Crispy script
Saturday, June 23, 2007

Tim Russell (ANNC): And now, the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box. And now, today's story. (MUSIC FADE FOR...)


Fred Newman: Hello?

Garrison Keillor (ECHO): Hello.

FN: I thought I saw somebody down in this hole— what are you doing?

GK (ECHO): I fell in.

FN: Really...just now?

GK (ECHO): A couple hours ago.

FN: Did you cry for help?

GK (ECHO): No, I didn't. I tried to, but my voice sounded so pitiful. I felt ashamed. So I've been hurling myself at these perpendicular walls over and over trying to somehow climb up them though obviously it's impossible.

FN: You don't have a cell phone to call 911?

GK (ECHO): No.

FN: Here— take mine. (TOSS, LONG DROP, GK CATCH)

GK: Thanks.

FN: I'll go try to find a rope.

GK: Okay. See you in a minute. — Boy. Lucky he came by. (BEEP BEEP BEEP, PHONE RING, PICKUP)

Sue Scott (ON PHONE): 911 this is Sahara how may I help you?

GK (ECHO): Yes, I'm calling to report that I fell into a deep hole—

SS (ON PHONE): This is Kansas, sir.

GK (ECHO): I'm aware of that.

SS (ON PHONE): I mean I just don't see how that could happen.

GK (ECHO): There was this deep pit. I don't know, maybe it's a storage bin or something.

SS (ON PHONE): Ok, ok, just stay calm, I'm right here with you. I'm tracking your cellphone right now— (SONAR) and I'm getting a fix on your location— okay— good (BEEPS). Now let me see if we've got a responder who can come out. Let's see.— (SHE LOOKS DOWN LIST OF NAMES)

GK (ECHO): How about Earl Sanderson, the Eagle Scout?

SS (ON PHONE): I'm sorry, he's at a ceremony in Des Moines, receiving another merit badge.

GK (ECHO): Another one? How many merit badges does this kid need anyway?

SS (ON PHONE): He's not a kid, sir, he's a young adult.

GK (ECHO): Whatever he is.

GK (ECHO): How about Earl's dog, Crispy?

SS (ON PHONE): Crispy's at the technical college, getting retrained. But I'll text him and see if he can come. (SLOW BEEPING OFF)

GK (ECHO): Wouldn't it be faster just to whistle?

SS (ON PHONE): Just hang on a second. (SLOW BEEPING) Man. In. H-o-l-

GK: You know, forget it. I think I'm going to die down here.

SS (ON PHONE): Sir, just calm down.

GK: I am calm.


GK (ECHO): Any idea how long this might take?

SS (ON PHONE): I have no idea. I'm just a little stressed, okay? Last time I directed a rescue from a deep hole, I kind of messed up.

GK (ECHO): Oh. Great. What happened?

SS (ON PHONE): I gave the rescue truck the wrong coordinates and on their way there, they drove right into the hole the guy was trapped in and they crushed him like a bug. So — we don't want that to happen again, right?

GK (ECHO): Look it's not that hard, you just lower rope and I'm out of here. I'm only down about twenty-five feet.

SS (ON PHONE): Okay. I'm sending Earl's brother Rick Sanderson with Earl's dog Crispy.

GK (ECHO): Oh thank goodness. Crispy.

SS (ON PHONE): You're familiar with Crispy's work, sir?

GK (ECHO): I am — I was cornered by a cougar once and I tried to run and I fell into an abandoned mineshaft and there was quicksand and a rattlesnake — Crispy got me out.

SS (ON PHONE): Do you have some sort of death wish, sir?


TR: Hello? Hello? Is someone down there?

GK (ECHO): Yes. I'm down here—

SS (ON PHONE): Stay on the line, sir. Talk to me. I'm right here.

GK (ECHO): You know it's ok. I'm fine.

TR: I'm Earl's brother Rick and I'm gonna get you out of there, sir. Just as soon as I set up my winch.

GK (ECHO): Okay, good—and sorry about all of this-

TR: I'm setting up my winch now.

GK (ECHO): Yes ok, thank you very much.

TR: This is me, setting up my winch.

GK: Right. I'm not going anywhere.

SS (ON PHONE): I'm here, sir. Stay calm. Try not to panic.

GK (ECHO): I'm not panicking. Just feeling humiliated.

SS (ON PHONE): You sound like you're going into shock.

