Rhubarb script
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Listen

GK: You were headed off to see your in-laws for Thanksgiving-(TR: Oh boy) — and you couldn't get away until late afternoon Wednesday and (HORNS) there was a traffic jam at the airport that went on for miles... and you turned to your wife and you said—

TR: Honey—

SS: Oh go ahead and say it—

TR: I'm just—

SS: I know what you're going to say, so just say it—

TR: I was only going to say that—

SS: You don't want to go. I know it. You never cared about my family. (SOBBING) You never cared about my family whatsoever.

TR: Oh boy.

GK: So you pressed onward (HORNS—

TR: Outta the way, numbskull! Watch your back!!! Coming through!!!) and you parked in the ramp and you headed for the terminal (RUNNING,

TR: Come on, honey. Hustle) and the scene inside was a madhouse (YELLING, DUELLING WITH SWORDS)— you arrived at the airport 3 1/2 hours early for your flight, but still there was a long line of very irritable people barking at each other (VARIETY OF BARKING, WOOFING)— and you got a boarding pass out of the computer terminal (BEEPS) and the clerk tossed your luggage onto the belt—

TR: You know, if you could be a little careful with that, there are— (FN BIG HEAVE, CRASH, CRUNCH OF GLASS) — wine bottles in there. (CHORD) —and you got into line for the security checkpoint — it was about a mile long — (CLOCK TICKING) — you waited patiently for an hour and a half —

SS: You okay?

TR: Sure. Fine. Having a great time.

SS: (SOBBING) You don't want to go. I can tell. You don't care about my family. (PIANO)

GK: Finally you got to the front of the line, right behind a woman who was taking her sweet time — (FN WOMAN HUMMING, UNCLASPING) taking off her shoes and chugging her bottle of water (CHUGGING WATER, AHHH) and removing her earrings (CLINK), her belt buckle (CLANGING), her bracelets (SERIES OF LARGE METALLIC CLANKS) emptying the change out of her pockets (CHANGE)—

TR: Y'know, there was a line of people back there, lady.

SS (DEEP): Back off, jerk.

TR: How about you try moving forward?

SS: Please, Ralph. Don't make a scene.

TR: Hey. It's Cleopatra Queen of the Nile here who's making the scene.

SS (DEEP): Officer—???? Officer????

TR: Oh for crying out loud.

(FOOTSTEPS)

FN (GRUFF): Okay, sir— out of line— into the security line— take a red tray.

TR: Oh for petes sake— (STING)

GK: So they ran you through the metal detector and in behind the curtain and you stripped down to your shorts and the security agent wanded you (WANDING)—and again (BEEP), and again (WANDING), and then in came the German Shepherd (SNIFFING) and he sniffed you —

TR: Hey. What're you doing?

FN (DOG): You talking to me?

TR: Yes.

FN (DOG): I'm sniffing you. (SNIFFING)

TR: I'm a little sensitive back there.

FN (DOG): Yeah, well, this isn't exactly a ride in the wine country for me, either.

(FN SNIFFS, TR WHOOPS)

GK: And finally they let you go and you got dressed and—

TR: Where's Marla?

GK: She was gone. She must've gotten on board the plane. (FAST FOOTSTEPS) You knew she'd never forgive you if you didn't make it. (RUNNING) So you tore down to the gate and you dashed onboard just as the door was closing (AIR PRESSURE DOOR CLOSE) and you got seat 35 E-the middle seat-right between a person who probably should have bought two seats (TR SQUEEZES IN), and a woman with a small aggressive dog (YIPS) and you sort of wedged in there (TR DISCOMFORT) and the big guy started snoring (SNORING) and the dog was upset at that (GROWLING) and you could see that this was going to be a long flight (SNORE, GROWL, SNORE, GROWL) and the plane pushed back from the gate and then the pilot came on (STATIC)

FN (PILOT): Welcome to Northwest. We're glad to have you aboard. Our estimated flight time to Anchorage will be approximately 5 hours

TR: Anchorage!!!! I'm going to Tallahassee. Hey!!!

SS: Sir, sit down sir—

TR: I'm on the wrong plane! I need to get off! (SNORING, BARKING)

SS: I'm going to need to see a photo ID to let you off the plane, sir—

TR: It's right here-it's in my-uh oh. My wallet—

SS: Sir-please have a seat

TR: But it was right here—

FN (PILOT, ON INTERCOM): Passengers please fasten your seat belts for takeoff (TAKEOFF)

(THEME)

Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.