Cranberry script
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Listen

.....after a word from the Cranberry Foundation.

(LIGHT CLINKING OF SILVERWARE ON CHINA, VOICES CLIPPED AND PRECISE)

TR: The turkey is quite marvelous. SS: Thanks. I roasted it with paper clips in it. Which helps conduct heat.

TR: It's delicious. (TWO BEATS)

SS: Another glass of wine?

TR: Mmm-hmmm. (POURING)

SS: I decided the Pouilly-Fuisse last year was too dry. This is a Sauvignon Blanc.

TR: It's perfect. ---- And thank you for the book of haiku. (LIGHT PIANO, DRIFTING.....)

GK: The perfectly tasteful Christmas. What's the purpose of it? You can be tasteful any time of year ---- why choose Christmas? Christmas is a feast. It's meant to be excessive.

TR (OLD BEERY ENGLISHMAN): Bring us another leg of mutton, you saucy wench (SS WHOOP) and another pitcher of the nut-brown ale (BELCH) ---- (DOGS) ---- and a bucket of ale for me dogs too. Har har har har. C'mere, wench---- gimme a kiss.

SS (WENCH): Aaaaaaaaaaaooooooowwww, you are a dirty disgusting old man, you are.

GK: Yes, of course, Christmas is a Christian holiday and you can find that if you want ----

TR (ANGLICAN VOICE,, REVERB): "And the angel said, Behold, I bring you good tidings" ---- Let us look at that word: behold. Or rather two words: be....and hold. Our being and also our holding. Who we are and what we possess. (FADE) And when we put together what we are and what we possess, we find that we can see. Or "behOld".

GK: That's part of Christmas, but Christmas is a feast, and a feast is meant to be fun---- This is a feast.

(BOOZY VOICES, DOGS BARKING, GLASS BREAKAGE, RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

GK: This is not a feast.

(LIGHT CLASSICAL PIANO)

SS: How do you like the smoked trout gratinee? TR: It's excellent.

SS: I got the recipe from the New York Times. It was on the editorial page.

TR: Beautiful texture. And the caviar finish is superb.

GK: At the end of the table sits a 10-year-old boy who does not care for the smoked trout or the caviar finish.

FN (BOY): Please pass the cranberries----

GK: And he puts his spoon into the cranberries and (SPLORT) digs out a gob and ----

FN (BOY): Oh boy.

GK: He gets an idea.

FN (BOY): Boy oh boy.

GK: A gob of cranberry on a spoon and there sits his father four and one-half feet away with a clean white shirt.

FN (BOY): Oh boy oh boy.

GK: The thought is exciting.

FN (OFFICER): Man the forward tubes! (CREW REPEAT) Up periscope. (PERISCOPE) Ready the ship for attack. (KLAXON, CREW CLAMOR) Load the cranberries! (CREW REPEAT) Raise the spoon forty-five degrees. (REPEAT)

GK: It's a big decision. There are your parents in their fine clothes drinking an expensive white wine. Should you attack? (CHORD) What would the President do?

TR (BUSH): Let me just say this ---- all options are on the table. And that includes cranberries and string beans and butter and also dinner rolls.

GK: He tightens his grip on the spoon (SPRING TIGHTENING) and he gauges the distance and the trajectory.

TR: Is this beluga caviar?

SS: It's double ooga beluga.

TR: It looks wonderful.

(SPRONGGGGGGG, FLIGHT OF GOB, SPLORT)

(TWO BEATS)

TR: Darling?

SS: Yes.

TR: Is there something on my face?

SS: Yes, there is. You have a large gob of cranberry in your left nostril.

TR: Oh. I was afraid it might be a blood clot.

SS: No, it's cranberry.

TR: Then I'm alive!!!! I haven't had a cerebral hemorrhage! I'm not bleeding to death! It isn't brain tissue leaking out through my nostrils! I'M ALIVE!!!! Yes!!!! (ORANGUTANG) (JUNGLE BIRDS)

GK: Christmas: a joyous season. A message from the Cranberry Foundation.....

(BAND PLAYOFF)