GK (ECHO): I'm not. Okay? I'm fine. He's hooking up the winch and he's going to lower a rope and pull me out.

TR: Okay— all set to lower! Coming down— (WINCH)

SS (SINGING, ON PHONE): When you're weary, feeling small, When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all—

GK (ECHO): Ma'am, what are you doing?

SS (SINGING, ON PHONE): I'm on your side. When times get rough. And friends just can't be found—

GK (ECHO): You know, you shouldn't be hogging a 911 line like this—there may be other people out there who need help, ma'am.

SS (SINGING, ON PHONE): Like a bridge over troubled water; I will lay me down.

GK (ECHO): It's not a karaoke line-

SS (SINGING, ON PHONE): Like a bridge over troubled water; I will lay me down.

GK (ECHO): Are you sending the winch down?

TR: Watch your head, it's coming down. (RATCHETING, CLANGING, MACHINERY) Just takes time. It's a slow winch.

GK: Good. I'm fine.

TR: We'll lower the harness and get you right out of there—

GK: There's a harness?

SS (ON PHONE): How are we doing there, sir?

GK (ECHO): Doing fine.

SS (ON PHONE): I'm sending over a crisis team, sir. They counsel people who've been in entrapment situations like yours. They're very good.

GK (ECHO): Please don't do that.

SS (ON PHONE): It's a therapist and a hypnotist and a Reiki healer. Also a high school guidance counselor.

GK (ECHO): I really don't think that's necessary.

SS (ON PHONE): You'll thank me later.

GK: I'm not seeing this winch, here. Are you sure you're in the right hole?

TR: It moves kind of slow. But it's there. It's coming down. (WINCHING)

SS (ON PHONE): I'm hearing panic in your voice, sir. You sound totally freaked.

GK (ECHO): It's not panic, it's exasperation.

SS (ON PHONE): I'm going to tell him to stop the winch and wait until the crisis team gets there.

GK (ECHO): No, please! No.

TR (OFF): No?

GK (ECHO): Not talking to you.

TR (OFF): Want me to stop the winch?

GK (ECHO): No.

SS (SINGS, ON PHONE): Some times in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow. But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.

GK (ECHOES): Get me out of here. (WOOFING) What the heck--

FN (CRISPY): I'm here. What seems to be the problem?

GK: Crispy! Where did you come from?

FN (CRISPY): There's a tunnel. I just wriggled my way through.

GK: Just get me out of here. Let's just go.

FN (CRISPY): Sure thing. I just need you to sign these papers first.

GK: Papers? What papers?

FN (CRISPY): They're in the packet on the chain around my neck.

GK: What is this-a limitation of liability clause? 245 pages of it?

FN (CRISPY): We need to protect ourselves in the event of an accident.

GK: There's already been an accident. I fell down a hole.

FN (CRISPY): We can't be held responsible if something should happen to you, sir.

GK: What could happen to me? I just need to get out of here--

FN (CRISPY): You don't want to know. I've seen it all. Snakebite, crushed by a log, quicksand, accidental strangulation—

GK: Strangulation?

FN (CRISPY): Accidental spearing, attacked by zebras, drowning in an inch of water-I've been around the block with this stuff.

GK: I'm not so sure I want to sign this-

FN (CRISPY): If you don't sign it, I gotta head on back out that hole and leave you here.

SS (ON PHONE): I see my light come shining-from the West unto the East-Any day now—any day now-I shall be released--

GK: Where's that pen?

FN (CRISPY): I'm holding it in my teeth. Here.

GK: Fine (SCRIBBLING) There. Let's get out of here.

TR (OFF): Can you see the winch sir? It should be down there by now.

GK: I can't see anything.

TR (OFF): It should be right there. Hanging right by your head.

GK: It's not down here. I think I would see it—(CLUNK, THUMP)

FN (CRISPY): Uh oh.

TR: What happened?

FN (CRISPY): I think you knocked him out with the hook.

TR: I did what? I can't hear you.

FN (CRISPY): I hope there's something in this clause that covers this-(PAGING)

TR: Tie a rope around his ankle, we'll lift him up that way.

FN (CRISPY): Not sure I can tie a knot with my paws, but I'll try.

SS (ON PHONE): Any day now-any day now-I shall be released. Are you there sir? Sir answer me, are you still there? Hello?


TR (ANNC): The Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout, and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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