Rhubarb script
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Listen

Garrison Keillor: You swore you weren't going to go to the fair again after you overdosed on cheese curds last year (STOMACH GURGLING, TR GROANING), but then you're at the dentist (DRILL), and he gives you a some nitrous oxide (TR CREEPY LAUGHTER), which lightens you up a little bit, and you leave in a good mood and on your way home (TR DAZED: Hey, it's the Fair.) so you go park your car (CAR SCREECHES OFF, PARKS), and head for the Midway (CROWD AMBIENCE) and you go on the carousel, a gentle ride, and it starts up and it's wonderful. (CALLIOPE MUSIC). You feel young and innocent and alive. And then something goes wrong. (CALLIPOE MUSIC QUICKENS) Some sort of electrical surge. You're moving faster and faster (PANIC) and guys in coveralls are trying to stop it (TK: What'd you do? SS: Nothin') And suddenly your horse starts to buck (WILD HORSE), and it throws you off (SFX), and you sail through the air and land in a pile of cotton candy (SPLAT), and you get a mouthful (GULP), and then an enormous sugar rush (FAST HEARTBEAT, HYPERVENTILATION), so you get the urge to ride the Salad Spinner— and you climb in (SPINNING, SS RISING ANXIETY OF SPINNEE), and you're going faster and faster (TR: Oh no. Oh no. Oh no; CHILDREN SCREAMING), and all the blood drains from your head so when you finally get off the ride (RIDE WINDS DOWN) you can no longer remember your name or your social security number…



Tim Russell (DAZED): 379—

GK: You stagger down the street-

TR (DAZED): 379-25? Wait…375-19…..

GK: You can't remember the day of the week.

TR (DAZED): Satur—No. Mon—Thursday?

GK: You can't remember who is President of the United States.

TR (DAZED): No I do remember. Dang it.

GK: And then you reach for your wallet and it's gone! (TK GASP) Your driver's license, your ATM card, your credit cards -200 dollars in cash-gone. And your car keys. No ID, no money, no keys, no way to get home. So you try panhandling.

TR (DAZED): Spare change. Spare change. Trying to get together bus fare-any little bit helps—

GK: And then in desperation-

TR (DAZED): What's public radio worth to you? Take it out of your pocket and give it to me.

GK: People don't give you money but they give you some cheese curds, (EATING), and some deep-fried cookie dough on a stick (EATING) — and suddenly you don't feel well (NAUSEA) so you stagger into the men's toilet, except it's not — it's Monty's Traveling Reptile Show (SNAKE), and it's cool and dark like a men's toilet, but there is a python in a cage which you mistake for a urinal, and that offends the snake (HISS) and he gets loose. A 400-pound python, and it's hungry. (HISS) And you smell like cheese curds. And it comes after you (HISS, TR SCREAMS) And you run (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, HEAVY BREATHING) and meanwhile the cops arrest you for panhandling (SIREN), and they come and put the cuffs on you (SFX)

Sue Scott (COP): All right, all right, just take it easy.

TR (DAZED): There's a snake!

SS (COP): Meth case here, Bob— call detox.

GK: And out of the corner of your eye you see the giant python (TR SHRIEKS) and you make a break for it (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) across the fairgrounds-

SS (COP): Stop or I'll shoot!

GK: And you run toward the giant trampoline and you leap onto that (SFX) and you bounce high in the air (SFX), and you land on this contraption up in the air (SFX) and it's safe up there (TR BREATHING, RELIEF). It's quiet up there. Peaceful. Just you and the big sky. And then—

Tom Keith (CARNIE, OFF): Everybody strapped in and ready?

GK: And you look down (TR GASP) and you see you're lying on top of the Giant Slingshot-

TR: Wait a minute—

GK: The ride that uses two enormous bungee cords to fling two people straight up, 140 feet into the air —

TK: Oh no. Oh no no no.

GK: And you look down and there are two people strapped in for the ride -and you're not strapped in—

TK (CARNIE): Okay. Everybody ready? 5-3-4— 2—

(THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beeboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie filling.

Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,v Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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