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Santa script
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Listen
GK: ...coming up later on many of these radio stations....it's North Pole Confidential....behind the closed doors of Santa's Workshop, tension mounts as Christmas approaches....
(WHISTLING SNOW, DOGS BARK, HOOF STEPS THROUGH SNOW, HOOF KNOCKING ON DOOR. SNORTS. HOOF KNOCKING, DOOR OPEN)
TR (SANTA): Ho ho ho—(BREAKS DOWN INTO COUGHS)
FN (ADENOIDAL): Good evening, Santa. Mind if I come in?
TR (SANTA): Rudolph! Come in. (HOOVES, DOOR CLOSE, WIND OUT) I was just going to head down to the barn to see how everybody's doing.
FN (ADENOIDAL): Not so good, Santa. Dasher's got diarrhea.
TR (SANTA): Goldarn it — Think he'll be ready to go by December 24th?
FN (ADENOIDAL): The problem is that we reindeer weren't meant to eat so much corn. Our stomachs can't take it.
TR (SANTA): You're carbo loading, Rudolph. It's part of the process.
FN (ADENOIDAL): Also I think I have a bone spur on my butt.
TR (SANTA): You can't get a bone spur on your butt, it's just a callus.
FN (ADENOIDAL): Feel it. It's there.
TR (SANTA): I don't wanna feel it. Feel it yourself.
FN (ADENOIDAL): I can't. My legs can't reach up that way.
TR (SANTA): Just get over it. We've got a job to do.
FN (ADENOIDAL): Blitzen is hitting the bottle pretty hard, sir. Getting Blitzed.
TR (SANTA): Oh boy. What about the others?
FN (ADENOIDAL): Well, Vixen is in heat and that's driving Cupid crazy. Donner and Prancer — who — were, you know — I think you need a reindeer assistance program, Santa.
TR (SANTA): Ever since that foggy Christmas eve, you've been getting a little big for your britches.
FN (ADENOIDAL): I was just trying to help-
TR (SANTA): You ever think about what you'd be without me, Rudolph? A reindeer with a red nose in a world of polar bears and killer whales? Good luck, that's what I say.
(HEELS APPROACH)
SS (OLD LADY): Hey, Santa Baby. How about you bring that bowlful of jelly in here and make it do the hoochie-koo?
FN (ADENOIDAL): Mrs. Claus!!! In a black negligee —
TR (SANTA): Evelyn— There are elves around!!!!
SS (OLD LADY): I'd like you to check my list twice, if you know what I mean-and write me down as naughty.. (FADING) (MUSIC)
GK: Passions mount as Christmas approaches....on North Pole Confidential....later on many of these same stations.
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