Crispy Script
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Listen

TR (ANNC): And now, the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box. And now, today's story.

(GK STRUGGLING, SUCKING QUICKSAND)

GK: Help! Help! This is just great. (STRUGGLING) Quicksand. I'm stuck. (QUICKSAND) Help!

(FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, WHISTLING)

SS: Oh my goodness. Is someone there?

GK: Yes! I'm here. In the quicksand.

SS: I don't see you. Where are you?

GK: I'm down here. Down-and to your left--

SS: Oh! There you are. Why are you so small? Are you a dwarf?

GK: I'm sunk in quicksand up to my waist. (QUICKSAND) Actually I'm six feet tall.

SS: Well how did you get in there?

GK: I was just walking home with this 20-pound turkey and two bags of Christmas gifts, and I took a wrong step and it just sucked me in--I'm sinking- (QUICKSAND)

SS: I see the gifts, sir-(WHISTLES) quite a lot of them, too---

GK: Yes, could you hurry please?

SS: But I don't see the turkey. Are you sure you were carrying a turkey, sir?

GK: The turkey sank into the quicksand. It's gone. I felt it slide past my leg. Could you help, maybe? Give me a hand?

SS: I've had quite a bit of experience with quicksand victims and you're never supposed to give them a hand --- they're apt to pull you right in with them.

GK: How about a stick? A length of rope? Anything?

SS: Let me call Earl Sanderson.

GK: Okay but I'm sinking here. (QUICKSAND)

SS: You didn't see that big sign? The one that says Danger, Quicksand, Keep Out?

GK: I didn't - I was carrying the turkey- Could you just call somebody?

SS: I'll call Earl Sanderson the Eagle Scout. I saw him just up the trail.

GK: I'm up to my chest now---please--- you could take off your jeans and pull me out with those----

SS: Excuse me?

GK: I wouldn't look, I swear--it's just that I'm desperate. Okay? I'm almost up to my armpits.

SS: Yeah right you wouldn't look.

GK: Just call Earl Sanderson, please---

SS: --- Just a sec. ---- (SLOW BEEPING) E-A-R-L.. it's J-E-S-S-

GK: You're texting him? You couldn't just call him?

SS: Earl is more comfortable with text messages.

GK: Yeah, and I'd feel more comfortable out of this pit.

SS: Excuse me, I didn't come here to get yelled at, ok?

GK: Well I didn't come here to get trapped in quicksand, either-

SS: There was a warning sign.

GK: Whatever! Isn't there someone around here with a winch? Help! Help!

SS: You know, the irony is that the harder you struggle, the faster you sink. There may be a lesson in there for you. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)

TR: Hello? Did somebody call me?

GK: Yes. Get me out of here.

TR: What's going on here, Miss Hawthorne?

SS: He was carrying some gifts and a turkey and he walked right into the quicksand.

TR: Sir. If you stop thrashing around and keep perfectly still you'll float up to the surface-

GK: I'm not thrashing-I'm just trying to get out--

SS: Just breathe, sir. Relax, and breathe deeply, from the diaphragm--

GK: I know how to breathe, ok? It would be helpful if you could throw me a rope-

TR: A negative attitude is only going to sink you deeper.

SS: The gifts seem to be floating on the surface, Earl. It means they're very light. Looks like CDs and acrylic sweaters.

GK: Help. I don't know how much more clearly I can say it. Help.

(DOG RUNNING THROUGH BRUSH, PANTING, BRIGHT CHORD)

TR: Oh look! Here comes Crispy the Rescue Dog. (ARF ARF) Good boy.

(DOG PANTS)

TR: Good boy. Sit. (WOOF) Okay sir, What we need to do is get underneath you with a hose, and start supersaturating the soil with water, which will re-liquify the quicksand making it easier to do the extraction.

GK: Ok. Great. A plan. Let's do it.

TR: On the other hand we're a long way from a water connector----

GK: I'm up to my chin now. My arms are pinned to my sides--- I can't even see you now. I have my head tilted so my mouth and nose are above the sand-

(ARF ARF)

TR: We're still here, sir. We're thinking.

(BARKING)

GK: Before I leave this world, I'd just like to say that you two are the worst rescuers I ever heard of.

SS: I hear somebody coming.

TR: Sounds like a truck or something.

GK: You're two people whose incompetence is only exceeded by your self-confidence -

(BIG TRUCK BACKING IN, CRUNCHING OF TREES, AND STOPS)

(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS)


TK: This where the power line's supposed to go?

GK: Do you have a winch on that truck?

TK: Sure. Who said that?

GK: Me. The pair of lips moving at the top of this quicksand.

TR: We're trying to get him to relax.

SS: Yeah, and he won't do it. He's uncooperative.

GK: Lower your winch down and I'll try to (SQUORTS AND SPLORTS) get my arms up above my head. (SQUORTS) There.

TK: Wow. There's a guy in there. What you want me to do? Pull you out? Okay. (FOOTSTEPS) (WINCH LOWERS) Grab on, mister. (MOTOR, HUGE SUCKING SOUND AND POP) (MOTOR) There you go.

GK: Wow. I'm out. I didn't die.

TK: Twenty-five bucks.

GK: You know something, my wallet got lost in the quicksand.

TK: Well, maybe one of your friends here would lend you the dough.

SS: -----Don't look at me.

GK: You couldn't give me twenty-five bucks----

TR: I'd rather give it to charity.

GK: (SIGHS) Just take those gifts then.

TK: Oh. But what's in there?

GK: CDs and acrylic sweaters, okay? Just take it.

TK: Oh. What CDs?

GK: A bunch of them, okay? There's a turkey down there somewhere, too. You can take that, too.

TK: Oh.

SS: Uh oh, Earl.

TR: What?

SS: Where is he? Crispy-
(A BEAT)


TR: Well he was right here-

SS: He dove down for the turkey.

TR: Crispy?? Crispy??
(A BEAT, BUBBLING)

SS: Oh no--

TR: Nose up, Crispy, nose up!
(MUFFLED DOG BARK)

TK: Guess I'll hook that winch back up.
(THEME)

TR (ANNC): This has been the Adventures of Earl Sanderson, Eagle Scout, and his dog Crispy (ARF ARF) Brought to you by Tasty Morsels Breakfast Cereal...the nutritious oat cereal with a valuable prize in every single box.
(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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