Crispy script
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Listen

Tim Russell (ANNC): And now, the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box. And now, today's story.

(MUSIC FADE FOR...)

(HISSING, BUBBLING)

Garrison Keillor: (ECHOES) Hello? Hello? Is anybody up there? I'm down here in this deep hole — I was hit by a meteorite and it's hot down here and the meteorite is on my leg-and it's steaming...

(FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)

Sue Scott: Hello? Hello, is somebody down there?

GK (ECHOES): Yes, I'm down here—

SS: I can't see you, sir—

GK (ECHOES): It's dark but I'm here. Take my word for it.—

SS: What are you doing down there?

(A BEAT)

GK (ECHOES): I'm pinned, motionless, under a meteorite that hit me as I was walking across the meadow with my alpacas. —

SS: Well how did you get down there?

GK (ECHOES): Can you hear what I'm telling you?

SS: I hear you loud and clear.

GK (ECHOES): I was in the meadow with my alpacas and I got hit by a meteorite, ok? That's why the deep hole in the ground.

SS: Your voice is rather familiar. Aren't you on the radio?

GK (ECHOES): I used to be but now I raise alpacas.

SS: Didn't you have some sort of a radio cooking show?

GK: No, I didn't.

SS: You roasted peppers on the air and taught people how to stuff them. I loved that—

GK (ECHOES): It wasn't me--could you just get help? I'm trying to call Earl Sanderson, the Eagle Scout-

SS: That wasn't you with the marmalade glaze?

GK: I had a variety show, ok? And now I raise alpacas.

SS: A variety show? Huh. I don't think I ever heard it—

GK: You know, I have a meteorite on my leg right now—

SS: A lot of people tell me I've got the voice for radio.

GK: Could you just call Earl Sanderson, please? The Eagle Scout—

SS: I know. I'm his assistant. I book all of Earl's rescues for him.

GK (ECHOES): Great. Then call him and tell him to bring Crispy, the Rescue Dog

SS: Earl!!! Earl??? Over here. (FOOTSTEPS IN GRAVEL)

TR: Hmmmm. Interesting. A deep crevasse with steam coming up out of it. My hunch is that a meteorite struck here. (DOG BARK, ALPACAS) Whose alpacas are these?

SS: His. Down there. The man trapped at the bottom of this pit with a meteorite on his leg-(ALPACA)

GK: Hello—I'm down here—

TR: Evidently this alpaca is yours— (ALPACA) Judging from the fact that he's standing at the edge of the hole and looking down—

GK: Don't let her fall in here.

TR: I'm not sure it's a her. Let me check. (ALPACA)

GK: It doesn't matter. Just make sure she doesn't fall on me. We don't need an alpaca in the hole.

(ALPACA, PAWING)

SS: We'd better do something, Earl.

GK: Yes, please—do something—

TR: What's my schedule look like today, Miss Hawthorne?

SS: You're scheduled for a quicksand rescue in fifteen minutes, Earl. A couple of hikers.

TR: Quicksand—they told me they were cleaning out that quicksand pit.

SS: They did and it reappeared a hundred feet away.

TR: Oh. What else do I have going on today?

SS: Let's see....You have a woman clinging to a slippery rock just feet from the lip of a giant waterfall, at noon. And a woman in a tree, under attack by a giant cougar. A wounded cougar...and your urologist at three.

TR: This isn't that same cougar that—

SS: It is, sir.

TR: I guess the aversion therapy didn't work then.

GK (ECHOES): Hello? Is that Earl Sanderson?

TR: Yes. (DOG BARK) I'm here—

GK: I'm in a lot of pain, here—Could you hurry it up—

SS: He used to be in radio. Recognize the voice?

GK (ECHOES): I'm pinned under the meteorite and there are rats—(RATS)

TR: I once earned a merit badge on meteorites—and I recall that they carry noxious gases. (DOG BARKS)

GK (ECHOES): Yes. Green noxious gases.

SS: Do you feel woozy or nauseated?

GK (ECHOES): Why don't you come down here and find out?

TR: Stand back, Miss Hawthorne. It sounds like he's having a severe psychosomatic reaction (DOG PANTING)

GK (ECHOES): It's pain-that's what I'm having--

SS: Earl is simply trying to assess the situation, sir. (DOG BARKS) Rescues like this are very dangerous—

GK (ECHOES): It's dangerous for me too. How long does he need to assess before he gets the meteorite off me?

