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Bush Script
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Listen
Garrison Keillor: It's been such a pleasure having Martin Sheen with us on the show. A man who gave hope to millions through his portrayal of President Josiah Bartlett on "The West Wing" —
Martin Sheen: Hello, I'm Martin Sheen. And it was a privilege playing the part of the president on TV.
Tim Russel (BUSH): I know what that's like. Been doing it for six years.
MS: After my role on the West Wing, a lot of people wanted me to run for president. Until they found out my real name is Ramon Estévez. That kind of cooled their jets.
TR (BUSH): Of course it did. Can't have people sneaking up across the border thinking they can be president. Unless of course they register in a temporary work program. I don't have a problem with that.
MS: But I was born in the US. I'm from Dayton Ohio. So it's ok. I could be president if I wanted to.
TR (ARNOLD): You are so lucky. They won't let me be president. Just because I'm from Austria. It's not fair.
MS: The thing is, I'm an actor. And being an actor does not qualify a person to be president. So maybe I shouldn't.
TR (REAGAN): Well, there you go again. You forgot about me. I was an actor, and then I was president. Go figure.
TR (ARNOLD): I was a bodybuilder and now I'm the governor. I am amazing. A one-of-a-kind.
TR (BUSH): Then there's me. I was a baseball guy, sitting in the owner's box, sitting there watching games and shelling peanuts. And now I rule the world. Neat, isn't it? Say what'd you do there before you were president, Mr. Sheen?
MS: Like I said, I wasn't actually president. I just played one on tv. I was the acting president.
TR (BUSH): Heck, what's the difference? Either way, you gotta wear a suit.
TR (CLINTON): I'd like to say something. First of all, I like wearing suits. I look good in them. Second of all, I wanna tell you why West Wing was so popular. It's because I made the presidency look so cool, they made it into a show. Attractive people saying smart things. Just like when I was in the White House.
MS: Anyway I have no interest in being president. I went back to Ireland to continue my college education. And I'm thinking about going back for more
TR (BUSH): I should do that. Go back to college. A lot of people have told me that. But how old are you, anyway?
MS: I'm 66 years old.
TR (BUSH): Yeah but do you know how old you're going to be by the time you get done with school?
MS: The same age I'll be if I don't go back to school.
(A BEAT)
TR (BUSH): So how old is that?
MS: I don't know. About 70, I guess.
TR (REAGAN): There's nothing wrong with being old. I kind of liked it.
TR (ARNOLD): I'm as strong as I ever was — go ahead, hit me in the stomach. Do it. Hard as you can.
MS: I'd rather not.
TR (CLINTON): I'll do it.
TR (ARNOLD): Not you. Him. Hit me. Give me your best shot, Mr. Fakey Fake president.
MS: I don't want to hurt you.
TR (ARNOLD): Hit me come on, hit me. Do it.
MS: Fine. (WALLOP, HE GROANS, MUTTERS IN GERMAN)
TR (BUSH): So much for Conan the Republican.
MS: I told you I didn't want to do it.
TR (CLINTON): I think we should solve things with love. And when I'm the first gentleman, I'll make sure that happens.
GK: Our time is up here.
TR (BUSH): Our time is up? How come I didn't get to say anything?
TR (REAGAN): That was the point, idiot. Our plan worked.
GK: Thanks for joining us on the show, Martin Sheen...
TR (CLINTON): Always get in the last word. That's my motto. Goodnight.
TR (BUSH): You're standing right in front of me. Move.
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