Café Boeuf script
Saturday, September 22, 2007


Tim Russell (ANNC): Brought to you by the Café Boeuf, where the elite meet to eat... (CAFÉ AMBIENCE)

Tom Keith: (FRENCH)

Garrison Keillor: Maurice, I ordered the candlelit boeuf dinner for two on a platter 40 minutes ago-those people came in after us and they're already on dessert-

TK: Ah, pardon monsieur— I did not realize you were in a big rush. Henri— (FRENCH) (TR SLOW FRENCH RESPONSE) — Non, non, non. Henri (FRENCH) (TR SLOW FRENCH RESPONSE)

Sue Scott: It's okay, honey. I'm fine.

GK: What takes you people so long to make a simple boeuf-

SS: Honey, don't.

TK: A simple boeuf??? A SIMPLE BOEUF?? (FRENCH ANGER) Monsieur, we are French. Nothing is simple for us. —

GK: We ordered 40 minutes ago—

SS: It's ok, really—we don't have to be anywhere—

GK: It's not ok, everybody else is getting served—

TK: We only wish to make your boeuf to perfection — (TK FRENCH PERFECTION, TR FRENCH AGREEMENT)

GK: Is your kitchen staff on strike? Huh?

SS: Please. Honey— Don't—

GK: They're French, honey. They go on strike every fifteen minutes. It's why they have no space program.

TK: (FRENCH CONTEMPT) Americans!!! It's all about fast food for you, isn't it? If you don't care about food, just go to McDonalds'? (FRENCH CONTEMPT) (TR FRENCH AGREEMENT)

GK: So it's because we're Americans that you're taking your time. Okay, if our boeuf doesn't get out here in 30 seconds—I'm not paying for the wine. It's lousy wine anyway.

TK (FRENCH INCREDULITY, TR SIMILAR): You say? Lousy wine? You know nothing about wine! Nothing!

SS: Honey, sit down— people are looking at us.

GK: Don't be so Midwestern. Let's stand up for ourselves for one.

SS: Sit down, you are embarrassing me—what is wrong with you??

GK: I've had it. They pour lousy wine and then they make us wait forty minutes for a steak!

TK: That's it!!! You have insulted me one time too many, monsieur. (SLAPS)

SS: Please. Let it go.

GK: He's challenged me to a duel. I am not going to back down.

TK: Your choice of weapons, sir. Forks or food.

GK: A food fight, eh? You think you can take me in a food fight? You're crazy.

SS: Please don't.

GK: I happen to have an aerosol can in my briefcase full of whipped cream.

TK: You have brought your own whipped cream? (TR FRENCH PUZZLEMENT) Why, monsieur? Why?

SS: Honey—forget it.

GK: Because I don't care for your whipped cream, that's why.

TK: I cannot believe what I am hearing. (FRENCH DAZE, TR FRENCH PUZZLEMENT) You do not care for our whipped cream—

GK: It's a very ponderous whipped cream

TK: Ponderous!!! Ponderous?? (TR: Ponderous?) Our whipped cream? Ponderous?

GK: I want a light humorous whipped cream, an insouciant whipped cream— like this— (AEROSOL BLAST)


GK: Bring the boeuf, Maurice. Or else — the next shot is going to be on target.

TK: Americans! Why so fascinated with violence? Why?

GK: Bring the boeuf. And while you're at it, bring some for that man over there.

TR (BUSH): Hey, I like your attitude, mister. Enough of the nay-saying— let's just get the job done. Need more people like you.

TK: Okay. Henri— go get the boeuf. (TR FRENCH) I surrender. (FRENCH) Your boeuf is on the way. Une moment.

GK: Okay. Une moment. But not deux or trois. Une.

TR (ANNC): The Café Boeuf. For a dining experience in the continental style. (TK FRENCH GIBBERISH). An exciting evening awaits you, at the Café Boeuf.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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