Café Boeuf script
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Tim Russell (ANNC): Brought to you by the Café Boeuf, where the elite meet to eat...
Tom Keith: (FRENCH)
Garrison Keillor: Maurice, I ordered the candlelit boeuf dinner for two on a platter 40 minutes ago-those people came in after us and they're already on dessert-
TK: Ah, pardon monsieur I did not realize you were in a big rush. Henri (FRENCH) (TR SLOW FRENCH RESPONSE) Non, non, non. Henri (FRENCH) (TR SLOW FRENCH RESPONSE)
Sue Scott: It's okay, honey. I'm fine.
GK: What takes you people so long to make a simple boeuf-
SS: Honey, don't.
TK: A simple boeuf??? A SIMPLE BOEUF?? (FRENCH ANGER) Monsieur, we are French. Nothing is simple for us.
GK: We ordered 40 minutes ago
SS: It's ok, reallywe don't have to be anywhere
GK: It's not ok, everybody else is getting served
TK: We only wish to make your boeuf to perfection (TK FRENCH PERFECTION, TR FRENCH AGREEMENT)
GK: Is your kitchen staff on strike? Huh?
SS: Please. Honey Don't
GK: They're French, honey. They go on strike every fifteen minutes. It's why they have no space program.
TK: (FRENCH CONTEMPT) Americans!!! It's all about fast food for you, isn't it? If you don't care about food, just go to McDonalds'? (FRENCH CONTEMPT) (TR FRENCH AGREEMENT)
GK: So it's because we're Americans that you're taking your time. Okay, if our boeuf doesn't get out here in 30 secondsI'm not paying for the wine. It's lousy wine anyway.
TK (FRENCH INCREDULITY, TR SIMILAR): You say? Lousy wine? You know nothing about wine! Nothing!
SS: Honey, sit down people are looking at us.
GK: Don't be so Midwestern. Let's stand up for ourselves for one.
SS: Sit down, you are embarrassing mewhat is wrong with you??
GK: I've had it. They pour lousy wine and then they make us wait forty minutes for a steak!
TK: That's it!!! You have insulted me one time too many, monsieur. (SLAPS)
SS: Please. Let it go.
GK: He's challenged me to a duel. I am not going to back down.
TK: Your choice of weapons, sir. Forks or food.
GK: A food fight, eh? You think you can take me in a food fight? You're crazy.
SS: Please don't.
GK: I happen to have an aerosol can in my briefcase full of whipped cream.
TK: You have brought your own whipped cream? (TR FRENCH PUZZLEMENT) Why, monsieur? Why?
SS: Honeyforget it.
GK: Because I don't care for your whipped cream, that's why.
TK: I cannot believe what I am hearing. (FRENCH DAZE, TR FRENCH PUZZLEMENT) You do not care for our whipped cream
GK: It's a very ponderous whipped cream
TK: Ponderous!!! Ponderous?? (TR: Ponderous?) Our whipped cream? Ponderous?
GK: I want a light humorous whipped cream, an insouciant whipped cream like this (AEROSOL BLAST)
TK: (FRENCH ANGER, TR TOO)
GK: Bring the boeuf, Maurice. Or else the next shot is going to be on target.
TK: Americans! Why so fascinated with violence? Why?
GK: Bring the boeuf. And while you're at it, bring some for that man over there.
TR (BUSH): Hey, I like your attitude, mister. Enough of the nay-saying let's just get the job done. Need more people like you.
TK: Okay. Henri go get the boeuf. (TR FRENCH) I surrender. (FRENCH) Your boeuf is on the way. Une moment.
GK: Okay. Une moment. But not deux or trois. Une.
TR (ANNC): The Café Boeuf. For a dining experience in the continental style. (TK FRENCH GIBBERISH). An exciting evening awaits you, at the Café Boeuf.