES) What is Crispy doing?

SS: He's making a personal appearance. He's promoting his cookbook—

GK: (ECHOES) A cookbook?

SS: A Rescue Cookbook. Emergency Dishes. Inflatable cantaloupe. Chunks of Spam on a long string. That sort of thing.

GK (ECHOES): Oh. — I'm sort of in a lot of pain here—

SS: How much do you weigh? Maybe I can pull you up myself.

GK: (ECHOES) Not that much. Crispy never had a hard time pulling me up when I've fallen down here before. We go way back, he and I-he knows how to do this—

SS: I can handle this, I just need to know how much you weigh.

GK: (ECHOES) About two-hundred.

SS: So you're a grown-up person. And you fell into a big hole in the ground? You didn't see the big signs that said "Danger, Open Mineshaft?"

GK: (ECHOES) The hole was covered with branches. It was camouflaged--(SQUEAKING). Oh no. Rats—

SS: And you walked right into this pile of branches —

GK: (ECHOES) There was a ruby sitting there, right in the middle of it-I was going to get it for my wife Janice—

SS: A ruby? Sitting in a pile of sticks in the middle of the woods? That didn't strike you as odd?

GK: (ECHOES) Not until I fell through, no.

SS: And let me guess, it wasn't really a ruby.

GK: (ECHOES) It was a chokecherry, ok? It was very rubylike in appearance.

SS: Where is it now?

GK: (ECHOES) Is there someone else up there with you? Maybe someone with a rope and a pulley?

SS: Did you eat the chokecherry?

GK: (ECHOES) Oh please.

SS: Was it one, or was it a cluster?

GK: (ECHOES) One-do you have a point?

SS: Good. And was it dark red in color?

GK: It was.

SS: Were the leaves shiny, or did they have fuzz on the underside?

GK: (ECHOES) Is it important?

SS: Did you eat the chokecherry or not?

GK: (ECHOES) No, I didn't eat it. I still have it. It's right here in the palm of my hand.

SS: It might be a magical berry. It might give you superhuman powers. Either that or it will poison you and you'll die down there and I won't have to haul you up. I'll just toss some dirt on you and write your name on a stone with a crayon.

GK: (ECHOES) Great. Just great.

SS: So why don't you give it a try?

GK: (ECHOES) Could you just show a little mercy up there. I mean, we've all made mistakes. We've all fallen short in the eyes of God.

SS: Oh great, here comes the guilt trip.

GK: (ECHOES) You know what? Forget it. I'll just lie down here and die.

SS: Okay, I'll get the rope.

GK: (ECHOES) No, really. Never mind.

SS: I'm working on it, ok?

GK: (ECHOES) No no, don't go out of your way for me. I'm just a guy at the bottom of a mineshaft. I'll just lie down and wait for somebody else to come along.

SS: There is nobody else, ok?

GK: (ECHOES) I went for the ruby. And it turned out to be a chokecherry. Story of my life.

SS: I'm working on this rope, sir, it's going to be ok. I can't see you down there—? Are you still there?

(SS LOSES BALANCE, FALLS INTO WELL, SCREAMING, THUMP)

GK: (ECHOES) Oh. Hello.

SS: (ECHOES) Oh no. I'm down here —with you! (RATS, SCORPIONS). And a lot of rats and scorpions.

GK: (ECHOES): Welcome to the mineshaft.

SS: (ECHOES) Oh my God - I can't believe this.

GK: (ECHOES) How did you get down here? Maybe we should talk about that.

SS: (ECHOES) Just be quiet, ok? Help! Help!

GK: (ECHOES) Just relax. Sit down. Let's talk. We could be down here a long time. I won't hurt you. Really.

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): The makers of Tasty Morsels breakfast cereal, the cereal with a prize in every box, has brought you another episode of Crispy the Rescue Dog. (ARF ARF). Will Crispy remember to come back to the mineshaft? Or will the man and the woman make a life for themselves there in the dark with scorpions and rats? Find out next time, on the next episode of Crispy the Rescue Dog. (ARF ARF) (THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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