Rhubarb script
Saturday, September 15, 2007
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Garrison Keillor: ...brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie...

(PIANO)

You're heading home from Duluth, after a successful meeting (SS: Yes!!) at which you nailed that contract and have now set a new sales record (SS: Yes!!!) and on Monday morning the president of NorCom is going to tell you— (TR: Miss Nomer, we've decided to make you Vice-President for Sales. SS: Yes!!) and (CAR ACCEL, INTERIOR P.O.V.) now you head south from Duluth in your late-model car which Monday evening you will trade in on a BMW (SS: Yes!) and you tune your radio to public radio (CHOPIN PIANO ETUDE) and life is good driving home in the twilight until you notice those forms in the ditch — they look like statues in dim light — not moving — and then one of them does — it has antlers — a white tail — deer. Everywhere. A deer every hundred feet or so. (SS: Oh no.) (CHOPIN TURNS DARK, OMINOUS) You've read stories about deer. They stand perfectly still and then they leap out in front of your car and suddenly your life intersects with a 400-pound mammal with antlers and suddenly your windshield doesn't mean all that much. (SS: Please don't jump in front of my car.) (CAR ACCEL SLIGHTLY) Should you go faster or slower? You're not sure. — but there they are. Suicidal deer. You can see their mouths moving.

Tim Russell (DEER): We're gonna get you.

Tom Keith (DEER): You just wait.

GK: You run into a deer, the air-bag blows up and hits you in the face (SFX) and makes you weird for the rest of your life (WEIRD LAUGHTER). Maybe you sprain your wrist and you can't use your keyboard for three months and NorCom puts you on medical leave and (SS DITZY) you watch so much daytime TV that you go to pieces and start drinking Kahlua like it was cocoa (SS DRUNK) and you wind up dancing in roadhouses for truckdrivers (SS COARSE, DEEP: Let me entertain you, let me make you smile. (BURLESQUE BUMPS) — all because you ran into a deer. It's just too much (SS WEEPING) and you pull over to the side of the road and you put your head on the steering wheel and you let it all out (SS WEEPING), the anger, the frustration, the fear— (SHARP RAPPING ON GLASS) and then you look up— (SS: What?) a hoof is tapping on your window. You roll it down. (ELECTRIC WINDOW)

SS: What do you want?

TR (DEER): Can you give me a lift? I'm going to Minneapolis.

SS: I don't know. I'm sort of having a crisis right now.

TR (DEER): Maybe I can help.

GK: He has such beautiful eyes, you open the door and he gets in. He's a little uncomfortable sitting on his hindquarters in the front seat.

TR (DEER): Sorry. The old legs just aren't working like they used to. I got hit by a car a couple years ago. Haven't been able to walk straight ever since. (CAR ACCEL)

SS: What are you going to Minneapolis for?

TR (DEER): Going to visit my daughter. She headed that way after graduation. She's at the U.

SS: Oh? Studying what?

TR (DEER): Wildlife management.

SS: Oh. Of course. Speaking of which, I just hope none of those deer in the ditch decides to jump out.

TR (DEER): Hey, don't worry. Just turn on the interior light so they can see me.

GK: And you do, and the deer in the ditch take a step back — you can see them grin as you drive by (CAR) and some of them wave— so you speed up— (ACCEL) sixty, sixty-five, seventy—

TR (DEER): They mean no harm, it's just that their road-crossing skills aren't so good.

SS: I must say, I'm really impressed by how clearly you speak. Your enunciation is just amazing.

TR (DEER): Well, I had speech therapy after I was hit by the car.

SS: Oh no.

TR (DEER): What is it?

SS: Flashing blue lights behind me. Darn. Speeding. (CAR SLOWS AND BRAKES) Oh well. (SHE SIGHS AND TAPS HER FINGERS ON THE WHEEL) (CRUNCH OF FEET ON GRAVEL APPROACHING AND STOP)

TK: Evening, ma'am. Going a little fast, aren't we?

SS: Sorry, officer. I wasn't paying attention.

TK: Lemme see your driver's license, please, and your insurance— (BEAT)— what in Sam Hill? Is that a deer? Where'd you get him? It's not deer season, you know.

SS: He just got in my car, officer—

TK: He got in your car? This is an illegal deer. I can confiscate your car— your laptop—

SS: He got in my car and asked me to take him to Minneapolis.

TK: Oh yeah? I don't hear him saying much now—

SS: (TO DEER) Hey— say something. Talk. Tell him.

TK: Outta the car, lady. Lemme see you walk a straight line. (THEME)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie—

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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