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Rhubarb script
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Listen
Garrison Keillor: April 15th is not far away, so you take your shoebox full of receipts in to your accountant and he gives you the bad news— (TYPING)
Fred Newman: Mmm hmmm, mmmm hmmm-well, I'm showing a balance here of 12 thousand dollars.
Tim Russell: WHAT???
FN: Right there. Twelve grand.
TR: (GASP) That's impossible. I don't earn that much.
FN (NERDY): Sorry, man. Them's the breaks. (STING)
GK: So you do what anybody would do in this situation-you rob a bank. (GUNSHOT, CHAOS, ALARM). But you're not experienced as a bank robber, so you kind of botch it (RUNNING, HEAVY BREATHING, GUNSHOTS). You forget that your getaway driver doesn't know how to drive a stick- —
(CAR DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
Sue Scott: Did you get it?
TR: Go go go go go go go go go go!
(GRINDING GEARS)
SS: How do I do this?
TR: Go go go go go go go.
SS: I'm trying, I'm trying! (GRIND, CAR STALLS) Oh, God.
(CAR STARTS)
TR: Put the clutch all the way to the floor. Do it!!!
SS: I'm doing it!! You don't have to yell!
TR: Yes I do-we need to get out of here-
SS: Don't pressure me-I'm doing the best I can!!
TR: Ok, now ease it off. Slowly. Hurry up. Please.
SS: Slowly hurry up???? What is that supposed to mean!?!??!
TR: You got it this time. Just slow and steady.
SS: (HYPERVENTILATES) Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. I can do this. (SHIFTING) And ease up on the pedal (CAR THRUMS)
TR: You got it! Now gun it!
(SCREECH, CRASH)
SS: Oh my gosh. I was in reverse.
TR: Reverse. Of course. Perfect.
FN (COP, ON MEGAPHONE): Police. Step out of the car with your hands up!
GK: And so you get out of the car, and you're arrested and you go to the slammer (SLAM). You're thrown into a cell with a sociopath named Curly. (FN DEEP GUTTURAL VOICE) And she goes off somewhere and the next day she comes to visit.
SS: How are you doing?
TR: Guess. Terrible.
SS: The detective who interviewed me was very nice.
TR: How nice?
SS: He said that if I told him everything, they'll drop the charges against me.
TR: What did you tell him?
SS: He told me not to tell you.
TR: How could you do this to me?
SS: Do what? Tell him you told me to drive a car that I didn't even know had standard transmission? And I had no idea you were robbing a bank. I thought you just needed to use the ATM machine.
TR: They're going to send me up for ten years.
SS: Probably only three or four, with time off for good behavior.
TR: I just don't understand how this all happened—
SS: Oh, by the way. Your accountant called. He was wrong about the tax return. You don't owe money, you've got a big refund coming. (TR CRY) (THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
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