Crispy Script
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Listen

TR (ANNC): And now, the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box. And now, today's story.

(GK STRUGGLING, SUCKING QUICKSAND)

GK: Help! Help! This is just great. (STRUGGLING) Quicksand. I'm stuck. (QUICKSAND) Help!

(FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, WHISTLING)

SS: Oh my goodness. Is someone there?

GK: Yes! I'm here. In the quicksand.

SS: I don't see you. Where are you?

GK: I'm down here. Down-and to your left--

SS: Oh! There you are. Why are you so small? Are you a dwarf?

GK: I'm sunk in quicksand up to my waist. (QUICKSAND) Actually I'm six feet tall.

SS: Well how did you get in there?

GK: I was just walking home with this 20-pound turkey and two bags of Christmas gifts, and I took a wrong step and it just sucked me in--I'm sinking- (QUICKSAND)

SS: I see the gifts, sir-(WHISTLES) quite a lot of them, too---

GK: Yes, could you hurry please?

SS: But I don't see the turkey. Are you sure you were carrying a turkey, sir?

GK: The turkey sank into the quicksand. It's gone. I felt it slide past my leg. Could you help, maybe? Give me a hand?

SS: I've had quite a bit of experience with quicksand victims and you're never supposed to give them a hand --- they're apt to pull you right in with them.

GK: How about a stick? A length of rope? Anything?

SS: Let me call Earl Sanderson.

GK: Okay but I'm sinking here. (QUICKSAND)

SS: You didn't see that big sign? The one that says Danger, Quicksand, Keep Out?

GK: I didn't - I was carrying the turkey- Could you just call somebody?

SS: I'll call Earl Sanderson the Eagle Scout. I saw him just up the trail.

GK: I'm up to my chest now---please--- you could take off your jeans and pull me out with those----

SS: Excuse me?

GK: I wouldn't look, I swear--it's just that I'm desperate. Okay? I'm almost up to my armpits.

SS: Yeah right you wouldn't look.

GK: Just call Earl Sanderson, please---

SS: --- Just a sec. ---- (SLOW BEEPING) E-A-R-L.. it's J-E-S-S-

GK: You're texting him? You couldn't just call him?

SS: Earl is more comfortable with text messages.

GK: Yeah, and I'd feel more comfortable out of this pit.

SS: Excuse me, I didn't come here to get yelled at, ok?

GK: Well I didn't come here to get trapped in quicksand, either-

SS: There was a warning sign.

GK: Whatever! Isn't there someone around here with a winch? Help! Help!

SS: You know, the irony is that the harder you struggle, the faster you sink. There may be a lesson in there for you. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)

TR: Hello? Did somebody call me?

GK: Yes. Get me out of here.

TR: What's going on here, Miss Hawthorne?

SS: He was carrying some gifts and a turkey and he walked right into the quicksand.

TR: Sir. If you stop thrashing around and keep perfectly still you'll float up to the surface-

GK: I'm not thrashing-I'm just trying to get out--

SS: Just breathe, sir. Relax, and breathe deeply, from the diaphragm--

GK: I know how to breathe, ok? It would be helpful if you could throw me a rope-

TR: A negative attitude is only going to sink you deeper.

SS: The gifts seem to be floating on the surface, Earl. It means they're very light. Looks like CDs and acrylic sweaters.

GK: Help. I don't know how much more clearly I can say it. Help.

(DOG RUNNING THROUGH BRUSH, PANTING, BRIGHT CHORD)

TR: Oh look! Here comes Crispy the Rescue Dog. (ARF ARF) Good boy.

(DOG PANTS)

TR: Good boy. Sit. (WOOF) Okay sir, What we need to do is get underneath you with a hose, and start supersaturating the soil with water, which will re-liquify the quicksand making it easier to do the extraction.

GK: Ok. Great. A plan. Let's do it.

TR: On the other hand we're a long way from a water connector----

GK: I'm up to my chin now. My arms are pinned to my sides--- I can't even see you now. I have my head tilted so my mouth and nose are above the sand-

(ARF ARF)

TR: We're still here, sir. We're thinking.

(BARKING)

GK: Before I leave this world, I'd just like to say that you two are the worst rescuers I ever heard of.

SS: I hear somebody coming.

TR: Sounds like a truck or something.

GK: You're two people whose incompetence is only exceeded by your self-confidence -

(BIG TRUCK BACKING IN, CRUNCHING OF TREES, AND STOPS)

(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS)


TK: This where the power line's supposed to go?

GK: Do you have a winch on that truck?

TK: Sure. Who said that?

GK: Me. The pair of lips moving at the top of this quicksand.

TR: We're trying to get him to relax.

SS: Yeah, and he won't do it. He's uncooperative.

GK: Lower your winch down and I'll try to (SQUORTS AND SPLORTS) get my arms up above my head. (SQUORTS) There.

TK: Wow. There's a guy in there. What you want me to do? Pull you out? Okay. (FOOTSTEPS) (WINCH LOWERS) Grab on, mister. (MOTOR, HUGE SUCKING SOUND AND POP) (MOTOR) There you go.

GK: Wow. I'm out. I didn't die.

TK: Twenty-five bucks.

GK: You know something, my wallet got lost in the quicksand.

TK: Well, maybe one of your friends here would lend you the dough.

SS: -----Don't look at me.

GK: You couldn't give me twenty-five bucks----

TR: I'd rather give it to charity.

GK: (SIGHS) Just take those gifts then.

TK: Oh. But what's in there?

GK: CDs and acrylic sweaters, okay? Just take it.

TK: Oh. What CDs?

GK: A bunch of them, okay? There's a turkey down there somewhere, too. You can take that, too.

TK: Oh.

SS: Uh oh, Earl.

TR: What?

SS: Where is he? Crispy-
(A BEAT)


TR: Well he was right here-

SS: He dove down for the turkey.

TR: Crispy?? Crispy??
(A BEAT, BUBBLING)

SS: Oh no--

TR: Nose up, Crispy, nose up!
(MUFFLED DOG BARK)

TK: Guess I'll hook that winch back up.
(THEME)

TR (ANNC): This has been the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout, and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box.
(THEME OUT)