Mom script
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Listen

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): And now, the story of one man, his mother, and the 8.6 miles of copper wire that separate them. It's Duane. The Chosen Son.

(PHONE RINGS THREE TIMES, PICKUP)

GK: Hello?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane? Is that you honey?

GK: Hi mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I don't want to bother you, Duane, I know how busy you are. I just called to find out your sweater size.

GK: Mom, I don't need a sweater. I have three that you've given me in the past. Still in plastic wrappers. I'm saving them.

SS You're so sarcastic. You know that? I hope you wear that nice argyle plaid one I gave you. You look so good in argyle plaid. The green one. Remember?

GK: I remember.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Not that I'm going to get you a sweater for Christmas, Duane, because to be honest, I haven't decided yet, but just in case, are you a large, or an extra-large?

GK: I'm a medium, Mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): A medium!! (LAUGHS) Oh, Duane. Oh now that is a good one. Go get a tape measure.

GK: Mom, I don't have time to look for a tape measure.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Go get a tape measure and wrap it around your midsection-the thick part-- and tell me what the number is.

GK: Shouldn't you be addressing Christmas cards or something?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I think a medium would look very unflattering on you. You'd look like a bratwurst.

GK: I'm waiting for a call, Mother---

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): It's not that woman I saw you with last week is it? The heavy one with the wig?

GK: What woman was that?

SS I just happened to be walking past the Goosey Lucy and looked in and there she was hauling pork roasts out of the freezer section like there was no tomorrow. You were helping her. She was wearing those pink pants. And a platinum wig.

GK: Mother, she was somebody I used to know ---- I ran into her at the store and that was her hair.

SS How did you know?

GK: I could see.

SS Did you pull on it?

GK: No, I did not.

SS So how did you know then?

GK: Mother-look, I'm really busy here-

SS Well we're busy too, Duane, you know. Your dad and I both.

GK: I'm sure you are.

SS Speaking of your dad, he's right here, you want to talk to him-

GK: Maybe later mom-

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE: (OFF) Hank! Hank!

(GK SIGH)

TR (MIDWESTERN, OFF): What.

SS (MIDWESTERN, OFF): It's Duane. Your son. He wants to talk to you.

TR (MIDWESTERN, OFF): About what?

SS (MIDWESTERN, OFF): Well I don't know you'll have to ask him--

(PICKUP)

TR (MIDWESTERN): Hello.

GK: Hi dad. (A BEAT) How you doing?

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Pretty good. Yourself?

GK: Oh, can't complain.

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah. Same here.

GK: You keeping busy?

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Pretty busy. (LONG BEAT) What you up to?

GK: Oh, you know. The usual.

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well, I'll give you back to your mom then.

GK: Good talking to you dad.

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Bye son. (OFF) Here he is.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane? Honey are you still there?

GK: Let me call you back, mother, okay? I'll call you back with my measurements when I get a chance.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): When you get a chance. When is that? December 24th?

GK: Mother-

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Why not just wait until I'm dead, Duane.

GK: Oh, please-really, I have to go-

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Why not just shove me out of a speeding car?

GK: Mom, please.

SS (MIDWESTERN ON PHONE): That's right, Duane. We'll just get in your car and drive across Wisconsin some night when it's 40 below zero and you slip me a mickey finn and when I'm starting to nod off, you open the door and push me out in the ditch.

GK: Mom, come on.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): (CRACKS) Leave me there in a snowbank with all those cougars watching from the bushes-you just leave me there and you go call up Miss Pork Roast and ask her to marry you. (SOBS)

GK: Listen, mother. I'll find a piece of string, and I'll wrap it around my waist and I'll cut it where it meets the other end, and I'll send it to you in the mail, okay? Then you can measure it from there.

SS (MIDWESTERN, SNIFFLING, ON PHONE): And you'll do that today?

GK: I'll do it later, mother, okay?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Well it's always so wonderful to talk to you, honey.

GK: I know mom. Talk to you later.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): And I'll be looking forward to getting that string, honey.

GK: Bye mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Bye honey. Love you.

(HANGUP)

TR (ANNC): Is Duane a medium after all? Or is he an extra-large? And was it a wig after all? Find out next time on Duane: The Chosen Son.