Hospital script
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: We are down south in Columbus, Georgia, and like a lot of northerners we don't want to ever leave. We might enlist in the Army. I would like to come in as a colonel, if possible. I've met colonels and I believe I could be comfortable there. It's full-blown spring here, flowers are blooming and the people are unbearably sweet.

Fred Newman (WOMAN): Well hello there precious. My but you sure are lookin' perky today. I just love it when you drop by. You work too hard, you know that? How about I get you a plate of biscuits and some honey, honey? You just sit right down there, I'll take care of you real nice. Love that shirt, by the way...

GK: This doesn't happen in the north. Up there you can live next door to somebody for 20 years and never know their last name.

Tim Russell (MIDWESTERN): Well, we're moving out.

Sue Scott (MIDWESTERN): I noticed the truck.

TR (MIDWESTERN): Yep. Moving out.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Where you moving to?

TR (MIDWESTERN): The hospice.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Oh. What about your wife?

TR (MIDWESTERN): She died two years ago. SS (MIDWESTERN): Oh. I noticed she wasn't around.

TR (MIDWESTERN): Yeah, that was why.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Well, it was nice knowing you.

TR (MIDWESTERN): Yep. Bye then.

GK: This happens a lot up north. Northern hospitality is not a phrase that leaps to your lips. We do not extend ourselves to other people.

(FUNEREAL ORGAN)

SS (MIDWESTERN): How'd he die then?

TR (MIDWESTERN): Froze to death. Dropped his keys in the snow and so he was locked out.

SS (MIDWESTERN): He couldn't go next door? Knock on the door?

TR (MIDWESTERN): He was ashamed. Couldn't face up to his mistake.

SS (MIDWESTERN): And I suppose it was late.

TR (MIDWESTERN): Ten-thirty. Everybody was in bed.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Well, there you are.

TR (MIDWESTERN): Yep. And now he's dead. And they never did find the keys.

SS (MIDWESTERN): Well there's a lesson here. And that's what counts.

GK: So, we'd a lot rather come down South.

FN (WOMAN): Well, you just come on in my kitchen anytime, precious, any hour of day or night. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge. You need to talk about somethin' I'm right here. I'll make you a nice peach pie and it'd be my pleasure. You're a peach, that's what you are, you're a peach, and anytime I see you coming, I just feel happy inside.

GK: The drawback of coming south of course, is the snakes. They come up quietly and they can smell fear and they are attracted to it - perspiration (HEARTBEAT) pounding heart — cottonmouths close in (SNAKE BREATH), moving slowly through dark, cool places, basements, theaters — (SNAKE RATTLE) — that's what makes people opt for the North.

TR: Yeah. It's nice down there.

SS: That's what I hear.

TR: They get flowers blooming in February.

SS: Is that right?

TR: Nice place if it weren't for the snakes.

SS: Yeah.

TR: Go out in February, pick a flower, snake bites you, your're dead.

SS: That's no way to live.

GK: Other than that, the South is the place to go.

FN (WOMAN): Well come on in, honey. Don't mind those snakes, they won't bite. Come, sit down, can I get you some sweet tea? Those are cottonmouths, but they won't hurt you when they're sleeping like that. Let me get you a slice of peach pie. I just made it fresh this morning. How about you lie down on the porch and take a nap? I'll just shoo them snakes off the couch.

GK: That's Georgia. Come on down and check it out.

ROBIN AND LINDA WILLIAMS:
When it's peach blossom time in Georgia,
And azaleas as far as you can see
And dogwood is blooming in the mountains, and there's flowers on the pecan tree
You can hear those Georgia voices, saying, Come and sweeten up to me—
When it's peach blossom time in Georgia, there is no better place to be.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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