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Rhubarb script
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Listen
Garrison Keillor: You're 16 years old, and it's your big day-you're taking your driver's test. You've done all the hard work, you've made it through driver's ed-(TR DRONING) You've endured hours in your car with your dad.
Tim Russell (DAD, VERY TENSE): Ok, now just take up the clutch- (IDLE REVVING)
TR (TENSE): Just ease up on the clutch-(CAR SPUTTERS AND DIES) You're rolling downhill! (HONKING) Hit the brakes-(SCREECHING TIRES, HONKING) Not the gas, the br— (CRASH, GLASS BREAKAGE, HUBCAP SPINNING)
Sue Scott (TEEN): I didn't hear you. What did you say?
GK: That was the hard part. And now, you sit at the DMV, waiting for your turn for the driver's test.
(A BEAT)
Tom Keith (DRUNK): Hey. You here for a DWI?
SS (TEEN): No.
TK (DRUNK): I'm here on a DWI. Gotta take the test again. — Can I have your phone number?
SS (TEEN): Noo. Ewwwwwww.
GK: 45 minutes later, a man appears with a clipboard—
Martin Sheen: Ashley?
SS (TEEN): Yes?
GK: His pants come up to his armpits, and he has hornrim glasses and
MS: Time to get in the car, Ashley.
SS (TEEN): Ok. Oh my gosh. This is it. (HEARTBEAT)
GK: And now you're behind the wheel. The examiner sits beside you with a clipboard.
MS: Now just pull out here-turn left-
(CAR ACCEL)
GK: It's going okay so far—
MS: Tell me, Ashley-how many seconds should you leave between you and the car in front of you?
SS (TEEN): Um. Um. Ok. Let me see. Five?
(A BEAT, SCRIBBLING)
MS: Mmm hmmmm. I see.
GK: Were you wrong? Were you right? You try to steal a glance at his clipboard—(SS NERVOUS HUMMING) and that's when the dog runs out in front of your car. (BARKING)
MS: Look out—
GK: And you swerve to miss it (TIRES SCREECHING) and now you're right in the path of an oncoming Mack Truck (GIANT HORN)
MS: No!
GK: You swerve the wrong way down a one-way street (TIRES SCREECH, HORNS HONKING) and now the dog is chasing you (BARKING, OFF)
MS: Pull over! Pull over!
GK: So you do, but now you're right in front of a fire hydrant, and here comes a fire truck (SIREN)
TR (ON BULLHORN): Out of the way, out of the way-
GK: And you look up and the building right next to you is on fire, (FIRE) so you pull out just as someone jumps from a second story window and lands on your sun roof—(THUMP) his head and shoulders there in the front seat with you.
TR: Hey! I made it!
GK: And then the fire engine rear-ends you (CRASH) and you panic-
SS (TEEN): Aiiiii!
GK: And you hit the gas
MS: Stop stop stop stop stop-
GK: And you steer right into a drive-through window-
TR (ON INTERCOM): Welcome to Burger King how can I— (SCREAM CRASH)
GK: And you crash right through the ordering console and steam is coming out of the hood (HISSING) (CAR REV)
MS: Ashley-stop
SS (TEEN): What?
MS: Stop the car!! Stop it right now!
SS (TEEN): Oh, ok. (SCREECH OF BRAKES) Um, do you want me to parallel park?
MS: No.
SS (TEEN): Ok. Um. So did I pass?
(A BEAT)
(THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
(DUET)
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
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