Cowboys script
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Listen

(WESTERN THEME)

SS: The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Cloves Stuck in an Orange. It's the potpourri for the man on the trail. Nothing fancy, just a bunch of regular cloves stuck in an orange. If you don't feel festive, at least you smell festive. That's Cloves Stuck in an Orange. Try one today. And now, The Lives of the Cowboys.

(THEME OUT, COWS)

TR: Goldarn it, Lefty-I thought we were planning to take a little time off for the holidays-what are we doing out here on this goldarned dusty godforsaken plain with a hundred mangy cattle that nobody wants anyway— People are eating turkey for Christmas. And then they'll be eating oyster stew. Why don't we switch to oysters? There are no pearls in cattle, Lefty. I know that's true.

GK: We're cowboys, Dusty. The dusty godforsaken plains is our natural milieu.

TR: Cowboys don't use words like "milieu," Lefty. Anyway, I'd rather be in town, whooping it up, enjoying a little glamour.

GK: I went into cowboying so I could get away from glamour and all.

TR: Well, from the looks of you, you're succeeding pretty well.

GK: Thanks.

TR: This is all about Yvonne Beebalo, isn't it.

GK: Evelyn. No, it isn't. I'm happy for her. She found herself a good man and I'm glad about that.

TR: You don't look so glad.

GK: I'm fine. (GUITAR CHORD)

TR: Oh boy. Here we go again.

GK (SINGS):

I'm glad for her she found someone
Someone who will be true
Who'll love and care and cherish her
As I had hoped to do.

Away out here just north of nowhere
Here's where I belong
A man who never can find love
Not even in a song.

My darling how I wish you well
Happy 2008
I love you more than tongue can tell
But I arrived too late.

Away out here just north of nowhere
Out at the end of the world
Where a man can go and sit in the snow
And forget a sensational
Forget an inspirational
Forget the unforgettable girl.

TR: Boy, that was a real picker-upper, wasn't it. Sort of the musical equivalent of cement shoes.

GK: No need to stay up, listening to me, Dusty. Go to bed. I'll look after the cattle, you get some shuteye.

TR: I believe I will. Goodnight. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, THEN STOP) You ain't gonna do yourself in or anything, are you?

GK: No, no.

TR: Cause if I'm gonna wake up and find your cold lifeless body on the ground, I'd like you to tell me now.

GK: You won't, don't worry.

TR: Fine. But if you do decide to kill yourself, have the courtesy to dig at least some of the grave yourself. Don't leave it all to me. I've got a bad back. So do you, but if you're gonna shoot yourself, then it don't matter. You know?

GK: Go to bed.

TR: Goodnight.

GK: Goodnight, Dusty.

TR: Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, sagebrush. Goodnight cattle.

GK: Okay. Okay. (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, MOUNTS HORSE, WHINNY, HOOVES TROT) Sounds like the cattle want me to sing them to sleep.....(COWS) Okay, you dogies. Let's settle down out here. Just cause it's almost Christmas doesn't mean you get to stay up all night. What sort of song would you like to hear? (COWS) Lullaby? Murder ballad? (COW NEGATIVE) No?

(HE SINGS)

Away out here just north of nowhere
Here's where I belong
A man who never can find love
Not even in a song.
GK: And then I looked around at the cattle and they were all looking up in the sky as if they'd seen lightning or something, and then I heard them sing—

(CATTLE SING "AWAY IN A MANGER")

GK: I'd never heard longhorn cattle sing before and neither had my horse. (WHINNY) It was sort of alarming. Their big brown eyes looking up and their lips moving, trying to enunciate. —

And then suddenly I was wearing a robe and sandals and holding a sort of cane in my hand and this other guy in robe and sandals came over and said—

TR (ARABIC)

GK: I don't understand. What language is that?

TR (ARABIC)

GK: And suddenly the cattle had turned to sheep, hundreds of woolly sheep, and the sheep were singing —

(SHEEP CHORUS)

GK: I had never herded sheep before — had done my best to avoid it — and I couldn't believe how clean and fresh they smelled. And then there was a great light in the heavens and these guys in white robes with golden hair came flying down (WINGS FLAPPING) and the head guy stood up and he said—

TR (DUSTY-LIKE): Okay, don't get all riled up now, just settle down and listen up. I'm here to tell you something. And I'm only going to say this once. Go into Bethlehem. It's right over there by the river — you're gonna take 378, straight shot north, then take the second right after the railroad tracks — and follow that to Main Street — don't turn off on Church St— hang a left on Main and there's the Bethlehem Hotel — as it turns out, there was room for them at the inn — a last-minute cancellation — anyway— look for a parking place— (FADING)

GK: And all around him there was a choir floating in the sky — and they were singing—

(HEAVENLY HOST CHORUS)

GK: And right about then was when I woke up. I was in my bedroll and I smelled coffee. It was morning. Dusty was making coffee on the campfire. (SFX)

TR: Morning, pardner. How you feeling?

GK: Better.

TR: Coffee?

GK: Sure.

TR: Black?

GK: A little milk.

TR: Don't have milk.

GK: Black. (TWO BEATS)

TR: You were singing in your sleep last night.

GK: Oh. Sorry to wake you.

TR: I wasn't awake. I was singing in my sleep too.

GK: Well. Looks like snow.

TR: Yep. Looks like snow.

(THEME)

SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Look Out Canteens. The canteen that looks exactly like a bottle of whiskey. You take a big drag off of that and people say 'look out for him' and they leave you alone. Your life is your own again, when you drink your water out of a Look Out Canteen.