Guy Noir script
Saturday, September 1, 2007
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Tim Russell (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye

(THEME)

Garrison Keillor: It was Labor Day weekend, and my sister Georgina had invited me to come to their lake home -what she used to call her cabin before they got carpeting -but her husband Al and I are a little uneasy around each other — Al is a Republican and it's an unhappy time for him in general — I called him up the other day and told him to be careful in men's toilets from now on — if you feel an urge to wave to the guy in the next stall, maybe you shouldn't — he hung up on me, so the thought of sitting in a fishing boat with him — with no partition between us — huh uh. I don't think so. (STING) And then I got a job which ordinarily I wouldn't have taken but work has been scarce — I was hired by the Minnesota State Fair to provide security for Minnesota's Largest Pig Ricky, a 1200-pound porker in a pen in the Swine Barn. (BIG PIG SNUFFLING AND SNORTS)

TR (GRUFF): We, uh, have received anonymous threats from militant vegan terrorists, Mr. Noir, threatening to pignap Ricky and take him to a secret location where he can live out his days. They call it Operation Porklift. So we'd like you to sit in that security trailer outside the Swine Barn and keep an eye on him.

GK: Kidnapping a 1200-pound pig would be no small feat, sir. Speaking of which, his feet are rather small, aren't they? Is the pig able to walk?

TR (GRUFF): Ricky has a workout twice a day with his trainer.

GK: I see.

TR (GRUFF): The pig is very well cared for.

GK: I wasn't questioning that, sir.

Sue Scott (DEEP): Hi. I'm Valerie. I'm Ricky's trainer and his massage therapist. I understand you're going to be his bodyguard.

GK: Yes, well— I— uh—

TR (GRUFF): These vegan terrorists are a bloodthirsty bunch, Mr. Noir. They'll stop at nothing—

GK: Well, bloodthirsty? I don't know— but my gosh, this is a big pig.

SS (DEEP): Sir? Please? Like, Ricky is very sensitive about his weight. And yes, he does know when people are talking about him. (PIG SNUFFLING) It's okay, honey. You're a beautiful pig. Yes, you are. (PIG SIGHING) You're not fat, you're just short for your weight. — See how he loves to be scratched? (PIG PLEASURE) Right there.

GK: I don't plan on scratching him there, ma'am—

TR (GRUFF): You're our first line of defense, Mr. Noir. Here's a walkie-talkie. If you see any suspicious activity, call our Pig Patrol and they'll be here in ten seconds. (STING AND BRIDGE)

GK: The security trailer was small but comfortable. I could watch Ricky through a one-way glass from a reclining chair where, if the truth be told, I got in quite a bit of nap time. There was a big TV set (TV AUDIO) where I watched the Golf Channel and the Cooking Channel and — my favorite — the 7th and Hennepin Channel where you can see the bus stop at the intersection of 7th and Hennepin in Minneapolis, 24/7 — and I was tuned in to that when my walkie-talkie went off (BEEPS) — I had to figure out how to answer it— (BEEPING, URGENT) I kept pressing buttons and finally I got one— Yes? Hello? Hello?

SS (PANICKED, ON PHONE): Hello?

GK: I'm here-hello?

SS (PANICKED, ON PHONE): Is this State Fair security?

GK: Yes. Go ahead. What's the problem?

SS (ON PHONE): Listen. My name is Lila Hemp—and my car is out here in the parking lot and I can't find it-

GK: You don't remember where you parked?--

SS (ON PHONE): I thought it was in the Rooster lot but I've walked all around the Rooster lot and I don't see it. I have company coming in a half an hour--

GK: Just stay calm ma'am. What kind of car is it? —

SS (ON PHONE): It's a Humongous.

GK: A what?

SS (ON PHONE): It's a 2007 Humongous.

GK: Is that an SUV?

SS (ON PHONE): It's an SSUV. A super SUV.

GK: I see.

SS (ON PHONE): It's like a semi and it has xenon searchlights and a 20-millimeter cannon mounted on it.

GK: Should be easy to spot.

SS (ON PHONE): I know. But I've got two shopping bags full of junk and my feet are killing me — and my anti-anxiety medication is in the glove compartment, and I'm starting to get the shakes—

GK: What's the next lot over?

SS (ON PHONE): The Sheep lot. It's not there. I think I may just start screaming.

GK: Just talk to me. Okay? Try to remember.....

SS (ON PHONE): I can't. (BREAKS DOWN) I don't even know if it was a bird or a mammal or what—

GK: Deep breaths, ma'am. Let's retrace your steps.

