Plumber script
Saturday, December 1, 2007
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GK (ANNC): ...brought to you by the American Plumbing Foundation. .... Life in New York City is tenuous...a day-to-day thing — we ride on 100-year-old train tracks, some of the water mains go back to the Civil War, you ride on an elevator, you don't want to look at the inspection certificate — you live on trust here and every time you flush a toilet (FLUSHING) —

SS: Uh oh. Oooooh boy—(GUSHING, BUBBLING) Oh my gosh. Why did this have to happen today? Of all days? I'm expecting guests.

GK (ANNC): It's time to call a plumber. But who? Here is a New York plumber. (PHONE RINGS THREE TIMES)

SS: Oh my gosh, pick up, pick up, pick up please pick up pick up—

(PICKUP)

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): You have reached DeLuxe Plumbing. Thank you for your call. We are either on the phone or else we are gone for the day. Leave a message. Please do not yell or use profanity or we will not return your call.

GK: Here is Earl, a Minnesota plumber. (PICKUP)

TR (ON PHONE): Hi there—this is Earl. How can I help?

SS: Oh Earl. Thank you for picking up. (VOICE BREAKS) I don't know what happened but I'm having guests over tonight and my toilet is all backed up.

TR (ON PHONE): Oh my gosh. That's terrible. Okay, I'm on my way to the airport. There's a flight about three. I can be there by seven.

SS: Please. Hurry. (SLOSHING) Ohhh, this is not good. Not good.

GK: And here is the New York plumber, if he calls back at all.

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): Soonest I can get over there is Wednesday.

SS: Wednesday!! This is my only toilet.

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): Hey, the holidays are a busy season for me, okay? A lot of people putting a lot of pressure on the system, if you know what I mean—

GK: Earl, on the other hand, is there in New York in four hours, maybe five, depending on landing patterns at LaGuardia and traffic getting into the city, but when he gets there he's ready to serve you.

TR (MINNESOTA): Just let me get my snake out here—- (MOTOR REV, LIKE DRILL) —boy, it was tough getting this through airport security, let me tell you—okay—just put that down there—(MOTOR REV, BIG SUCKING SOUND) — there. All clear. I'll just grab a mop and clean up.

SS: How can I ever thank you?!! You saved my life!!!! Look, I'll just write you a blank check and you fill in whatever amount you want, okay?

TR (MINNESOTA): Oh, I'd say ten dollars ought to about do it for me.

(BRIDGE)

GK: This is not the experience you get with a New York plumber.

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): Have you tried jiggling the handle?

SS: I've jiggled the handle. Nothing's happening.

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): Listen, I come up there I gotta charge 200 bucks, just to walk in the door.

SS: I don't care. Just get here please, okay?

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): Try this then. Just lift up the seat and let it fall.

SS: What, the toilet seat?

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): Yeah. The toilet seat. Lift it up and let it fall back down.

SS: I just don't know what that's going to do.

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): It's going to fix your toilet.

SS: You know I think the problem is actually inside the toilet.

TR (NEW YORK, ON PHONE): You know lady if I'm talking to you for another minute I'm gonna have to bill you for an hour.

SS: Oh just forget it. I'll call Earl.

(BRIDGE)

GK: And so you did call Earl, and five hours later your toilet is fixed.

TR (MINNESOTA): Sure wouldn't mind a cup of that coffee there. — boy, that coffeecake sure looks good. You make that yourself?

SS: Sure. You want some to take with you?

TR (MINNESOTA): No, I'd just take it on a plate, if it's not too much trouble.

GK: His plane doesn't leave until morning, so you've got a house guest.

TR (MINNESOTA): Boy my granddaughter loves coffeecake. I've got a picture of her in my wallet.

TR (MINNESOTA): Here — Megan-it sounds like it should be spelled Meh-gan but she wants to be called Mee-gan-who knows, with the kids these days, everybody wants to be special, and why not, I say, to each his own. Or his or her own, as the case may be-feminism, you know. I don't have a problem with it.

SS: Ohhkay-gosh, is it getting dark already?

GK: But Minnesotans do not take hints. They come over and they fix your toilet and suddenly there's someone who's going to be sending you Christmas cards for the rest of your life.

TR (MINNESOTA): Couch is just fine with me. Boy, this is a small apartment, isn't it. Nice though. (FADING) Nice view of those other apartments over there. Boy, wouldja look at that. What are those people doing? My gosh.

GK: The New York plumber won't get here until Wednesday, the Minnesota plumber might not leave until Wednesday. So there's your options. Either way, you can't get along without a plumber. A message from the American Plumbing Foundation.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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