SS: Listen to me, sir. You're getting panicky. You're alarming the alpacas. (ALPACA)

GK: Would you please move them away from the hole?

TR: One thing I've learned as an Eagle Scout, sir, is that each and every rescue attempt is different and before rushing in willy-nilly, it behooves a rescuer to get a firm grip on the situation and understand the circumstances and the environment. I like to know exactly what I'm getting into before I dive in.

GK (ECHOES): You know what, you're the stupidest Eagle Scout I ever met.

SS: Sir— keep a civil tongue.

GK (ECHOES): No, I mean it. You have the brains of a potted plant. Just forget it. I'll just die down here, not a problem. Apparently you're busy. Just go and forget that we ever talked—

SS: Just calm down, sir, and take deep breaths.

GK (ECHOES): I have noxious gases going on.

SS: Ok, then take shallow breaths.

TR: I'm going to lower Crispy down with this rope. (GROWLING, CLANKING) Hang on, I just have to put on this harness—hook him up to the winch, here—(WINCH CLANKING)

GK (ECHOES): You're not going to come down yourself? You're sending your dog down?

TR: Crispy has a lot of experience with pit rescues. He's better at digging. (GROWLING)

GK (ECHOES): How is a dog on a rope going to get me out of here??

SS: Calm down, sir. We're doing our best.

GK (ECHOES): Calm down? Why don't you get down here and put a meteor on your leg and inhale noxious green space fumes, and then you calm down. (HISSING, BUBBLING)

SS: I'm taking a time out. I don't need this, you know that? I'm doing my best up here and all you can do is complain, complain, complain— (ALPACA) oh oh— look out (ALPACA PANIC) (FALLING) (BIG THUMP, GK OOMMPH) (PAUSE) Are you all right? —Sir?

TR: What happened?

SS: Alpaca in the hole.

TR: Oh. —Sir? How are you doing?

(ALPACA)

GK: I've got a meteorite on my leg and I'm breathing noxious gases and now I have a 300 pound alpaca spread-eagled on my chest — how do you think I'm doing?

TR: He's coming down, sir. Crispy the Rescue Dog is on his way. (DOG WHINING) Can you see him yet?

GK (ECHOES): No, I can't. I can't really see anything— there's too much gas—

TR: He's coming down. Should be there any minute.

GK (ECHOES): You know, we're talking about a 400-pound meteorite here—plus the alpaca..... (WINCHING)

TR: One step at a time, sir.

GK (ECHOES): I just don't see what a dog is going to do—

TR: He should be down there by now. Do you see him? (WINCHING, PANTING)

GK (ECHOES): Yes, he's here. I can feel his breath on my face. (HEAVY PANTING)

TR: Good. (ALPACA)

GK: And he's making the alpaca nervous.

(PANTING, CREAKING WINCH, A BEAT)

GK (ECHOES): You're sure this is the best way to get me out of here (DOG PANTING)

TR: Trust me, sir. I am an Eagle Scout, after all.

GK (ECHOES): Yes, I know, but—

TR: Put your finger in Crispy's mouth.

GK (ECHOES): Yes? (DOG PANTING)

TR: Feel the pills?

GK (ECHOES): Yes. Two of them.

TR: Those are aspirin. For the pain.

GK (ECHOES): Aspirin?

TR: Take them. They'll help.

GK (ECHOES): They have dog spit on them.

TR: That's to help them go down easier. — Now Crispy is going to wind the chain around the meteorite and I'm going to lift, okay?

GK: What about the alpaca? (ALPACA)

TR: I have a hypodermic full of a powerful anesthetic and I'm going to shoot it with my dart gun and hit the alpaca in the hinder and put him out and then I'll lift the alpaca up by its ankle.

GK: Are you sure this is going to work?

TR: Trust me. I have a merit badge in hypodermics. (GUNSHOT) — (ALPACA) Sir? I've anesthetized the alpaca and now I'm going to —(ALPACA) Sir? How are we doing down there? Sir? (ALPACA) (THEME)

TR (ANNC): The Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout, and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box.

THEME OUT