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Ketchup script
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Listen
SS: These are the good years for Jim and me. It's January and we're both depressed so we bought some ferns for the TV room and that made us feel good. Until we discovered that they were infested with Asian lady beetles. Jim's been chasing them with the vacuum, which is more exercise than he normally gets, so he's been feeling pretty upbeat. The kids came for the holidays, with permission from their therapists. And they said they're never coming back again until we admit responsibility for making their lives the morass of anguish and rage that they endure every single day of their adult lives. So that's a relief. We should have been happy. Until this morning I came downstairs and found Jim, staring out the front window looking all grim. (DISTANT SNOWBLOWER) Jim, what's the matter? What's out there?
TR: It's Mr. McNulty from next door, Barb. He's got his snowblower out and he's shoveling our sidewalk.
SS: Well that's nice of him.
TR: And he's just about to start on the driveway.
SS: Very neighborly, if you ask me.
TR: Oh gosh. He sees us. He's waving. Duck down.
SS: What is wrong with you?
TR: Look at him out there, feeling all warm and righteous about himself. Lutherans! It's how they try to establish dominance.
SS: He's a giving person, Jim.
TR: Barb, this is not about giving. This is about moral superiority. This is passive aggression.
SS: So-then just go out there and tell him thanks but no thanks, and you've got it from here. I mean that's not so hard, is it?
(A BEAT, SNOWBLOWER OFF)
TR: I'm going to fight passive aggression with passive aggression. I'll just wait this one out. Besides, the man is almost finished.
SS: Oh for heaven's sake, Jim.
TR: Plus which he can stand the exercise.
SS: Jim, I wonder if you've been getting enough ketchup.
TR: Ketchup, Barb?
SS: Yes Jim, ketchup. Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you to accept that sometimes kindness is just kindness. It doesn't necessarily come with an agenda. It just is.
(A BEAT)
TR: I'm not sure about that, Barb.
SS: Well I am.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times
The month of January
Fires in the fireplace
Make us warm and merry
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on cranberry.
GK: Ketchup, for the good times.
RD (SINGS): Ketchup, ketchup.
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