A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Fatherhood lyrics
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Listen

Women do fine without us
In fact they're happier on their own
Have you ever seen women together? They just laugh and laugh
A man walks in the room and their faces turn to stone
Unless it is a man with an apron who is on the wait staff.
Women gather in book clubs,
And drink coffee and go to the gym
And men put on a suit and go to the firm,
And the only time that she is looking around for him
Is when a woman is in need of sperm.
FATHERHOOD it is a blessing
Fatherhood is a delight
There's no messing around for days it just takes about one night
You can be deaf or slow or dumb
When they call you you will come
They just need you there to breed and then they mail you back where you came from

Human sperm are very small
Five microns, that's about all
They are just a cell wih a dangly tail
They're just a fraction of the ovum
But still you've got to love em
And they're produced in the testes of the male
Beneath their shiny domes
They contain your chromosomes
And the tail can kick just like a leg
O nothing could be fina
Than to swim up a vagina
And make a rendezvous with an egg.

CHORUS

The sperm has one ambition
And that is to gain admission
To the female reproductive canal
And once he gets in it
He swims a millimeter a minute
Along with forty million of his pals.

He's a cell but he's no boob
When he sees the Fallopian tube
He goes crazy and swims in a figure-8
About ten-thousand times
And those female enzymes
Keep egging him on to penetrate.

CHORUS

A few sperm advance,
And do their little dance
And only one gets through the egg membrane
And the merger of those two
That's what lead to you
So be thankful that your folks did not abstain

That old man in the garage
Once let loose a great barrage
And though he now is ancient and infirm
And his breath is bad
Children he's your dad
Because he contributed those sperm
FATHERHOOD it is a blessing
Fatherhood is a delight
There's no messing around for days it just takes about one night
You can get it from a bank
Or from Bill or John or Frank
But today is Father's Day and there is one guy to thank.
Buy a tie to thank your pa
That he did not withdraw
He was young he was dumb
And when things began to hum
It was simply beyond him
To go and get a condom
And that, my darlings, is where you all came from