Bob script
Saturday, September 22, 2007


Tim Russell (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents...The Story of Bob, A Young Artist. (MUSIC FADE INTO CLINK OF SILVER, PLATE CLATTER, DOG PANTING)

Sue Scott: Have some more cheesy eggs, Bob. I made a double batch— with pimentos.

GK: None for me, Berniece. Pimentos give me anxiety. I thought you knew that.

SS: I can take the pimentos out. They're good cheesy eggs—

GK: My blood pressure is already going through the roof, waiting to hear about the municipal art contest.

Good. More for the rest of us then. Rex loves em, don't you, boy? (DOG BARKS AND EATS) Look at him go. This real cheese on here, Berniece?

SS: This is cheese product, Pops. It's easy, look— cheese in a squeeze bottle. (SPLORT) See? It comes right out.

TR (POPS): Reminds me of Rex this morning. Had a good BM, didn't you, boy? (PANTING, TAIL THUMPING) Speaking of which — remind me to take my mineral oil, wouldja?

GK: Do you mind? Do we have to discuss this at the breakfast table?

TR (POPS): What you so hoity-toi about, Mr. Big Pants? Huh? What Rex does on the grass, you do on a canvas and you call it Art! Ha!

SS: Now Pops, just simmer down. Bob's a little touchy this morning—

GK: I am not touchy, I am anxious. Mrs. DeWillers is supposed to call me any minute. (DOG WHINES)

TR (POPS): Hand me the rest of those cheesy eggs, Berniece. Long as Mr. Fancy Pants doesn't want any. (PANTING)

SS: What's Mrs. DeWillers going to call about, Bob?

GK: She's announcing the winner of the Municipal Art Contest — it's a big contest for an art installation on the Commons. A fifty-thousand dollar first prize.

SS: My goodness. That's a nice chunk of change. Hear that, Pops? Fifty-thousand dollars—

TR (POPS): Dream on, Leonardo! Dream on!

GK: So I submitted a drawing. It's entitled The Enormous Chairs.

SS: Enormous Chairs? I thought you were working on collages with chow mein noodles.

GK: I am, Berniece. This is different. This is the Enormous Chairs proposal, made from marble. Fifteen feet tall and six feet wide. For the Commons.

SS: Our Commons??? Here in Hubbard Falls?

GK: Yes, Berniece. Here in Hubbard Falls—

SS: But nobody goes to the Commons, Bob. It's a dog run. It's where dogs do Number Two.

GK: Well, they're trying to change that. They want to make it into a performance space and they want an art installation as a focal point.

SS: Oh.

GK: And I'm submitting my Enormous Chairs proposal. Sort of abstract Chairs. Very dramatic. Want to see the drawing?

TR (POPS): What're you talking about? We got too many chairs already. Room is full of them.

SS: Not here, Pops. In the Commons.

TR (POPS): No, I'd keep the ottoman, just get rid of some of the chairs.

SS: We're talking about Bob's Enormous Chairs, Pops.

TR (POPS): He's going to need an enormous chair. He's got an enormous butt. Right, Rex? (DOG PANTING)

SS: Bob is entering a proposal in a contest. A contest to put art in the Commons.

TR (POPS): The Commons! But that's where Rex goes to tinkle.

GK: You know this is not helping my anxiety one little bit-

SS: You're going to win that prize, I just know it. Don't worry.

GK: I worry all the time.

SS: I liked your noodle collage. The one you made from the fettucine. "Reclining Vertical." I liked that.

GK: Mrs. DeWillers looked at it and laughed.

SS: Well, she doesn't know everything.

GK: David Weezo drilled some holes in a block of Ivory soap and he stuck some red crayons in it and she gushed over him like he was Rodin or something.

SS: Well, I'm sure she'll like your Enormous Chairs. — These are they?

GK: These are what?

SS: Your Enormous Chairs.....

GK: Yes.

SS: They seem sort of big.

GK: They're supposed to be big. As the name implies.

SS: They're too big to sit on.

GK: They're conceptual.

SS: Oh. —They look sort of like tombstones.

GK: They're chairs. Abstract chairs. They'll form a circle and it'll be a performance space.

SS: Performance of what?

GK: I don't know. Storytelling or something.

SS: I see.

TR (POPS): I don't care what they call it, dogs are going to go and pee on it.

GK: Everybody in the community is behind it. The Jaycees, the Rotary, the VFW—

SS: That's wonderful. Hear that, Pops? They have the Jaycees, the vets—

TR (POPS): Don't mention vets, Berniece. Easy, Rex— (DOG GAGS AND VOMITS)

SS: Rex no! Not on the carpet!

