The Apartment script
Saturday, September 15, 2007
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(DRAMATIC PIANO, RUSSIAN, MAN WRESTLING WITH DESTINY)

Garrison Keillor: And now...THE ROOMMATE...a journey of the soul. (PIANO DOWN AND UNDER...)

GK: You're a graduate student in English and you're still living at home with your mom—

Sue Scott (OLD LADY): I fixed supper, Elaine. I know how you love salmon, so I made salmon loaf. Oh, you're not going to wear that, are you, honey? Why don't you borrow one of my nice blouses. I cleaned your room, honey. Straightened up your desk. Who is Benjamin? You never mentioned him. And what is this thing I found in your underwear drawer? (STING)

GK: So you go looking for another living situation. (DRAMATIC PIANO) Want ads in your hand. You look at apartments in very old houses with carpet on the walls, (

SS: Eewwww), extension cords everywhere (STUMBLE

SS: Whoops, sorry and you find some rather surprising ones.

SS: Oh. So it's a basement apartment—

Tom Keith: Yes.

SS: The ad said "ground floor"

TK: Yes, we're in the ground, so-ground floor.

SS: Is there a bathroom?

TK: That's upstairs. You share that with us.

SS: Oh. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: You keep looking. (FOOTSTEPS)

SS: It's nice. Lots of room. Clean. The walls appear to have been washed recently.

Tim Russell (SPOOKY): Yeah, we did that.

SS: And I noticed the steel bars on the windows are new.

TR: Yeah. We put those on after the last tenant— uh, moved out.

SS: What happened to the last tenant?

(A BEAT)

TR: Don't worry about it. (DARK CHORD)

SS: Did the last tenant— move out? Or was she moved? You know?

TR: It was a he.

SS: What happened?

TR: We took care of it.

SS: Did somebody die in here?

(A BEAT)

TR: Who told you? (STING)

GK: So you go on to the next place—

SS: This is the apartment? Half of your trailer? You mean, we'd be roommates?

Jerry Douglas: It's not a trailer, it's a mobile home. Double wide.

SS: And I'd be in this little room back here?

JD: Yeah. And we'd share the living room and kitchen.

SS: I don't know. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Why are you wearing bib overalls and a red polka dot shirt and you're missing some teeth?

JD: What's wrong? You don't like country music?

SS: I'm just asking.

JD: My teeth are blacked out cause I'm playing tonight with Uncle Willie and the Whiskey Drinkers.

SS: What is that around your neck?

JD: This? It's a dobro. (OSWALD LICK) Like it?

SS: I'm not sure. Do you practice a lot at home?

JD: Practice??? Ha. I'm a dobro picker. (LICK)

SS: You're not a singer, are you?

JD: No need to sing when you play the dobro. (LICK)

SS: Would you mind if I changed the décor a little bit?

JD: You don't like the deer heads?— I can move 'em.

SS: Actually, it's the stuffed squirrels dressed in little pants and shirts playing poker.

JD: Fine. We can move those.

SS: How about your dog? Does he live here too? (PANTING)

JD: You don't like coon dogs? He's really sweet.

SS: Could you keep him in your room?

JD: Okay. — Speaking of dogs, did you hear about the guy who goes into the drugstore and he buys about twenty packs of condoms every time he goes in and finally the drugstore clerk asks him, Hey, what're all those condoms for? And he says, I give em to my dog so he'll crap in plastic bags.

SS: Uh huh.

JD: So there were these two little boys and one little boy says, "I went to my grandpa's house and I found a condom on the veranda" and the other little boy says, "What's a veranda?"

SS: Uh huh. Are there going to be a lot of jokes?

JD: You don't care for jokes?

SS: Not so far.

JD: Hey. I'll just play dobro then. (HE PLAYS)

GK: The Roommate— a journey of the soul. When you thought "roommate" you were probably thinking about a French guy (TK WHISPERS FRENCH) or you were thinking English major (TR: Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments...for thy sweet love, remembered, such wealth brings, that I would scorn to change my lot with kings.) — you weren't thinking dobro player (DOBRO LICK) — but—

JD: We're friendly, we know how to fix things, we're gone a lot, we don't talk your ear off, and we take requests.

(BIG PIANO)

GK: THE ROOMMATE...brought to you by the Federated Association of Organizations.

(BIG PIANO)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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