Rhubarb script
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: April 15th is not far away, so you take your shoebox full of receipts in to your accountant and he gives you the bad news— (TYPING)

Fred Newman: Mmm hmmm, mmmm hmmm-well, I'm showing a balance here of 12 thousand dollars.

Tim Russell: WHAT???

FN: Right there. Twelve grand.

TR: (GASP) That's impossible. I don't earn that much.

FN (NERDY): Sorry, man. Them's the breaks. (STING)

GK: So you do what anybody would do in this situation-you rob a bank. (GUNSHOT, CHAOS, ALARM). But you're not experienced as a bank robber, so you kind of botch it (RUNNING, HEAVY BREATHING, GUNSHOTS). You forget that your getaway driver doesn't know how to drive a stick- —

(CAR DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

Sue Scott: Did you get it?

TR: Go go go go go go go go go go!

(GRINDING GEARS)

SS: How do I do this?

TR: Go go go go go go go.

SS: I'm trying, I'm trying! (GRIND, CAR STALLS) Oh, God.

(CAR STARTS)

TR: Put the clutch all the way to the floor. Do it!!!

SS: I'm doing it!! You don't have to yell!

TR: Yes I do-we need to get out of here-

SS: Don't pressure me-I'm doing the best I can!!

TR: Ok, now ease it off. Slowly. Hurry up. Please.

SS: Slowly hurry up???? What is that supposed to mean!?!??!

TR: You got it this time. Just slow and steady.

SS: (HYPERVENTILATES) Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. I can do this. (SHIFTING) And ease up on the pedal (CAR THRUMS)

TR: You got it! Now gun it!

(SCREECH, CRASH)

SS: Oh my gosh. I was in reverse.

TR: Reverse. Of course. Perfect.

FN (COP, ON MEGAPHONE): Police. Step out of the car with your hands up!

GK: And so you get out of the car, and you're arrested and you go to the slammer (SLAM). You're thrown into a cell with a sociopath named Curly. (FN DEEP GUTTURAL VOICE) And she goes off somewhere and the next day she comes to visit.

SS: How are you doing?

TR: Guess. Terrible.

SS: The detective who interviewed me was very nice.

TR: How nice?

SS: He said that if I told him everything, they'll drop the charges against me.

TR: What did you tell him?

SS: He told me not to tell you.

TR: How could you do this to me?

SS: Do what? Tell him you told me to drive a car that I didn't even know had standard transmission? And I had no idea you were robbing a bank. I thought you just needed to use the ATM machine.

TR: They're going to send me up for ten years.

SS: Probably only three or four, with time off for good behavior.

TR: I just don't understand how this all happened—

SS: Oh, by the way. Your accountant called. He was wrong about the tax return. You don't owe money, you've got a big refund coming. (TR CRY) (THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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