A Prairie Home Companion: May 26, 2007

Al Gore script
Saturday, May 26, 2007
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Tim Russell (GORE): This is Al Gore. So many of you have been begging me to run for president, and though there's almost zero chance that I will, I can't completely close the door, not when I get so many heartfelt letters like this one from Sylvia Detwiler of Wichita, Kansas, who writes "Al, you are our only hope. The planet is overheating and our nation's leaders are a pack of buffalo racing towards a cliff, and if you won't run I see no choice but to become a radical Jihaddist. " — thank you for those kind words, Sylvia, but I have a big job to do, saving the world from total annihilation, and I don't have time to be riding a bus around Iowa or New Hampshire. Not that I have a problem with New Hampshire, especially when I hear from people like Mike Longchamps of Manchester, who writes, "Mr. Vice-President, You and you alone can rescue this country from the great sucking black hole it has become since that cretin stole Florida in 2000" — I appreciate the sentiment, Mike, and I'm not saying I won't, but first we have to educate the teeming masses. And that is why I've taken a job as the weatherman at National Public Radio. And here's today's forecast. ...freaking hot. And then it's just gonna get hotter and hotter until we all want to die. And guess what, people? We did this to ourselves. Especially those of you who are driving S.U.V.s right now. Long range forecast? Heat and drought and famine and flooding. Is it too late? Almost. Am I going to run? You wish. But I doubt it. Maybe. If I have to. Don't make me. Thank you.