Guy Noir script
Saturday, September 22, 2007
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(GUY NOIR THEME)

Sue Scott: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME UP AND OUT)

Garrison Keillor: It was September and I seemed to be on the verge of a movie role — an indie horror flick called "The Mower" in which I would play a private eye who tracks down a serial killer who puts his victims in green leaf bags and then runs over them with a rider mower —

SS: You'd be perfect as a private eye! Perfect!

GK: Yeah, well, that's what I do actually?

SS: You? You're a detective?

GK: Yes.

SS: Oh. (BRIDGE)

GK: They were looking for financing and then a cold front came in and took summer away and all of our illusions with it. My landlady Doris dropped by.

SS (DORIS): Guy, let me just say one word to you, okay? — the word is "Rent". R-e-n-t. It's due the first of the month. It's come and gone. I want to see the r-e-n-t by the 21st, Guy. Or else. And this time I mean the Else. (STING)

GK: And the next day I found temporary employment in the field of airport security. (VOICES OF PEOPLE IN LINE) — Okay, folks — any toothpaste or gels, any liquids, gotta put em in the plastic bags, okay? Have your boarding pass out and ready — any laptops have to come out of the bag and into the tray— okay? Yes?

SS (OLD LADY): Do I have to remove my shoes?

GK: Everybody has to remove their shoes, ma'am. Just take them off and put them on the belt. Okay— any toothpaste or gels, any liquids— gotta put em—

SS (OLD LADY): I can't remove my shoes, I can't reach them.

GK: You can't reach your shoes?

SS (OLD LADY): I can't bend over.

GK: Okay— Lois, want to help this female off with her shoes?

SS (TOUGH): Do it yourself, Noir. You've got hands.

GK: I think according to regulations that a female agent is supposed to —

SS (TOUGH): I'm in charge here, Noir. Take the lady's shoes off. That's an order.

GK: Okay. — Fascist shrew.

SS (TOUGH): What'd you say, Noir?

GK: I said, I'll unfasten the shoe. — Okay, ma'am. Have a seat here—

SS (OLD LADY): These are orthopedic boots, they go all the way up my leg and up to my diaper.

GK: Lois— a little help here. (BRIDGE) And that's how it goes at the airport. All day, on your feet, for not much money. And people getting mad at you.

Tom Keith (IRATE): I'm supposed to be on a plane in ten minutes!!! I've been waiting in line for half an hour!!!

Tim Russell (IRATE): Does anybody in this place speak English? Huh? Are we in America or what? SS (VALLEY): I like, just bought this. What, I have to drink the whole thing here? Like down 20 ounces of Fruity Juice Blast right now??? Ugh!

TR (IRATE): I already showed somebody my boarding pass!!! How many times do you have to look at my boarding pass???

GK: It's always the ones with first-class tickets who cause the problems. Standing on a black pad and telling people over and over to remove their liquids and gels, unpack their laptops, take off their shoes— after a few hours, you start to hallucinate.

TR (REAGAN): Hello there. You probably want to see my boarding pass and my identification.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (REAGAN): I'm just not used to having to carry a boarding pass. I used to have my own plane, you know. Helicopter took me out to Dulles and I just walked on board.

GK: Yes, sir. And who is this you have with you, sir?

TR (REAGAN): Like you to meet my good friend Frank Roosevelt.

GK: I thought I recognized you, sir.

TR (FDR): What is all of this security doing here in an airport, Ron? I told you, all we have to fear is fear itself. And here it is— fear— what is going on here?

GK: You're right about that, Mr. Roosevelt. Absolutely—

TR (FDR): And who is this president they have now? Where did they get him?

TR (REAGAN): Well, I knew him when his father was my vice-president. I thought he was worthless then and I still think so.

SS (TOUGH): Hey. You. Noir. (STING)

GK: Huh? What?

SS (TOUGH): You're talking to yourself.

GK: Oh. Sorry.

SS (TOUGH): And meanwhile ten people have walked past you carrying potentially lethal toothpastes and gels in their carry-ons.

GK: I'm sorry. I guess I dozed off.

TR (RICH GUY): I've been standing in this line for fifteen minutes. I need my cellphone so I can call my Senator. Right now.

GK: Your Senator just walked into the men's room, sir. I think he's got enough going on right now.

TR (JESSE): Hey— I gotta get outa here and on a plane. I am the former governor of Minnesota. You can't do this to me—

GK: Put down the folding chair, sir— take a pill. You need a pill? I'll get you a pill. (STING) Meanwhile, the guy who'd been looking at the scanner screen was starting to lose his sense of focus (TK DELIRIUM) and they had to haul him out and put him in a dark room and Lois assigned me to the scanner position, looking at silhouettes of objects in carry-ons — is that a hair dryer or is that a pistol? Hmmmm. — Bag check!!!!

SS: Do it yourself.

GK: Bob, check the bag for me, wouldja?

TR (DYLAN): (SING) Yes and how many bags must a bag check check before we find us a gun.....

GK: Check the bag, Bob.

TR (DYLAN): (SING) Yes and how many liquids and how many gels — they tell me it's three-one-one

GK: Come on, Bob. Check the bag. TR (DYLAN): (SINGS) It ain't me, babe.
No, no, no— it ain't me, babe. It ain't me who's checking bags, babe.

GK: Bob, please. Just do your job.

TR (REAGAN): Well, here we go again.

GK: Where you off to, Mr. President?

TR (REAGAN): You know, I used to have somebody who told me that and now — I just go wherever I can find an open seat.

GK: Sounds like a plan, sir.

TR (REAGAN): You know, you could be very good in movies.

GK: People have told me that, sir, but it was a long time ago and I haven't heard from them lately.

TR (REAGAN): You could be a private eye.

GK: Yeah. I could. Thanks for the idea.

(THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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