Lanesboro Script
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Listen

(BUGLES)

Tim Russell: ADVENTURES WITH SCRIPTURE (TK ECHO)
(PASTORAL THEME, BIRDS)

Tom Keith: And on the Eighth Day, the Lord God looked out upon creation and saw that something was missing. And so he created a town. And he called it Lanesboro.

TR (GOD): I will make a river to flow through it. With a dam. Canoeists will curse the dam. And they will learn patience. And I will make the valley fruitful, and scenic, and there shall be cafes serving mixed greens with balsamic dressing and broiled salmon and flourless chocolate cake. But one thing thou shalt not partake of and that is the flesh of the rhubarb plant.

Garrison Keillor: No? But why?

TR (OFF): Because I said so!!! (THUNDER, LIGHTNING)

GK: You know, it's so sour I wasn't even thinking about eating it until you said not to, and now —

TR (OFF): I am not going to discuss this with you.

GK: I wonder if a person couldn't cook them up with some sugar, and maybe add strawberries —

TR (OFF): Thou shalt not eat the rhubarb.

GK: We're just talking among ourselves.

Sue Scott: Listen, we could use zucchini.

GK: Not the same. Go ahead. Let's eat it.

SS: But what if he—

GK: He will. Let's eat some.

SS: But if we do, we'll get kicked out of paradise. We'll have to move to the Cities.

TR (OFF): I am watching.

GK: Isn't there supposed to be a snake involved here?

TK (SNAKE): Certainly. I will be your serpent this evening. Let me list the specials. We have a lovely rhubarb crisp, served with a light crust and drizzled with strawberry.

SS: You take the first bite. I insist.

GK: Ok then. Here goes. (CRUNCHING).

SS: How does it feel? Do you know more stuff?

GK: I don't know. I should. I mean, it's the Plant of Knowledge. Right?

SS: That's what he said. Are you smarter?

GK: No idea.

TR (OFF): I told you not to eat of it.

GK: You said it was the Plant of Knowledge.

TR (OFF): I was kidding.

GK: You're not supposed to kid.

TR (OFF): I can kid if I want to. You must leave Lanesboro and go to the Cities— and earn your daily bread by working in media. (THUNDER, LIGHTNING)

GK: Why do you have to send lightning every time you want to make a point?? Couldn't you just use Capital letters like other people? Italics?

TR (OFF): My world. Now scram.

(HISSING)

TK (SNAKE): Excuse me. I'm your serpent. This way to the Cities.
B GK: Come on, Evelyn.

TK (SNAKE): Minneapolis is the one on your left and St. Paul is the one on the right.

GK: Which one do you recommend?

TK (SNAKE): St. Paul will make you think you're dead. Minneapolis will make you wish you were never born.

(A BEAT)

GK: I'm thinking Minneapolis.

SS: That's what I was going to say!

TK (SNAKE): Good luck.

(TIME CHANGE, BRIDGE)

SS: Well, it's not bad. Five years since we left Lanesboro and I'm really enjoy my work as a vice administrator for media consulting.

GK: And I like being a visiting media analyst specializing in content production.

SS: How do you like this salad? (CRUNCHING)

GK: Interesting. Sort of bitter. What is that? Endive?

SS: It's some stuff that was growing in the back yard. The one with the reddish stalks.

GK: The rhubarb plant?

SS: Is that what that is?

GK: The poisonous rhubarb plant? Is that what I'm eating?

SS: Rhubarb is poisonous?

GK: The leaves are, yes! (GAGGING)

SS: But they make pies out of rhubarb.

GK: The stalks, yes-not the leaves-

SS: Oh--- Boy, you ate quite a bit of that. You don't look good. (GAGGING) Maybe I should call poison control. Let me see if I can find the number. How you doing?

GK: Not good.

SS: I know it's around here somewhere. Where did I see that?

GK: I can't believe you'd do this to me.

SS: Well excuse me for trying! Gosh, a person just tries to make a nice salad for dinner, and this is the thanks she gets? I'm looking for the phone book. Where is that? I suppose I could call urgent care. It's kind of expensive though.

GK: Please. Call them. Call them now.
SS (FADING): What did you say, honey? Well you're going to have to speak up-I can't hear you-oh, here's the phone book. No wait, those are the yellow pages. Shoot.

(CELESTIAL MUSIC)

GK: (WOOZY) Whoa... are we there yet?

TR (OFF): You came back. To Lanesboro.

GK: Does that mean that—

TR (OFF): Yes. You ate rhubarb leaves and you croaked.

GK: So here I am— looks about the same —

TR (OFF): It is. Methodists are down there— Baptists over there— Catholics down that way — Mormons— Episcopalians— Jews— Muslims—

GK: Unitarians?

TR (OFF): Got some of those too. They just roam around, trying to get people to sign petitions.

GK: What about the Lutherans?

TR (OFF): Who?

GK: Lutherans. Where are they?

TR (OFF): Where are who?

GK: Lutherans.

TR (OFF): Never heard of them.

GK: Really quiet people. Self-effacing. Navy blue. Sort of ostentatiously modest.

TR (OFF): Oh. You must mean the (PISCACADAWADAQUODDYMOGGIN SOUND)—

GK: The what?

TR (OFF): The (PISCACADAWADAQUODDYMOGGIN SOUND) —That's what we call them.
GK: Oh. Okay. You mind if I go stay with them?

TR (OFF): Fine. They're off that way—

GK: In the swamp?

TR (OFF): They insisted. They didn't want to be up on the hill.
They said, don't go to any trouble for us, whatever you've got, that's just fine, we don't want to be a burden. So— we put em down by the dump.

(THEME)
GK; You've been listening to...

TK: ADVENTURES WITH SCRIPTURE.

(BUGLES)

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