A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

ELCA script
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Listen

(CHORDS)

Garrison Keillor: ...right after this message from the ELCA, the Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency. Other counselors take a long analytical approach to problems that may require years of therapy. Evelyn Lundberg goes straight to the point.

SS (EVELYN): If I hear you kids say once more that you're bored and there's nothing to do, I am going to scream and I don't mean maybe. You want something to do, go clean your room. It's a disgrace.

GK: Many parents are afraid of children and think they're fragile and sensitive and a harsh word could send them spinning into a vortex of shame and confusion. So— hire Evelyn to speak harshly to your children. She'll do it and you won't get blamed for it.

SS (EVELYN): You know, I wouldn't wear tanktops if I had your weight problem, honey, look at you — your gut's hanging out the bottom. Don't cry I'm just telling you the truth. And here's another tip. Get rid of that tattoo on your butt. Listen to me. Dye injected under your skin is permanent. You think it looks cool now, but you wait: ten years from now, it just looks like a bad bruise. It looks like a walrus gave you a hickey. You don't want to have to explain that your whole life, trust me.

GK: The Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency doesn't try to understand young people, just impart some common sense.

SS (OLDER): Oh just grow up... And go clean your room.

GK: The Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency... in the Yellow Pages under Discipline.