SS (ON PHONE): My whole life is a shambles. My kids are going down one dead-end road after another, my husband is gone all the time — I'm 47 years old, I'm falling apart — my face is starting to slide—

GK: Wait, wait, wait— One thing at a time. So it's not in the Rooster, or the Sheep lot— what else is up there?

SS (ON PHONE): It's no wonder I have this weird shopping compulsion. I just spent $3,000 I don't have on things I don't need. I just bought this atomic peeler-I already have three peelers-

GK: You can always use another one-

SS (ON PHONE): I bought a special cheese grater that grates cheese 2 microns thick, so you can't even see the cheese-I mean what is this for? And this chamois! (BREAKS DOWN) It's supposed to absorb a gallon of water, but I don't know how it could --(CRIES) It's only the size of a potholder—

GK: Just calm down, ma'am.

SS (ON PHONE): I'm crazed. And here I am standing in this enormous parking lot and I have no idea where I am!

GK: Was there anybody in the car with you who might be able to help?

SS (ON PHONE): Yeah, my daughter. But I lost her, too.

GK: You lost your daughter?

SS (ON PHONE): I was supposed to meet her at the car.

GK: Call her on her cellphone.

SS (ON PHONE): It's busy. She's talking to her boyfriend.

GK: I can see the problem here.

GK: Do you have one of those things on your keychain that you can press to locate your car?

SS (ON PHONE): The batteries are dead. — Oh my god, I am just going to shoot myself.

GK: Don't talk like that, ma'am.

SS (UPSET, ON PHONE): I'm going to throw myself in front of a bus. Here comes one now. It's got a pig snout on it.

(GIANT PIG APPROACHES)

SS (ON PHONE): Wait! It's not a bus. It's a pig! It's an enormous pig! — ( STING)

GK: I looked out the trailer window. Ricky's pen was empty. He was gone. (STING)

SS (ON PHONE): He's the biggest pig I've ever seen. He must weigh 1000 pounds. (GIANT PIG APPROACHES)

GK: Twelve-hundred pounds, ma'am. Where are you?

SS (ON PHONE): He's coming toward me.

GK: Stay calm, ma'am. The pig won't hurt you.

SS (ON PHONE): He's drooling and he's making strange moaning sounds. (GIANT PIG SLOBBERS, MOANS)

GK: Maybe try ducking down behind another car —

SS (ON PHONE): And the pig— He's — he's — o my gosh. O good Lord. Oh— he's up on his hind legs and he's trying to get into my car. Or— oh no— he's humping it. (CAR SQUEAKS, SNORTING)

GK: Try not to look, ma'am. This is a very troubled pig. He's got a lot of self-esteem issues. I'm calling the pig patrol right now. (KLAXONS) They'll be there in a moment. (CHOPPER, MEN'S VOICES, PIG SNORTS, BRIDGE) It took twenty men to get the 1200-pound pig off the SUV and hustle him back to the Swine Barn and sedate him and clean him up and meanwhile I was fired.

TR (GRUFF): I'm very disappointed in you, Mr. Noir. I didn't hire you to sleep on the job.

GK: It's tiring watching a 1200-pound pig, sir. It wears me out just to look at him.

TR (GRUFF): I found a new security man.

Tom Keith (TEEN): Hi, I'm Brent Hogstrom. Where do you want me to sit?

TR: In there, Brent.

TK (TEEN): In the trailer??? Oh boy. Wow. Cool.

TR: Just stay awake, okay?

TK (TEEN): Wow. A TV and everything. Awesome. (BRIDGE)

GK: I collected my pay and was heading for the office when my cell phone rang (CELL RING) and it was Georgina (TK WOMAN'S VOICE ON OTHER END) and they were just heading north and she really hoped I could come to the lake and so — (LOON) two hours later I was in the boat on Middle Spunk Lake with Al (CASTING) and we were fishing. (REEL) — So — you ever go fishing in Idaho, Al?

TR: Don't get started, okay? Just don't go there. I'm warning you.

GK: When I say "go fishing in Idaho," I mean, going after fish, you know—

TR: Just give it a rest, wouldja?

GK: Maybe he was only asking if the guy had some toilet paper. Or two fives for a ten.

TR: One more word out of you and I'm starting the motor and heading for shore. I'm warning you. And quit tapping your foot, okay? Just stop it.

GK: I'm not doing anything wrong.

TR: You're tapping your foot and you're moving your foot over next to my foot. That's it. I had it. (START MOTOR) (THEME)

SS (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But high on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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