Ketchup script
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Listen

Sue Scott: These are the good years for Jim and me. We just subscribed to Netflix, so we've been staying in and watching a lot of movies. The lawn looks like a buffalo wallow but who cares? My problem is: the lights go out and the movie starts and I just fall asleep. The other day I fell asleep with popcorn in my mouth and I choked on a kernel and almost yorked up my lunch and Jim was so engrossed in this stupid movie, he didn't notice. I was like a cat with a hairball and he sat there glued to this stupid murder mystery and I felt like murdering him, but I was okay, and then I didn't eat a thing for the next three days, so now I can fit into the clothes I haven't worn for about 20 years-you know, that stuff you keep around just in case? Anyway I should have been happy. But one day I came downstairs and found Jim in front of the mirror, doing this scary kind of laugh. (TR CREEPY LAUGH) Jim-what on earth?

Tim Russell: I'm working on my laugh, Barb.

SS: What in the world—

TR: My laughter is off— (HE CHUCKLES) somebody told me a joke at work today and I laughed and it just didn't sound right to me.

SS: How did it sound?

TR: I wasn't laughing, I was snorting. It sounds phony.

SS: How do you want your laugh to sound?

TR: Big and hearty. When I die I want the people at my memorial service to remember what a great laugh I had.

SS: Do we need to talk about something, Jim?

TR: I don't want to go through life chuckiling. I want to be deliriously happy. I want to dance in my bare feet and drink wine out of a wineskin and laugh a big hearty laugh. (BIG LAUGH) Like that except deeper. (BIG LAUGH, DEEPER)

SS: Jim, this doesn't sound like you. I mean normally you don't even like to show teeth when you smile.

TR: I read that people who laugh a lot live longer. That's been proven.

SS: Maybe so but laughter is supposed to be spontaneous.

TR: So—? Tell me a joke.

SS: Now?

TR: Go ahead. Double me over. Make me laugh until stuff comes out my nose. Make me pee in my pants.

SS: Well— there's the joke about the two penguins.

TR: No— (HE STARTS LAUGHING) not that one. Please.

SS: There were these two penguins standing on an ice floe. (TR LAUGHING) Or was it three penguins? Three. And the first penguin says to the second penguin, "He looks like he's wearing a tuxedo." (TR LAUGHING AND WHEEZING) And the second penguin says, "I think so too." (TR CHOKING) And the second penguin says to the third penguin, "Are you wearing a tuxedo?" (TR WHEEZING) And the third penguin says, "Wouldn't you like to know?" (TR HELPLESS HIGH PITCHED WHINNYING LAUGHTER)

SS: Jim, I wonder if you've been getting enough ketchup.

TR: (LAUGHTER SUBSIDING) Is that part of the joke, Barb?

SS: Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help us just sit quietly and feel good on the inside without having to cackle and guffaw.

TR: Well, maybe you're right, Barb. And now I just feel exposed and ashamed.

SS: You'll get over it, Jim.

Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
Summertime is with us
It's warm, the grass is dewy
Swimmers in the water
Boats tied to the buoy
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on chop suey

Garrison Keillor: Ketchup, for the good times.

RD: Ketchup, ketchup.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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