A Prairie Home Companion: April 21, 2007

ELCA script
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: You went to an expensive school and got a BA, but now you find yourself working in a novelty shop at the mall, selling plastic eyeball keychains and humorous t-shirts — why? Because you followed your heart and majored in theater.

Tim Russell: (STONER) Yeah, but theater is what I want to do...

GK: And one day you oversleep and you're fired.

TR (STONER): What do you mean, fired?

GK: So you have to move back in with your parents.

Sue Scott (MIDWESTERN): In return for board and room, you'll be cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, and doing our laundry.

GK: (LAWNMOWER STARTS) You're back where you were when you were thirteen, mowing your parents' lawn. And all because of a lack of job counseling at your expensive college. You were encouraged to think you were a genius who needed an outlet for self-expression. And that was wrong. You need to talk to Evelyn Lundberg. At the Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency you get straight advice. No beating around the bushes.

SS (EVELYN): Theater! I'll show you theater! You're headed for a career in day care.

TR (STONER): Day care!!! But I don't like kids.

SS (EVELYN): That's a good start. We can build on that. Ever change a diaper? You'll learn. Know the words to the Hokey Pokey? You'll learn. And look at me when I talk to you. Hear me? Nod your head if you understand.

GK: The Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency. She doesn't explore feelings or talk about your issues, she tells you what to do.

SS (EVELYN): Just shape up. Get over yourself. Get a grip.

GK: Better to hear it from Evelyn than from a judge in a courtroom. The ELCA.