Rhubarb script
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: ...we'll be back after this word from Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

For years you've wanted to go to Tanglewood in the Berkshires — you've seen pictures, the green mountains, the great lawn, the shed, the elegant audience in their trend-setting summer outfits, so you go to a James Taylor concert there — (Sue Scott: James Taylor! Oh, be still my beating heart!) — but it isn't really a James Taylor concert (SS: What????), it's a crummy radio show on which he only sings a few songs and then these other people do stuff, (SS DISGUST) and in your disappointment, you drink more champagne than you were planning to (POP CORK, POUR) and you eat quite a bit of that potato salad that was sitting out in the sun for awhile and after awhile (SS: OH OH) you feel a need to find the toilets — and you stand up during a rather quiet passage (PIANO DELICATE PASSAGE, CLASSICAL) and take the long walk — SS: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry, sorry, pardon me, excuse me, oh sorry, excuse me, excuse me— as people look at you with disgust and loathing — Fred Newman SOTTO VOCE: Where was she brought up? In a barn? Tim Russell S.V.: Can't she hold it for two minutes? SS: Excuse me, sorry, pardon me, coming through, sorry, excuse me, excuse me — FN S.V.: Look at her, stepping on people, she must be on drugs. ER S.V.: Where'd she get those clothes? From a rummage sale—

And finally you make it to the toilets where you are fifth in line. (SS HUMMING IN A PANICKY WAY) And when you get in finally (SS: Oh thank God. DOOR CLOSE, LOCK) you sit down so fast that you get stuck. (SFX)

Sue Scott: Oh my gosh. Oh no. (SHE STRAINS) (SFX) I can't get off the toilet seat. (SFX)

GK: Evidently you went into a child's Porta Potty by mistake and the seat is too small. (SFX) And you try hard but you can't get off the pot. (SFX) So you call your boyfriend but of course he has his cellphone turned off for the concert.

SS: Roger, it's me. I'm in the toilet and I can't get out. Please come and help me. It's not a joke. (SOBBING) Believe me, it's not a joke.

(IMPATIENT KNOCKING)

Tim Russell (MUFFLED, OUTSIDE DOOR): Hey, lady. What's going on in there? You got a line of people out here waiting.

SS: Go away. I'm doing the best I can.

TR (MUFFLED, OUTSIDE DOOR): You've been in there for fifteen minutes. You want to do your makeup, do it someplace else.

GK: You try to pull yourself up. (SS DEEP BREATH AND STRAIN. SFX) And you can't get out. So there's only one thing to do. Call 9-1-1.

Fred Newman (ON PHONE): Yer what? Yer stuck in a toilet? (MUFFLED LAUGHTER) I'm sorry. Where?

GK: And two minutes later, as James Taylor sings a tender love ballad (Rich Dworsky SINGING: Before you came along, my life was in the toilet) a hook and ladder and two pumper trucks pull into Tanglewood (SIRENS, MEN'S VOICES, EQUIPMENT CLANGING, CHAINS, ETC.) And they cut the door off with a blowtorch (SFX) and rip it off its hinges (SFX) and eight thousand people stand and watch as the firemen extricate you—

TR (FIREMAN): Gotta cut the seat bolts off that toilet seat (CHAINSAW) and then we gotta tie this rope around your waist—

GK: And they bring in a crisis counselor to talk you through it. (EQUIPMENT, MEN'S VOICES CONTINUE)

ER: I'm Lindsay, and I'll be here with you as they get your butt out of this hole and I'm just wondering what you're feeling right now?

SS: (WEEPY) Shame. Pure shame. I'll never recover from this. Never.

ER: Maybe it would help to talk about how you got in this situation in the first place.

SS: (WEEPY) I just had to go to the bathroom. I drank too much champagne...

ER: Also your panties maybe aren't as fresh as they might be. They say Wednesday. This is Saturday.

SS: I'm a little behind ok?

TR (FIREMAN): A little behind? Not from where I'm standing, lady.

SS: (WEEPY): Why is this happening to me? Why? Why?

FN (FIREMAN): Sorry, we're going to have to turn the whole Porta-Potty upside down so we can attach suction cups on your hinder, okay?

SS: I feel so vulnerable right now. (MOTOR WHINE)

TR (FIREMAN): Here we go. (TWO JUICY POPS) All right— take her up, Jimmy! — get me that chisel.

(THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beeboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie filling.

Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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