Rhubarb script
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: Our show is at Wolf Trap tonight, and this is the point in the show when inevitably people start to think, 'How are we going to get out of here?' (HORNS, YELLING) Big crowd, lots of cars, not many roads, and the traffic jams can be horrible. Especially since these are public radio listeners, and that means people waving to each other to go first —the After You Alphonse syndrome —

Tim Russell (OFF): Go ahead.

Sue Scott (OFF): You were first. (HORNS HONKING)

TR (OFF): I insist.

SS (OFF): I'm in no hurry.

TR (OFF): Neither am I. I'm listening to Mahler. The fourth symphony. (MORE HORNS HONKING)

SS (OFF): What station is it on?

GK: All of that yielding means that it takes three times as long to get out of the lot — and if you should make the mistake of honking at them (HONK), they're going to want to get out of the car and talk about it.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)

SS: Look. Clearly you have self-control issues, but I don't think it's helpful to lean on your horn. Ok? So could you stop?

Fred Newman: I'll stop when you move your car.

SS: Oh, I'll move it, sir. But before I do, I want to confront you as a human being, not just a big hulking mass of metal.

FN: Look— let's just go, okay? I want to get home.

SS: There's a person in this car, ok? I am not simply the sum of my car parts.

FN: Come on. Let's go—

SS: Do you ever consider that there might be a god reason the traffic isn't moving? Or is this all about you?

TR (GRUFF): Yeah. It's all about you, isn't it?

GK: She is now joined by others who want to talk things over (HORNS, YELLING) and now you have a couple of choices. There's a pogo stick. (POGO) Not quite fast enough and it's dark and hard to see where you're bouncing. (CHOPPER WARMING UP) There's a helicopter that will airlift you over the traffic jam and into the city. (CHOPPER) But it's expensive. Or you can put that portable flashing red light on top of your car. (FRENCH SIREN) Whoops. Wrong country. Bad mistake. (SIREN) Now the real cops are after you. (CAR REV) Impersonating a French police officer — serious offense — (CAR SCREECH AWAY) but you remember a secret way on the back roads and you drive fast (CORNERING) over a hill and around the corner and past a barn (FAST PAST CHICKENS) and toward the railroad crossing (CROSSING WARNING) just as the semaphore is going down and across the tracks (TRAIN WHISTLE DOPPLER FAST) and now you head for the lift bridge and — (CRY OF HORROR, BRAKES) the lift is up and you go sailing off the end (FLIGHT OF CAR) and you land in a (BOAT SPEEDING ALONG) cigarette boat on the river and it races downstream and bombs go off (UNDERWATER EXPLOSIONS) and machine guns (SFX) and a dive bomber comes in low (STRAFING RUN) and a submarine rises (KLAXON) and fires a torpedo (WHOOSH) and then suddenly —

TR (GRUFF): Cut. Cut! Cut! Thanks. That was terrific. Let's do it again.

FN: You're shooting a movie?

TR (GRUFF): Jimmy?

FN: My name is Fred.

TR (GRUFF): What, you're not the stunt man?

FN: No, I'm just a guy trying to get home from Wolf Trap-the traffic was really bad--

TR (GRUFF): Oh. Darn. Well we'll have to use you again. For continuity.

FN: I can't do that again! I could barely do it the first time!

TR (GRUFF): Too bad! Get back in the car!

GK: And just then your cell phone rings (CELL PHONE, AND PICK UP).

FN: Hello?

SS: Hello? Where are you?

FN: I was— wait a minute.

SS: Did you forget that you were going to pick up your mother and me?

FN: Oh my gosh.

SS: We're standing here outside the Filene Center, and they're locking up. How soon can you be here?

FN: That's a good question.

(THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(SINGS) One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.