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Rhubarb script
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Listen
GK: You're doing well in New York, you a Minnesotan, you're sort of proud of adapting to the city, you've learned how to yell at people (TR: Hey watch where you're going!!!), and you like your job at the Federated Association of Organizations (TR: Now as I see it, the answer here is resource imaging....Is everybody on the same page there?) But you're flying home to Minnesota for Christmas— you didn't want to go but (SS WEEPING ON PHONE) Grandma is not feeling well, it'd mean so much, so you cancel your tickets to Mexico (TR: DANG IT) and you head for LaGuardia and you hail a cab (BRAKES) which reeks of vanilla air-freshener (WHEEZE) —the driver is from some country (TR ARABIC) and he doesn't understand the LaGuardia concept (TR ARABIC — "LAGUARDIA" "LAGUARDIA" ETC.) and you try to pantomime (FN: AIRPORT, AIRPORT...SEE? SFX. PLANE FLYING OVER—TR ARABIC: HA!!!! CAR REV) and he thinks you meant lawnmowers so he's taking you to a garden supply store in the Bronx (CAR SWERVES, HORNS, REV UP) and you finally get through to him by smashing your luggage...
GK: (BIG CRUNCH— TR: AHA! AIRLINE!!!) (BRAKES, SWERVE) and now you're headed for LaGuardia but now traffic stops (HORNS), the streets are blocked — it's the Norwegian National Day Parade (TR: NORSK ON P.A., MOURNFUL MARCH) and your driver drives up on the sidewalk (CAR REVS, PEDESTRIAN SHOUTING), and you get around that and now here's a motorcade (CARS PASSING SLOWLY, MOTORCYCLE ESCORT) — some Eastern potentate has arrived in town and tied up the East Side of Manhattan, a potentate from a nation that your cabdriver has strong personal feelings about (TR: ANGRY ARABIC, CAR REVS), and you head up to the Triborough bridge which of course is under repair (JACKHAMMER), so it's down to two lanes, and you creep across the bridge, and now it starts to snow, and your driver does not come from a snow climate (CAR WHEELS SPINNING, ARABIC), but luckily a water main breaks (BURST, GEYSER) and lifts your car 50 feet up and onto the frontage road (BWANG OF SPRINGS), which is clear, so you zoom the rest of the way to LaGuardia, (BRAKES) and you get there and you get through security (BEEPING, WANDING), and you run down to your gate (RUNNING, PANTING), just in time to hear:
SS (ON LOUDSPEAKER): This flight to Minneapolis St. Paul is overbooked. We will provide anybody who can take a later flight $200 plus a round-trip ticket to anywhere in the United States—
GK: And you look around at all the babies who are going to be flying with you (BABIES CRY) and you think-(TR: Anywhere in the United States - San Francisco. I could be in Golden Gate Park tonight.) -and then your cell phone rings, (CELL PHONE), and you see it's your grandmother, so in a surge of guilt you hurry onto the plane and (SQUEEZING) into a middle seat between two guys the size of Percherons (LOW VOICE, WHINNY) and you call up your voice mail and there is Grandma's message—
SS (OLD LADY, ON PHONE): I started doing tai chi and I'm feeling a lot better. And so Christmas is cancelled, honey. I'm going to Hawaii with my friend Raoul. Bye.
TR: What????
(THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
GK: (SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
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