TR (POPS): Rex gets upset when he hears the word "vet" — you know that—

GK: I can feel my blood pressure rising, Berniece— I'm going to go sit in my room—

SS: I better get this cleaned up.

TR (POPS): Don't clean it up, Berniece— Rex'll eat it— (DOG PANTING) (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: I've got to get out of here. I've got to rent a room or something— (DOOR CLOSE) If I can just win this prize, I could make a down payment on a house. Live in peace and quiet and get my blood pressure under control. (FASTENS CUFF AROUND ARM, PUMPS PUMP, RELEASES VALVE, HISS) What? Three hundred over 153? That can't be right. —I just need to be calm. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Good work. I'm doing good work. Other people may not see it. But my time will come. Because I am doing good work. My work is good. (PHONE RINGS) Oh my gosh. It's her. I need a pill. (PHONE RING) I'm going to let it ring another ring, just so she doesn't think I'm anxious. (PHONE RING) Don't want her to think I'm sitting here all hot and bothered. Nervous. (PHONE RING Want her to think, hey, I got other stuff going on. It's not all about you, Mrs. DeWillers. (PHONE RING) I mean, I can get my work shown anywhere in this country, it's not — oh my gosh— she's gone. She hung up. That's it. She's probably calling up Weezo now. J. David Weezo. What a phony he is. Why can't she see that? The guy changed the spelling of his name to O-i-x-e-a-u-x. When I knew him, it was W-e-e-z-o. O-i-x-e-a— (PHONE RING) (PICK UP) Yes? This is Bob?

SS (MRS. DeWILLERS, ON PHONE): Bob? It's Mrs. DeWillers. At the Hubbard Falls Arts Center.

GK: Yes. Mrs. DeWillers. How are you? SS (MRS. DEWILLERS): I'm just happy as can be, Bob. This whole arts commons project is coming together beyond my wildest dreams. I was telling Mr. DeWillers about it last night— this is going to be the most wonderful thing to happen in this town in years. We're going to take an old mudpatch and turn it into a public space where people will come to exchange ideas and tell stories and show their work — and this idea of J. David Wee-ZOE of a Giant Table — it's just brilliant. I can't wait to show it to you, Bob. I think you're going to love it.

GK: A giant table?

SS (MRS. DeWILLERS, ON PHONE): It's an enormous marble table which can be used for seating or for performance — it's such a beautiful concept—

GK: I see. Did you receive my Enormous Chairs proposal, Mrs. DeWillers?


GK: Enormous Chairs.

SS (MRS. DeWILLERS, ON PHONE): Oh yes...we certainly did. They were very nice.

GK: They were gigantic marble chairs. You liked them?

SS (MRS. DeWILLERS, ON PHONE): We did but we thought they were somewhat derivative, Bob-

GK: Derivative??!?!

SS (MRS. DeWILLERS, ON PHONE): Obviously you've been influenced by David Wee-ZOE and his oeuvre-as of course we all are-

GK: What oeuvre?? There's no oeuvre there— SS (MRS. DeWILLER, ON PHONE): Which is why we would like to offer you a one-year internship studying under David Wee-ZOE, Bob.

GK: An internship???

SS (MRS. DeWILLERS, ON PHONE): We feel it would help you grow as an artist, Bob. And then you can resubmit for our next contest. We'll be converting the old rendering plant into artist lofts.

GK: I'll call you back, Mrs. Dewillers.

SS (MRS. DeWILLERS, ON PHONE): Think about it, Bob.

GK: Oh I'm going to be thinking about it. Believe me, I'll be thinking about this a lot.

SS (MRS. DeWILLERS, ON PHONE): Well all right, Bob. It was good speaking with you.

GK: You too Mrs. DeWillers. Goodbye.


GK: Go away, Berniece. SS (OFF): What did Mrs. DeWithers say, Bob?

GK: It was the wrong number, Berniece, don't worry about it. SS (OFF): Well all right. Pops and I decided to go to the Rotary Club pancake breakfast. Want to come? (BIG SIGH)

GK: Sure. Why not? SS (OFF): You will? That's wonderful, Bob-we'll see you downstairs...(FOOTSTEPS DESCEND)

GK: I'll go gorge myself on pancakes and then I'll go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and then I'll come home and make a pizza. I'll eat it on the floor. I'm never going to sit at a table again....Never. (THEME) TR (ANNC): The story of Bob, a young artist, was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.(MUSIC UP AND OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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